HUSBAND LOSING INTEREST IN SEX
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR::
My husband and I are both age 40, and have always had what I thought was a good sex life. We've been married two and a half years and have an 18 month old baby.
When pregnant for the second time, my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me. He was happy for me to give him oral, and would touch me, but didn't seem interested in anything else. Our second baby was stillborn. Afterwards we were very close, and made love ... but now that some time has passed, he's not interested again.
I've tried various things to get him interested. I've
bought nice lingerie (that he chose), had my hair done, wear make-up, always make sure I smell really nice - yet none of this works, and it's depressing the hell out of me.
He even put on an adult movie the other night, and we sat and watched it together (must admit the content surprised me, it was MMF three-way in each film, and he swears he'd hate a threesome of any kind)... yet afterward he put on reruns of Cops, and then went out to smoke ... I went to bed, and was asleep before he came back inside.
He seems happy for me to give him oral, but has only ever gone down on me twice (even though he swears he loves doing it, and I don't smell or taste funny).
If he plays with me, he loses his stiffness which I thought was normal until I discovered that most men stay hard while playing with their partners.
My confidence is now shot to pieces. Not helped by the things he says to me.
When I dyed my hair he told me that he preferred it when it was darker - then he added that it didn't make me more attractive, but made me look "more intelligent". He makes jokes about my "beard" (I have PCOS, and wax my face, but he only discovered this when I was in hospital for days, and didn't want him to touch my face, he didn't notice, but now teases me). And then is always joking about how old I am (I'm 40, as is he).
I do feel so awful right now. I accepted that men hate having sex with their pregnant wives, but now there is no excuse, yet he still rejects me. The only time he's interested in sex, is when I'm on my period (like now), as then he doesn't have to touch me, yet wants me to pleasure him.
I feel so unattractive right now, and would honestly rather be alone, than to feel like this. Is there any way of telling if he's just not into me?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Thanks for writing in! Since your husband is age 40, it is possible that his testosterone level is lessening. This happens gradually, and is not something one will suddenly notice - rather it usually shows itself through lessened libido ... which means less of an interest in sex. His best bet is to go to his doctor, and get his testosterone level checked. If it is low, there is a prescription he can get for something called "Androgel®" - which is essentially testosterone. Applying this Androgel® daily will raise his testosterone level gradually ... and his libido will return.
Now if his testosterone level is normal or near normal, then you have a different problem on your hands - where he could be losing interest in you. So it could be one of these two things (low testosterone or he's losing interest in you), or it could even be both. If he is losing interest in you, then I would recommend some counseling - otherwise you may have to consider leaving him if you want either of you to be happy in the long run. Hopefully it won't come to that though.
You should consider joining our Midlife Forum where we discuss many issues related to midlife changes, including hormone changes, relationship issues, etc. We'd be happy to have you among us, and to share our many perspectives with you.