RICH MAN TALKS FILTHY ON FIRST DATE
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I recently went out on a first date with a very wealthy man I met over the internet - and toward the end of the date, he started saying all kinds of filthy and disgusting things that he wanted us to do together. I am a decent and nice early 40s mom ... who dresses conservatively ... and I pride myself as being a "good girl" ... because I am. His comments came out of nowhere, and I'm just curious WHY someone would feel the liberty to behave like that?
Background: he is a multi-millionaire, self-made, married previously for 30 years (high school sweetheart), and has two grown children. We had a couple of nice conversations over the phone, then decided to schedule a date. Even though both of us typically like to have a coffee date as our first meet and greet, we felt comfortable enough to do dinner. So we
met at a nice restaurant, had a great meal, couple of bottles of wine (I had about 3 glasses, he has the rest) and 5 hours later it turned disastrous.
Eighty percent of the night went very well. He did have a side of arrogance to him, but I kept reminding myself that my girlfriend married a man that had the same type of personality, he treats her like a queen and she is very happy. When the restaurant started to clear out, and we seemed to be the last ones socializing, I excused myself for the restroom. He had to go as well and offered to walk me there. We both went into our respective bathrooms - and when I emerged he was waiting there for me, very nice. He gave me a nice kiss, and to be honest I didn't mind.
We get back to the table, which was a table for a family of six. One of those big round booths. Well I slide in and the next thing I know, he's right on top of me. His arm is over my shoulder, hand in my lap. He starts trying to naush all over me, I'm a bit embarrassed, so I turn away. He now has a clear shot to my ear. He begins to whisper in my ear all the things he is going to do to me with his tongue, starting at my ankles, and it was VERY, VERY EXPLICIT. He told me how he wanted to make me come in his mouth, how much he loved oral. and at one point talked about how he could envision my legs being over his shoulder.
Now I'm a very bold, say-it-like-it-is girl typically, but I have one weak point. I'm very intimidated when men start talking to me that way. I get flustered, and I don't know how to answer or what to do, and I almost become paralyzed, just knowing I need to go! **get me with someone I love, it's a total different ball game, that would be a huge turn on.**
So I remind him again that I have a half hour drive home, and really need to get going. He checks his watch again and then ... starts again with the raunchy talk. I kind of gave him the ole slap on the arm and said "no really I do have to get going." So we get up ... he helps me on with my coat and we walk out. I'm diverting the conversation to what I see around me. The beautiful woodwork, how great the food was, etc. As soon as I finish and go to take a breath he starts again with the filthy talk.
We get to my car and I open the door, sit myself down and he's there hanging on my open door. He begins to tell me once again how he can't wait to have me come in his mouth, how he loves when it's reciprocated and he can come in my mouth, etc. I look at him and I said "listen, I'm not looking to jump into bed with anyone. I want to get to know a person, build a relationship/friendship, etc." He said back to me "I understand, I'm patient and I know we will get there. I just wanted to give you something to look forward to when you do decide to say okay."
I get home and receive a text asking if I made it okay. I wrote back and told him yes, I made it home fine, was in bed and ready to go to sleep. Next think my phone rings and it's him!!! I said to myself, "hell no!" I was not answering so that it could continue on over the phone! So the next morning I listen to his phone message and it starts out this way .... "Hi, I just received your text that you made it home safely. Not sure why you're not answering the phone, but I'm thinking you might be taking the liberty of playing with one of your toys after our conversation tonight. I promise you that you will enjoy being with me, I'm very sexual, sensual and love to please whom I'm with..........."
That's how Frog #10 went!!! [The 10th guy I dated since realizing I need to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince.] Now you might wonder how I was dressed: work cloths; black dress paints with little pin strips of grey, grey v-neck long sleeve sweater, dress shoes (not high heels), conservative make up and hair as I always wear it. I must exude sexuality out of my pours, and don't realize it!!!! lmao! Pheromones! That's what it is, maybe I can bottle it! What is wrong with men today? What was this guy's problem??? JEEZ!
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER: Wow - thanks for writing in! Hearing stories like this is extremely educational for the midlife bachelors out there ... who sometimes wonder what dividends a particular strategy might pay on a date. That guy is lucky you didn't slap his face - or pepper spray him. I think the lesson here for the guys is - be very careful about being overly presumptive when you are with someone new ... especially when you have not even slept with them even once yet.
My guess is that this guy ... being rich and all (and telling you he's rich) ... is USED TO getting his way with women on the first date. And that is likely why he didn't hesitate to talk like that to you ... even if you didn't give him a reason to think that things were moving in that direction so quickly. He may have even thought that you'd be an easy score because you were dressed conservatively, yet being friendly with him ... who knows what was going on in his head???
I think the main lesson here for you is - there is nothing wrong with being a GOOD GIRL ... and anyone who treats you in a way that you find offensive does not deserve any more of your time or your energy. I'd suggest leaving that guy in your rearview mirror - and not looking back. My guess is that he has already moved on to his next victim ... probably had two or three more in the past week alone. [And I'm not saying that is bad - this just does not line up with this good girl's values. Being a player is valid - but forcing yourself on your date is not a good strategy, and is especially bad karma.]
I, personally, would NEVER talk filthy like that on a first date - never to a woman who I had never slept with especially. There is a time and a place for everything - or least that is what I think. Probably all the wine he had did not help any, either - seems like he should watch how much he is drinking because that may very well have loosened his tongue a bit.
Hey - if you want to do that guy a favor, you should pass him a link to this subsection of Midlife Dating Advice here on midlifebachelor.com:
Attitude Adjustment / Mental Makeover 2.0
That section will help guide him toward actions he can take which exude GOOD KARMA - which then will pay him back dividends over time. He needs to get over himself!
I know you have written in previously, and I also know that you are already a member of our Midlife Forum here ... so for the benefit of everyone else reading this, please pay a visit to our online community where a number of people in the midlife age group discuss midlife dating-related issues just like this.