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  • Shelf Life

    So some on forum have mentioned their average time frame for new GF/bf. I think KjMudds was 45 days for a while. Although I don't sleep with a new guy right away, I have noticed it takes about 3 months to start seeing them off their 'best behavior' at which time it's something I know whether i can put up with it for a short or a long while more. So in three months, if I really like them, I'll see whether their manners still stick or their attentiveness or flexibility.
    (Most men I've met are not even in the running for three month trial however)

    The men here seem to prefer to hop in bed with new dates very soon,and think we know in first minute of meeting whether we want to sleep with them. Women, maybe not so much.

    But what are the signs symptoms and otherwise red flags that surface close to your average shelf life of a new GF/bf? If your shelf life is 45 days, what types of things are surfacing that causes you to let them go?

  • #2
    I agree with you...3-4 months before everyone is behaving real.
    That timekine has nothing to do with sex...we will never see 3-4 months without being nekkid....a lot!

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    • #3
      Reasons to let go? Insecurity, jealousy, incompatibility in the bedroom, any of many things

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      • #4
        Reasons to let go? Insecurity, jealousy, incompatibility in the bedroom, any of many things
        For me it is weird what you listed are NOT the MAJOR issues in my current relationship. Yes insecurity is her issue, I'm not searching for someone or something else because I'm trying to be patient and a "friend" my problem is I'm kind of becoming indifferent to our relationship. At first I thought her having a pre-teen daughter would be an issue and that turned out not to be an issue at all. Our political, social upbringing even racial differences are not even an issue. Distance, no, hobbies things in common no.

        Communication and trust are main issues... she wants us to do couples counseling... great... to help US communicate better... not her US to communicate better... men are apparently communication dolts.

        I wish like hell there was a IDGAFuk pill I could take and instantly turn myself into the greet em, screw em excuse em dude...

        My problem and many other dudes like me is the "The Devil You Know …" syndrome.

        Lets face it with some folks, relationships even bad ones can be habit forming it may not be good, but you know what to expect. For some these familiar patterns bring a kind of comfort, and induce an almost irrevocable inertia. I think I spent so much energy getting to this point as I said before I don't want to dive back into a cold dating pool and be exactly where I am now with someone else, coupled with maybe fear of change...

        We do like each other, we get along, very sexually compatible but not nearly enough sex tho. She has communication issues... and she clearly knows that... but being patient is wearing thin. I have written to her and have been very explicit about what my issues are. Threw her for a loop, I get the impression no dude has even read her the riot act before but now I keep having to deal with these ongoing conversations focusing on each tiny piece of my issues with her.

        Some relationships feed on love-hate patterns... well maybe not love "hate"... but much like the way addicts experience incredible highs and lows with drugs. She likes that tension crap will want to talke about something heavy then will want to be all over me... freaking weird. Wife #2 was like that.

        I tried to avoid to keep the drama out of the relationship but drama is nonetheless present and after hearing from other girl friends women need to the drama and many are addicted to it. All women require drama to help them keep the spark in relationships no matter what.

        Right now there is something going on in the family (sister post partum depression) and or with her daughter and we have spent very little time together over the past couple of weeks. The little time we spend together she is over the top affectionate and all smiles as if all is well.

        Just past the 8 month together period and already survived some messy dust ups. But the me of 10 plus years ago would have ended this. Does that make me a nice guy, patient guy or stupid guy?

        Lb started that pet thread and even that has been a sore spot for me. Her getting a potential freaking monster of a dog (St. Bernard) although sweet dog, a dog she spends an inordinate amount of time having to deal with who has take over home and cuts into an already tight budget and "us" time.

        Someone shake me or shoot me!

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        • #5
          I would agree with AOK's three month "honeymoon" period, though I don't foresee getting to that point with anyone I consider a good match anytime soon.

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          • #6
            Titus - OMG I read that and taps started to play in my head. You are stressed sir, way too stressed.

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            • #7
              couples counseling? after 8 months? not enough sex...communication issues...frustration with the dog and lack of together time...
              one word comes to mind...settling. Your pill would not make you happier, just more numb.

              Personally, I'll chose to be happily alone before I'd ever settle for numb.

              To each his own

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              • #8
                Agreed- counseling with 8 month BF ?! We're supposed to treat our BF's NICE, not torture them!

                When you wrote about her family birthday gathering that you were excluded from, it stuck in my craw. I would have (and did once) say SEEYA. If podner is not proud of me then I want no part of it.

                Also kind of confused why youre trying so hard to be supportive friend. No offense but I have impression it's hard for you to set boundaries...? Not to worry- you have some great insight into what not to allow next time :-) Titus do you have a shelf life estimate yet?

                As for myself I have not heard a thing from BC guy in day and a half, since I told him there was a problem for me from our last lovemaking (soreness). I'm not a fan of walking on eggshells, and I've been very very nice to him. Other hand I'm not willing to invest over 3 months since it appears he doesn't care to discuss sensitive topics.
                Last edited by A OK; 12-11-2013, 05:02 PM.

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                • #9
                  ok we had drinks and talked... im having drinks now... out bar hopping... will figure out how to post about this latest.. im cool

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by TitusKS View Post
                    ok we had drinks and talked... im having drinks now... out bar hopping... will figure out how to post about this latest.. im cool
                    This relationship you two have is bi-polar....

