MARRIED MAN GETS GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I am a 42 year old man who has been dating a divorced mom for the past year, and I am married which she knows of. We both live in the Middle East, and my wife is in the UK. I have recently been made redundant, and will be heading back to the UK. I have a lovely wife but there is no spark in our marriage. Recently my girlfriend (Angela) fell pregnant and when we discovered this, we decided to get married, but before this could happen Angela had a miscarriage. I love Angela very much and she loves me, too - maybe more than I love her.
Some of her friends and family know she was pregnant, and that she lost the child. Angela comes from a very conservative Christian background, and her friends and family have suddenly distanced themselves from her. Angela is now pressuring me
to get married before I leave the country and the only reason I can think of is because she has to face her friends and family. I am uncomfortable getting married to her, as not only is this bigamy, but my wife does not deserve this. Even though I love Angela very much, I am not ready to get married. Angela's reasoning for getting married is so she can prove to her friends and family that we are serious, and that if I secure a job in another country, it would make it easier for her to visit me.
It has been a week since Angela lost our child, and now she says we must marry before I leave, I just don't understand why she is pushing me into this. What do you suggest that I do?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Wow - where do I begin? First of all, for starters - I think you need a new hobby when you are working away from home. Midlifebachelor.com absolutely does not advocate cheating of any sort - whether on one's spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. Cheating is bad karma - pure and simple. If that is how you choose to live your life, then things will always catch up to you - just as they did here. Now I try not to be judgmental in my responses, but sometimes I have to say something - which I did ... and now I will proceed to answer your question, Sir.
You have to make a choice. Pick between:
1) Divorce your wife, and be with Angela.
2) Dump Angela, and recommit yourself to your wife.
3) Divorce your wife, dump Angela, and start over fresh with a clean slate.
Notice that in the case of item 1), I did not recommend that you marry Angela ... and the reason for that is even if your wife did not exist, I don't hear anything from you that tells me you want to spend the rest of your life with Angela. For example, you said that after you found out Angela was pregnant, you decided to get married ... and that she loves you more than you love her. You also said that Angela wants to get married in order to obtain validation from her religious family and friends, plus she can keep focking you when you land in another country. Are any of those good reasons to get married? No - not at all in my book!
Really, the above three choices are what you need to pick from. You need to decide if you truly love your wife, and if you do - then recommit to her, and try to reignite the spark (and obviously stop cheating on her). [I would not recommend that you inform your wife of your indiscretions, as nothing good will come of doing so.] With respect to Angela, it sounds like you are not "in love" with her - but if I'm reading that wrong, and you DO want to spend the rest of your life with her ... then do the right thing by divorcing your wife, and committing yourself 100 percent to Angela.
Now if NEITHER your wife NOR Angela is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, then my item 3) is your best bet. Divorce your wife, let Angela go - and reinvent yourself as a brand-new midlife bachelor with a clean slate (but with some baggage in the form of "lessons learned", obviously). From what you've written, this is the option I would probably choose if I were you.
Good luck to you, Sir. If you would like to take a look at other ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR questions/answers that have to do with various scenarios related to cheating, go to the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR index page, and select the tab entitled, "Cheating". You might also consider joining our Midlife Forum, and discuss some of your issues going on and/or helping others work through their issues. Many of us on the Midlife Forum are either divorced, or in the process of getting divorced ... so I think you can benefit from hearing multiple points-of-view.