WHEN WILL MIDLIFE CRISIS HUSBAND RETURN TO WIFE?
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
Our divorce is final as of April 21 (31 years and 1 day past the half mark); he has been trying to force our children to meet and accept the new woman, who has been telling one of my sons "don't feel bad about your parents' divorce, it was going to happen anyway". None of our children will allow him to introduce her to them, he just shows up at their homes with her and marches her right in.
He acted as though he was coming back around emotionally and physically, up until he met her, and then it all went to crap. They are now playing house and he is spending the kind of time with her that he did with me in the beginning. I realize this is called the "honeymoon phase" of their relationship.
My question is - how long does the relationship, on average, last when the children do not accept the new woman, and people around him tend to shun him for leaving the wife for the new woman? Especially when he has been left with little or no money after all the settlement, and the constant reminder will be having to pay support for at least 10 years, if not longer. Are there recorded cases where he tires of the new woman and actually does make an effort to restore the old relationship and heal the family hurt, or does he just keep going from woman to woman after he has left the original one?
Believe it or not, I still do have feelings for the man (or maybe it is just the protective marriage arrangement and feeling of not being a marriage failure, even though he refused to work on any problems with him, but rather blamed me for all the wrongs in the marriage and walked off). Just wondering if he will ever wake up to what he has thrown away so callously. What are the odds he will eventually return home?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Thanks for writing in. You know, I don't think there is any average time length for anything concerning midlife crisis relationships, new girlfriends, children's acceptance/rejection, etc. There are so many variables, and when you throw in the fact that many people are not right in their own heads to begin with, then pretty much anything can happen. What I recommend you focus on is - do the things for yourself that you know will make you happy. Don't count on him (or anyone else) for your happiness - you've certainly learned by now that YOU are the only person you can truly count on.
Besides - would you really want him back now - if he suddenly realized what it is he has thrown away? Do you think you could forgive him after all that has happened? Do you truly believe he would never do anything like that again?
My point is - if you can allow yourself to let your feelings for him to go away, I bet you'll find a better and more permanent happiness ... with yourself, and ultimately with someone else. I've seen and heard about all kinds of affairs, and the marriages never are the same afterward. The trust is just gone - and it can never be completely restored. I, personally, think it is easier and better for the injured party (you) to move forward independently.
I strongly suggest that you read the following midlifebachelor.com article, entitled How to Deal with a Midlife Crisis Affair / Divorce because it takes you through a number of thought processes that I believe you can use to help yourself get through this ordeal.
Hopefully this was helpful. I encourage you to consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com ... where we talk about a lot of things, including dating issues. We'd be happy to have you as a member of our community. Here is a link to it: Midlife Forum