ONLINE DATES WANT TO JUMP INTO BED?
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I live in Michigan and one of the options I have as a single woman to meet available men is through one of the popular online dating websites. It's also the most affordable for a single mom like me on limited income. It seems however that this website, which has matched into marriage a few of my friends, seems to have become a pick up spot now. A lot of the guys I am meeting, after the first date seem to just want to move into a sexual relationship and completely bypass "getting to know you". I'm in my early 40s, and I do understand most men in their early 40's tend to go through some type of midlife crisis, but come on. Do any decent women really want to be talked to or thought of as a piece of meat?
This last gentleman I met for a coffee date
seemed very nice, charming and definitely had manners. The first meeting went well ... lots of communication, eye contact, laughter, etc. It was the emails that followed the next day that were completely disappointing. I wrote a simple little note stating "I had a really nice time meeting you for coffee. Thank you again for the Sunday morning treat. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon." That lead into this guys response "Yes, it was cool Gina. You seem like a lot of fun. Love the boobs. :)"
What was that all about????
The preceding emails were trying to get me to admit I'm a naughty girl, which I continued to take offense to. I kept explaining that I was not like that. So my next exchange, realizing that he is newly divorced and probably just a stupid guy, was to say "Then I guess if you date me, you must like challenges." (basically don't think I'm going to bed with you) After his response of "I can't deal with a challenge, if it's not easy, what's the point?" About this time I had had enough. So I responded with "I guess than ultimately we are looking for different things. Keep my number when you're looking to make a connection with a great girl. In the mean time, have fun playing!" This gentleman proceeded to tell me not to be so serious, he was only joking in his previous emails to me. I ended the conversations with "I've met enough men off of this online dating site that are more interested in what's between my legs than what's between my ears. I'm sorry for being so up front and a possible Debbie Downer, but it's the truth."
As you can see from my photo, I'm just an average girl, nothing that special. The body is your typical (average) slightly curvy mom/housewife shape. I don't wear revealing cloths on dates; short skirts, high heels or knee high boots. I usually come dressed in my usual sweater and jeans. I figure it is my typical casual wear and they either like it or leave it. I'm a conversationalist, so I always do my best to keep the conversations flowing; light/surface details, few get-to-know-you-better questions, but definitely non-sexual. I'm a very laid back person, so I'm not loud, there isn't a lot of talking with my hands or giggling. I'm a happy person, I do smile a lot and can easily blush. I make sure to be attentive during conversations and most importantly look into their eyes when they speak or when I talk.
I will also attach what I have written in my online dating profile. Maybe you can help me!
Are all great guys like the unicorn? A mystical creature that you only hear about, but never see?
Thanks for whatever advice you can give me.
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Thanks for writing in, and also thanks for including your photo. The photo in this case was especially helpful as an input for how you might appear to a guy on a first date. In other words, it makes a difference if you look like a wild party girl versus an innocent girl versus something else. And in your case, I'd say that you are a very good-looking woman who dresses conservatively, and who may possibly be unaware of how extremely hot you really are. That's your warm-up for the day today. ;o)
Now there are a couple of variables that I don't know anything about. I don't know how many and which photos you chose for your profile. If it is just the one photo that you sent me, then that is a great photo to use. If there are others, you might check them for any subtle messages they could potentially convey. You typically want to choose these photos strategically - there are some good guidelines to use in the previously-mentioned article, and also a different article here called Which Photos to Pick for Your Online Dating Profile.
Another subtle thing to watch for is your user name on the site. What I noticed when you emailed me was the name in the quotes preceding your email address ... "the name"<youremailaddress.com> ... so I'm talking about the part in the quotes "the name". Yours could easily be misinterpreted, and cause the person to MAYBE think you are somewhat of a player ... even though I know that is not you, nor your intention. I'd probably change it to something like "Good Girl"<youremailaddress.com> or similar. Remember - sometimes the subtle things can make a huge difference ... particularly when we are talking about email or anything written.
You did not mention to me how long you have been single. Before I moved my current girlfriend in with me, I had been single for quite some time - and if you've read any portion of midlifebachelor.com, then you'll know all the different things I've been through and learned. My point is - midlife dating is not easy. And in my mind, one should expect to go out with a fairly sizable number of people before you find even one really good candidate for a successful long-term relationship. It is completely normal to have to kiss 50 frogs before you find your prince!
Another thing that I've learned in my post-divorce days is - you cannot take a lot of the stuff that happens with people you are dating too personally ... otherwise it will just drive you crazy. Each of us is in a different phase ... plus everyone has different short-term and long-term goals. Some are destined to be players ... others are not. Some people carry around tremendous baggage from either their previous marriage or relationships, or even their childhoods ... and often it takes time for that baggage to fully reveal itself. These challenges plus others are what make dating and finding a good long-term relationship so difficult.
You might take a look at some of the sections here in the Midlife Dating Advice section. Recognize that these are all written from a man's point-of-view. Some are universally applicable to both men and women, and others can easily be adapted to a female perspective:
Fundamental Truth #1 – Be Happy & Comfortable with Yourself - which includes a discussion about always spreading good karma, and avoiding the appearance of being overly eager
Fundamental Truth #2 – Don’t Take Things Too Personally … which also discusses how to avoid “false starts”, and how to practice “energy conservation” with respect to dating.
Fundamental Truth #3 – Be Careful Right Out of the Starting Gate is a discussion about the front-end of any brand-new relationship, and also exposes how great sex can hide the truth about someone new.
One key point I want to make is - people are typically on their best behavior when they first meet you, and often for several months into a brand-new relationship. So anything you notice that annoys you now will most assuredly more seriously annoy you down the road. My point here is - don’t be afraid to cut someone loose right away, as you are really saving everyone some time.
Concerning the guy whose email exchange you shared (which annoyed you) - he messed himself up. If he is smart, he’ll analyze what he did wrong, and not repeat his mistake with someone else. You should refer him to this website - as I think he could learn a lot.
My advice to you is - continue down the path you are right now (subject to the potential relevancy of some of the input above). You are a great woman who is seriously hot - and I know there is a really good long-term relationship in your future. I notice that you’ve already joined our Midlife Forum, and I encourage you to share your experiences AND ALSO to give your input to others on their situations … that way we all learn something new. Take care – let me know how things go for you, okay?