CHRISTIAN WIFE WAITS OUT HUSBAND'S AFFAIR
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: One of your previous Q&A's, How to Get Cheating Husband Back from Midlife Crisis Affair? could have been my email except that the whore he's with is 47 years old, and she used him to get out of her marriage. Apparently she liked his income, and she was the bookkeeper. Since then, he's lost his job for being in a position of authority and abusing it ... with the co-worker. They moved in together the day he moved out of our home, and his first encounter (no sex, he says) was the week before. DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD. The man's lost his kids (23, in college and 24), house, money, job, wife, and his mind. I can tell you, she was married to a dentist ... and my husband can't afford her $80 haircuts and her big-assed teeth! Especially now - he's even lost his insurance and can't buy his own blood pressure and diabetes meds. The man has snapped.
I told him when it didn't work out give me a call. He said "when it doesn't work out I will. I'll be filing for divorce but
people get remarried all the time" ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME ALREADY? Problem is, I love him, and I don't want to do anything that's going to cause him any more problems ... and I may never get him back ... but she's not going to get him either ... and I'm going to make damned sure of it. Everyone who steals something that doesn't belong to them has to either give it up or go to jail ... and this woman is a thief.
So here's the question - because I will refuse to sign the divorce papers if they ever show up, should I make it tough on him and let him have it for what he's done ... or just sit here patiently and continue to live my life quietly, smile when I see him, and let him know that as a Christian wife, it's my obligation to stand for my marriage since he's mentally off-balanced? And if neither of those, then what? This whole thing has been going on for just five weeks now. And I'm standing for this marriage right now regardless of what happens, until I'm moved not to do so. I don't even know what to say to him when I see him. "Hello. How are you doing?" ... that just doesn't work for me. Can you suggest something for me to say to him when I have to talk to him?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER: Thanks for writing in. I can hear and feel the pain you are in, and I am truly very sorry to hear what has happened to you.
My initial thoughts are that you don't have to necessarily behave entirely one way or the other. I'm a big believer in "karma" ... which means how you live your life and how you treat others will come back to you. So I would try to be as nice as you can to him, and not make things more difficult than they need to be. THAT SAID, I would also let him know how much he has hurt you, and how as a Christian it tests you with respect to being nice to him. I'd also tell him not to be so presumptive that he should assume you will simply take him back in the future, if he should happen to ask.
The karma he and this woman generate is all extremely negative ... which in my book means that this will boomerang back and hit each of them in the ass at some point in the future. You should be bigger than the both of them - take the high road ... be nice (as nice as you can be - I know that is difficult under these circumstances) ... and try to look forward (not backward). What is done is done ... it was not of your choosing or doing ... he is the one responsible for his situation ... so he has made his bed and shall lie in it.
One thing I always tell people in your situation is - look forward to your next relationship. Dating can be fun ... and there are some very nice, and very good people out there. Sometimes it takes a while to find a good one - but you definitely will. But first you must let go of the anger ... until you do that, it will be hard for you to relax, and even harder to have a successful new relationship.
So to answer your question, I'd say try to be civil toward him. Don't make the situation more difficult than necessary ... just try to keep your own karma good. In terms of what I suggest for you to say to him when you have to speak to him, I guess just say as little as possible. Just say "Hi" and then maybe "What can I do for you?" when he calls. And if he shows up in person, just say, "Hi - what do you need?" Not sure if those are kinds of conversational suggestions you were looking for or not.You may find it helpful to read about the situations of other people whose marriages are failing under similar circumstances as yours. If you go to the
ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX PAGE
and then navigate to the Cheating tab, you'll find a number of such instances. You can also navigate to the Midlife Crisis tab, and also the Divorce tab for a few more.
If you want to look at different possible ways to win him back, and/or ESPECIALLY how you can recover from this obvious Midlife Crisis Affair then check out the following:
Good luck - let me know how things go. Consider joining our Midlife Forum where we discuss various issues including cheating, midlife dating, etc. There is even a new subforum there dedicated to the subject of having been cheated on - so check it out.