CRUISING FOR THE HOT TEACHER
Cornfed’s biennial visit here was about a month ago, and roughly six weeks prior to coming, he informed me when he’d be here so that I could figure out something fun for us to do. [During past visits, we’ve gone to concerts or Universal Studios … stuff like that.] This time, his visit didn’t line up with anything fun in terms of a band or anything … and he said he wanted to stay reasonably local – meaning not drive for an hour to go somewhere. So I told him, “Hey – why don’t we go bar hopping around here, and try and find Mrs. X?” He was all over this idea – “YES – LET’S DO THAT. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? WHERE WILL WE GO?” He was like a kid who you just told we’d be going to the circus, all excited and bouncy.
I told him that we would visit every bar here that I’d ever seen Mrs. X at – there were six such bars total. Half of them were very high-end places, and required us to dress up. And so this is exactly what we did when Cornfed arrived on a recent Friday. We dressed up – and hit the three highest-end places first … but sadly there was no Allison X in sight. Then we hit the other three places … which were more casual, and one-by-one we had drinks at each. At the last bar, we were bummed – because we never did run into Mrs. X … but it didn’t really matter because we were fairly drunk after having had two drinks at each of six different bars. No worries – the plan proceeded precisely as anticipated … meaning that worst-case, we still had a fun night out on the town.
When we got back to my house, my girlfriend (who I live with) was already asleep upstairs … and so Cornfed and I proceeded to drink shots of tequila and drink beer for another hour or two. I went to bed with Honeybunny, and Cornfed slept on the downstairs couch. In hindsight, drinking more at home was probably a bad idea – because the next morning, Cornfed had destroyed my downstairs bathroom. The silk plants were separated from their vase … the magazines were all wadded up, and on the floor … Honeybunny’s girl-bathroom trinkets were everywhere. I asked Cornfed what happened in there last night, and he said he really wasn’t sure … which I thought was hilarious, but Honeybunny didn’t like at all. [This is discussed in the updated midlife article Instant Doghouse – What NOT to Say to Your Girlfriend, item 1] Anyway, Cornfed went back to Iowa … and I thought the whole episode was over with.
THE HOT TEACHER SURFACES – TOO LATE
What I just described happened on a Friday night. The following Wednesday, I went to a local Taco Wednesday at one of the local dumpy/dive bars with a group of my local friends. [We sometimes go to this dumpy\dive bar because the food and drinks are cheap, plus it is just a very casual place … where you can go dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, and not look out-of-place.] As I sat down, I looked around – and who did I see at the table right next to mine? You guessed it – Mrs. Allison X. I could not believe it – Cornfed had just left Southern California a few days prior, and missed it. I walked right up to Mrs. X (who was seated with one of her girlfriends), and told her everything that happened last Friday night … that Cornfed insisted we go out “cruising for Mrs. X” … I told her all the places we had been … how he was like a puppy in heat at the thought of her, etc. Fortunately she was pretty flattered by the whole story … in fact, she was all over it – meaning that she reacted well, and said it is too bad we didn’t call her, and arrange to meet up. [I didn’t ask for nor would I have taken her phone number – as I live with my girlfriend.] She did have trouble remembering who Cornfed was … but I’d never tell him that.
I did do one thing to really rock Cornfed’s world while in the company of Mrs. X. Since it was roughly 8 p.m. in Southern California, I knew that it would be 10 p.m. in Iowa … and I also knew that Cornfed would have turned his cell phone off by then. So I whipped out my cell phone, called Cornfed, got his voicemail … and said simply something like, “Hey Cornfed – guess who I ran into tonight?”, and then I handed the phone over to Mrs. X who fortunately played along really well. I think she said something like she was flattered to hear that we had gone out cruising for her last Friday, and that she hoped to maybe see him out here on his next trip. She left a really sweet message to him, and I thought that was really nice of her! I also knew that Cornfed was going to cream in his pants the next morning when he played that voicemail.
The next afternoon, Cornfed called me up. He said that was a great voicemail that she left him – and that he played it 15 or 20 times. He swears her voice broke when she was leaving him the message … in other words, it changed pitches. And he interpreted that as meaning that YES – SHE DOES HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. Ha ha – I didn’t burst his bubble by telling him she wasn’t sure who he was. No – instead I let his dream live on. Remember – he has a wife, and five young children at home … so this voicemail and his interpretation of it was probably the best gift I could possibly give the guy.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ... ?
What would YOU DO if in midlife you ran into the hot teacher of your high school dreams - if you were single, and she was single? Would you ignore the age gap, and practice the midlife bachelor motto ("ALWAYS GO FOR IT")? Or are memories like that better left unspoiled?
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