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OVER-ESTIMATING A SEX-BASED RELATIONSHIP
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: I am a 41 year old woman with a little daughter, 39 year old husband and 41 year old
lover. My marriage started falling apart after a few months 6 years ago: husband wanting sex only after I was asleep, his rudeness, the sexual unhappiness (he wasn’t interested in me having fun). I had been thinking about leaving him many times but one and half months ago I met a lovely man - he touched me and triggered many reactions inside me. After that I just wanted to have him in bed. Every time we meet I wanted just to shag him all the time. He has been divorced for a year now. I believed I had heaven in my hands. Even now he is so perfect in bed, always giving lots of sensations and making me feel like the owner of the universe. I like that he has the physical state to go non-stop all night, but he has to work and I understand it is not good to demand so much of him. At 5 o’clock the other day I wanted to touch him and start loving him but I don’t want to disturb his sleep. To make things short, the thing is he is a different person when not in bed, he doesn’t offer any drink neither food in his home. He is confused and doesn’t make decisions about whether he likes me really or not, he said he needs to know me better. He does not want to commit because he thinks it will be very much problem in my life and I have a child and I have no job. So I told my husband and he said we should continue for the sake of my daughter and I should start clearing off the mess. Only, I don’t want to. My husband is
Yum!!!

not the man for me. I think I don’t have as much time now if I want to have another child but I don’t feel backed by my lover. If this man ask me to live with him I couldn’t take the offer cause I need to be independent myself and not force myself into another relationship with a man that I only know very well in bed. The thing is he had not offer to me help in my situation. I won’t take it anyway but it will be nice if he offer me to take me in. I am now trying to get a job so I can support me and my daughter and start again, only I am thinking of this man all the time. I would like to know if I had a chance with him because I need to be again owner of myself to look after my child, to live my life. If he said he will be there I just move to another place but if he say is only sex, it will be devastating for me. Help please. Sarah

MLB ANSWER: Hi Sarah – thanks for writing. You are definitely in a sex-based relationship … which means that your relationship with this man is wholly-defined by the extreme hot sex that you have with him. It appears that he recognizes this. There is nothing wrong with sex-based relationships … I’ve had a number of them, and they are extremely memorable BUT for me they often have ultimately turned into disasters after you start looking past the sex. [Check out the sections here called Great Sex Hides the Truth and Types of Women – Nymphomaniac.]  Now I could write many pages of advice to you, but I’m going to condense it as much as possible:

1) Enjoy the hot sex while you can
2) Know that the man you are sleeping with is most likely only interested in the sex, and not a relationship. [He is recently divorced, and going through a healing process himself – and you are a part of his process.]
3) Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end – so don’t despair when any relationship ends.
4) Focus on your daughter – she is the single most important thing in your life … so you should absolutely come up with a plan on how you are going to support her and yourself in the long-term.
5) Figure out what lessons you have learned from this entire experience, and don’t repeat any mistakes in the future.

Enjoying the current hot sex situation is self-explanatory – enjoy it while you can because one day it won’t be there … and partners like that really are few and far between. Concerning the man you are sleeping with, from everything you said about him – it appears he is only interested in the sex … which isn’t bad … it just is what it is. You can embrace that idea, and continue with him – or you can reject it and dump him. When any relationship ends, don’t take it personally … take it as a learning experience, and don’t despair … better to have loved and lost, versus never having loved at all, right?

Concerning your daughter, children are our future – and you need to figure out a way to support her in the long-term. “Support” means financial and emotional … it means that you are a role model for her, and you should definitely keep that in mind as you decide how to proceed from here. Your husband is being very kind to you by not kicking you out, and wanting to work with you … so my advice is to be kind to him, and make your decisions moving forward with everyone’s best interests in mind (not just YOUR best interests). Finally, in every situation there are always LESSONS LEARNED and my guess is that you are learning many valuable lessons right now. Midlifebachelor.com’s philosophy is – it is fine to make a mistake, but not fine to repeat one … and so I advocate periodically taking a look at yourself, and then possibly re-evaluating the effectiveness of how you are conducting yourself. [I discuss this at length in the section called Periodic Re-evaluation of your Strategy] My advice is that you not depend on anyone except yourself in the long-run … because you are in charge of your own happiness. In other words, someone else (husband, lover, etc.) cannot ultimately make you happy in the long-run – you have to be happy with yourself first and foremost. Good luck – let us know how things go!


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