|PSYCHO STD SCARE?
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: I consider myself to be a pretty good looking 42 year old paralegal, and live in Pennsylvania. I met this guy, Mike, in October 2008 online. Mike was a 46 year old average-looking man. His behavior drove me nuts to the point where I started acting very unbalanced, and I want to share my story. Tell me which of us you think was the psycho one.
At first, he was very sweet, always smiling and fun to be around. We were both kind of into each other at first and after a month of seeing each other, we had a night of great sex. Now Mike had a lot of issues toward his ex-wife. As he felt more
comfortable in our relationship, he started venting out how she victimized him, and took all the money in the divorce. He also complained that she uses their son as a weapon to get back at him, and that he was going broke over the legal fees. It was easy for me to get sucked into all of that because I dealt with it with clients and based on what he told me, his ex seemed like a "psycho" (of course I never heard her side of the story). I tried to be compassionate with him and a good listener. However, I found myself constantly counseling him and giving him feedback from my boss on how to most effectively and cost-efficiently handle the court baby mama drama. Keep in mind that Mike was broke, he was living with his parents, and could barely afford dating me after paying the child support and alimony. His financial situation never mattered to me because I liked him. I believed he was a great guy, and definitely worth a shot.
Mike's behavior was becoming quite odd. I had never met his family but Mike told me that everyone in his family knew that he was seeing me. He even invited me over his parents' house for Thanksgiving. One day, I came across Mike's brother's profile on Facebook. His page was open and I was in a jubilant mood because I had just joined Facebook. So I saw Mike's brother on there, and I was like WOW he looks just like Mike. So I sent the brother this message "are you Mike's brother, you'd have to be because you look just like him. Mike is a good guy, we have a nice friendship, we've been dating since Oct." I didn't see anything wrong with that. Unfortunately, the next day I get a phone call from Mike. He was very upset that I wrote a comment on his brother's Facebook page. He said "my brother is married, you can't be sending messages to him, his wife reads his Facebook page". I was like SAY WHAT? WTF is wrong with you? I didn't hit on him - I thought you told him that you were seeing me? You told me that everyone knew. Mike said that his brother was not going to respond to my Facebook message (personally, I didn't give a sh*t). I went into my Facebook to clean up my "sent messages" and I could see that I was blocked by the brother. Needless to say, I had no desire nor did I ever try to message the brother again. I simply did not understand that behavior at all. Things started to turn very sour, but not yet psycho.
Now for the psycho part. One day about three weeks after we had that night of hot sex, I got a phone call from Mike. He told me that he was having penal pain and he thought it might be an STD. I was like SAY WHAT? I never had an STD before, and I have always been for the most part in monogomous relationships. I took the matter very seriously as this affected my life as well as his. Anyway, d*ckhead went to the doctor and the doctor gave him antibiotics. His doctor told him that he had NO symptoms of an STD and that his symptoms were most likely a prostate problem. I had no symptoms of an STD so I thought his doctor was right. Needless to say, Mike just had to inform me that he possibly had an STD (even though his doctor said it most likely wasn't the case) simply because he enjoyed making me upset and worried. Okay so his doctor ran a routine test. I texted Mike two times everyday for a whole week and said "don't forget to call the doctor" and "did you call the doctor"? He kept blowing me off and ignoring the situation. He would call me at night and say "I feel better, no I forgot to call the doctor". It got to the point where I copped an attitude. I was like I don't care if you feel better! You don't call someone and tell them that you have pain in your d*ck and that you believe that it could be an STD without finding out the results!
After about a week, I got so enraged and was very hurt at how he was handling this situation. I went to my own doctor, went through a series of STD tests including HIV, and thank God everything came out clean. I had no doubt in my mind that I was clean because the symptoms just did not fit. I was angry at Mike for the things he was doing and I was very hurt. I didn't understand why this man would behave this way.
That’s how the relationship ended. After the STD situation, I started to really dislike Mike. I felt that he was a serious @sshole. I had ambivalent feelings about telling him to go f*ck himself. In one way, I felt sorry for him because he needed some legal help, and in another way I hated him. I went through a week long e-mail break up with him. In my e-mails I never said anything threatening or psychotic. In one email, I had told him that it was over and that I wanted to move on with my life. Then I emailed him changing my mind because I had agreed to help him file legal papers concerning court because he couldn't afford his lawyer anymore. A part of me felt guilty because I was abandoning him, another part of me hated him.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that sometimes it is definitely the guy's behavior which can trigger a woman to act a bit unbalanced. That one night of hot sex had a high price attached to it!! It was the relationship from hell. All I got out of that train wreck was a man with a broken d*ck, baby mama drama and an STD scare.
Now I ask you who is the psychotic one here? Maybe you might want to do an article about psychotic men who make women act crazy. I think "psychotic" on my part in this particular situation may be a bit strong. I say I acted "out of character and a bit unbalanced" but psychotic doesn't fit. What do you think – which one of us was psycho?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER: First of all – thanks for including the photos with your question. It’s always good to see who I’m dealing with – and you are definitely a good-looking woman. Here are my thoughts.
If someone told me they MIGHT have an STD before they had themselves checked, I’d be upset, too. Any type of unnecessary scare … such as potentially having an STD, or a pregnancy, etc. – it is just flat wrong to put your partner on pins and needles until you are at least reasonably sure. You did not describe his exact symptoms, but from what you did say, there should have been enough doubt in his mind that he would have himself tested AND get the results back before he brought it up to you. [If he had experienced green ooze or some type of breakout, then that would be a different story – there would be a lot more up-front certainty in a case like that.] But the way you described what happened, the whole thing sounded completely unnecessary … so I think you were justified for being upset with him, and also for pestering him about the results.
Concerning Facebook messaging his brother – that was probably not the best decision on your part. Not that you meant any harm, it is just that you don’t know what other people might think when you do something like that – and you don’t know what his brother’s wife (who reads his Facebook page) is like. I know in my own past, I’ve had several VERY JEALOUS girlfriends who would flip out over something similar. I’d probably put this in the “lesson-learned” bucket, and be extra careful with stuff like that in the future – because you just never know how some people are going to react, right?
On your email breakup and going back-n-forth – that is actually fairly standard stuff. Often times people waffle a bit … so that is fairly normal. Plus you were trying to help him on the legal side with his divorce … for free … which was very nice of you, by the way.
About which of the two of you was psycho – from what you told me, nothing you did sounds exceptionally psycho. It sounds to me like both of you made some mistakes – and, if anything, you may have become a bit “situationally psycho” (see the Midlife Article, entitled What Makes A Woman Turn Psycho. In other words, sometimes people and situations can make us (men OR women) behave psycho. I, myself, would have been pretty “situationally psycho” (per the just-referenced article) over the whole STD scare.
I think the bottom line is that in many new relationships, we learn things about our partner or their behavior that we don’t like – and often that leads to those new relationships ending. Absolutely nothing wrong with that … it is perfectly normal … all part of what being single at midlife and dating are all about. My suggestion is to not over-think any of it – just move on, and try not to take it personally. It is simply fate – that’s all. Your happiness is in front you – so keep moving forward, and take inventory of what you’ve learned. You are a smart, and good-looking woman – better days are ahead!
Consider participating in our Midlife Forum here where men and women discuss different issues pertaining to relationships (among other things) … I bet you have a lot to contribute to our entire midlife community and knowledgebase!