BREAK OUT OF THE "NO DATE RUT"
May 24, 2008
If you have not been on a date in a while, then you might have fallen into the dreaded NO DATE RUT. Being dateless is not a disability, it is a personal choice. You need to be proactive and take deliberate steps to get yourself back out there – otherwise you will be lonely on “date nights” when your friends are out with their wives or girlfriends, and you feel like a LOSER because you are at home in front of the TV with a beer (or worse) in your hand.
How Long is Too Long to be Without a Date?
This is a relative question – the answer is different for everyone. When I first got divorced, if I wasn’t out on a date at least once each week, then I thought that was too long … but I was in the post-divorce wild phase that many of us divorcees go through. For some the answer might likely be “several months is too long” … but frankly I’ve had friends that have gone a year or more without a date. The real answer is – if you feel like it has been too long since you’ve gone on a date, then it probably has been too long.
Are You a LOSER if You Don’t Have a Date?
Being a LOSER is not BECAUSE you do not have a date, or vice-versa – one is not a symptom of the other. In other words, it is not a cause-and-effect relationship. If you are a LOSER then that is independent of the fact that you cannot get a date! To put it another way, I have friends who are complete LOSERS yet they manage to get dates. I have other friends who are extremely successful and wealthy, but who have difficulty getting dates … and they are definitely not LOSERS. MY POINT – don’t feel like a LOSER if you cannot get a date.
Ask Yourself WHY You Don’t Have a Date
If you have not had a date in a while, you have to ask yourself WHY. Are your standards too high? Are you taking advantage of all of your possible resources in order to get a date? Resources like online dating … networking through male and female friends of yours … participation in local organizations … going out to restaurants or bars or the gym or wherever is appropriate for you to meet the opposite sex? Are you socially comfortable enough with yourself to engage women in dialog? Are you dressing appropriately? Do you brush your teeth? ha ha You get the idea – you have to really focus on self-examination, and figure out why you are coming up short … and recognize that you might have multiple issues to resolve. If you have not read the section of this site called the Midlife Bachelor Personal Makeover … in particular, the subsections on Personal Appearance and also Attitude Adjustment/Mental Makeover then I suggest doing so. You might ask for input from some of your female friends – women you trust who are also in your target demographic.
Take Corrective Action to Get a Date
Once you have a really good idea what is holding you back, then establish a plan and a timetable to move yourself forward. The more specific your plan and timetable, the more likely you are to succeed and get yourself back on track. If you need new clothes to enhance your appearance and your self-confidence, then tell yourself you will have those new clothes within one month of today (for example), and then make it happen. If your standards are too high, then you should consider relaxing some of your standards … or possibly increasing your alcohol consumption. ha ha If you are simply not meeting new women, then you need to get yourself out there – which means something different to most people … but you should already have an idea of where you enjoy meeting others, right? The bottom line is – make a list of what you need to correct, create a timetable, and then go make each happen one-by-one. If you need practice talking to new women (as some newly divorced midlife bachelors do), then force yourself to talk to strange women frequently just to get your conversational confidence up. Whatever it is – you can do it … even if it takes practice … even if it puts you out past your comfort zone. Think of it as a personal growth experience. You can definitely do it. If you need help creating a strategy for yourself, then check out the section here entitled Develop a Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success