IS YOUR WOMAN ABOUT TO DUMP YOU?
July 19, 2008
Written by guest female author, Luise of www.what-women-want-from-men.com/
It's a sad state of affairs when a man has no clue that his woman is going to dump him, but stories abound of men who thought their relationships were just hunky dory, and then the next thing they knew, their wives up and left. Here are a couple examples …
One man I dated told me how he and his former wife had moved to a beautiful house in the country. One day not long after they were settled, he stood in his backyard and said to himself, "All my dreams are coming true." The next day his wife called from her job in town and told him that she wasn't coming home … ever. She had been having an affair with a co-worker he later found out.
Another male friend had a home business he ran with his wife, and they frequently sold their products at big shows around the region. In the beginning, they did the shows together but then she started doing the shows alone. He noticed that after the shows she would be in a distant mood. It wasn't until after she dumped him that he realized something was going on at the shows. Before she left him he had described her as "the apple of my eye."
What struck me about these stories was the absolute blindness these men exhibited with regard to the health of their relationships. I suppose a woman could pretend to be happy but if a relationship is that far gone, you can be sure there were clues. In fact there were probably huge fire-engine red banners that read, "I'm really unhappy! I can't take it anymore!" waving all over the place.
So what's a clueless man to do? Just how do you know if a woman is close to the point of leaving?
If a woman is thinking of abandoning the relationship, she is likely to behave in one or more of the following ways:
1) She no longer complains about something she used to nag about all the time. Why bother, she figures, since she'll be gone soon anyway.
2) She doesn't confide in you anymore and avoids talking in general.
3) She comes home late, spends more time alone, makes plans without you, and generally tries to avoid you as much as possible.
4) She's lost interest in sex.
5) She doesn't seem glad to see you anymore at the end of the day.
6) She's not interested in talking about plans for the weekend or any plans in the future. She has a “whatever” attitude.
7) She doesn't like to be touched, hugged, or kissed. Her kisses have no passion.
8) Her friends and family act a little different around you. (They are uncomfortable because she has told them she wants to leave you.)
According to one study, there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship that can predict a break-up:
1) Criticism - instead of just complaining, a spouse attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "You are selfish and uncaring."
2) Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "You're not only stupid. You're a total idiot."
3) Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you.
4) Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding, and distancing from your partner
If one or both of you is engaging in the above behavior, you need to get some professional counseling as soon as possible if you want to save your relationship. Once it gets to this point, it can be very difficult to sort everything out by yourselves. A professional can teach you the skills necessary to resolve ongoing problems and issues, how to improve your communication, and how to work on rebuilding intimacy.
If you think your woman may be on the verge of dumping you, then here's an assignment: sit your partner down and ask her point blank how she feels the relationship is going. Be prepared to get an earful. Don't say anything other than to encourage her to say whatever is on her mind. And don't defend yourself, regardless of what she says. The point is to get her to tell you everything, no matter how much it might hurt.
If she says she wants to leave, or is just very unhappy, ask her if she is willing to work on things together by going to see a therapist. Indicate your willingness to do whatever it takes to get back on track with her. Follow through with your words by finding a therapist and making the first appointment.
You may be very shocked at the intensity of her feeling of unhappiness because you had no idea what she was going through. This is a wake-up call for many men and if you don't want to lose her, you'll have to let go of the naïve idea that "everything was going just fine." It wasn't fine!
This situation, scary and painful though it is, can be a tremendous opportunity to grow and become a better person. And it can be the beginning of a much better relationship. (Assuming she is willing to hang around to give it one more chance.) Even though you might have believed you were happy before, the growing pains of relationship therapy will show you just how much better it can be. But it's not easy. You have to be willing to face some not so pleasant aspects about yourself and admit your weaknesses, a very tall order for most men.
Don't let your woman dump you. Take some action to fix what's making her so unhappy.
Note from midlifebachelor.com: I hear everything that Ms. Luise is saying above … but I have also run across individuals who are clinically depressed. And in cases like that, many of the symptoms that Ms. Luise describes above occur … but they have absolutely nothing (or very little) to do with the relationship. Psychiatry is the best solution in the case of someone being clinically depressed – or at least that’s my current viewpoint. And no – I have never been clinically depressed myself!!! ;o)