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                    • #11
                      This relationship you two have is bi-polar....
                      Yes V it sorta seems that way… In many ways I feel guilty for posting some of this because it make her seem like some sinister crazy lady and as for me well… The venting is therapeutic and cathartic. If I did what most men do and internalize and suppress I likely would be worse off.

                      couples counseling? after 8 months? not enough sex...communication issues...frustration with the dog and lack of together time...one word comes to mind...settling. Your pill would not make you happier, just more numb.
                      Let me just say this I honestly believe that this is her first real attempt at trying to honestly develop a relationship. I mentioned that blog post where I basically called her out on a lot of stuff so much of what I post here I told her. Even last night it was funny when I said “I want more sex” her face lit up like a Christmas tree as if she was like “it’s about time!” I don’t know ladies you have to give me some insight on that.

                      I posted that stuff about her selfishness, communication issues and a host of other things and she admitted that she has read that countless times. The thing about the counseling is way of soliciting help with her issues however she wants its viewed as a “we” thing and not a “her” thing. I’ve done the counseling thing before but was almost always too late for past relationships. I did some therapy and counseling stuff post-divorce to help change my outlook on life, to not be so reactionary, rid myself of anger issues, listening better ect.

                      Personally, I'll chose to be happily alone before I'd ever settle for numb.
                      AC keep in mind this is a valuable forum for processing out loud. Think of eating a good burger but before eating you watched every step of the red meat process burger may not be as appealing. I'm processing my raw meat here in a way

                      I would say to any dude here is if you are in a good relationship don’t become complacent, don’t or never assume all is well. Good relationships take work, lots of work and there are rewards for that hard work. Why am I trying so hard because I do honestly see the long term potential of us.

                      We don’t hate each other we genuinely care about and respect each other when all is well I thoroughly enjoy her company. This is hard for her because most of what I’m demanding of her has never been demanded of her because she frankly has never given a shit about being in or maintaining a relationship.
                      She said she does not want to be the sole person driving the relationship she said she wants me to take more control and ownership of the relationship... I get that.
                      She said I am so different than any man she has ever been with, most that I would describe as much older (10 to 15 plus years older) ,left wing beta hippie types and she likely use to get away with her aloofness and selfishness because she was the “younger chick.” The catalyst was me basically saying “I’m not kissing your ass to appease you, because I can be single and be cool with that.” My admittedly harsh critique cause he to regress some, but I just got tired of BSing

                      When you wrote about her family birthday gathering that you were excluded from, it stuck in my craw. I would have (and did once) say SEEYA. If podner is not proud of me then I want no part of it.
                      The birthday thing was not her deal, basically her brother (his birthday) wanted to do something with just family present so he said that to her in a back handed way without saying don’t bring your boyfriend. So to keep the peace she did what he requested. She later said that was a mistake and she would not attend family functions if I was not invited, and I went to the family Thanks Day and all was cool and her brother is cool with me.

                      Side bar, her brother dated a girl who got pregnant by a black dude so she worried that dating me might create tension…

                      Her mom and dad like me a lot a far cry from wife #2’s family, racist fucks most just kept the racist crap under the surface but believe me when I tell ya, black folks know when they are not liked or welcomed white people can’t hide their racial indignance.

                      No offense but I have impression it's hard for you to set boundaries...? Not to worry- you have some great insight into what not to allow next time :-) Titus do you have a shelf life estimate yet?
                      No offense taken... Yes because of past issues setting boundaries is an issue and yes I am working on that… WE are working on that.

                      The following article is relevant to what I and most dudes deal with.

                      Why Women Make Drama

                      http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/1...en-make-drama/

                      To seek reassurance
                      The nature of what women want – commitment – is variable while dating, and includes many stages. Even in a relationship, women wonder if they’ve got a “fake boyfriend,” i.e. glorified hookup, on their hands. There are constant questions about what kinds of expectations are appropriate. When do I meet his friends? Family? How many evenings per week will we spend together? How much “guy” time does he want? Why hasn’t he asked me to the formal, only a week away?

                      Women are perpetually aware that commitment in this era of delayed marriage is an amorphous thing, and it can be withdrawn at any moment by either party. As a result, we often feel the need to take the temperature of the relationship. Making Drama is not the best way of doing this, but it can be effective.
                      I’ve had several old female friends say to me that “drama” when it comes to relationships and how women use it is as necessary as breathing. This is not a YC thing… but a women thing…

                      If I can figure out how to navigate thru the “drama” and make her feel more secure all may be well. Longer shelf life.

                      I said in another thread that sure I could say screw it and dive back in to the dating cesspool but the likelihood is I would not come out a hell of a lot better.

                      As a person in general she meet many criteria, especially in the looks category and we have good physical chemistry something I assure you I am not likely to find at this stage of my life...

                      My soap opera digest for the day

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                      • #12
                        Titus, regarding this: "Even last night it was funny when I said “I want more sex” her face lit up like a Christmas tree as if she was like “it’s about time!” I don’t know ladies you have to give me some insight on that." I would guess because we all want to feel desired and treated with affection but sorry to say, guys in our age group are not so expressive in that area.

                        As far as your supposition about women and drama, sometimes we catch the fall for that, i know i have been guilty of stirring some up trying to get a response out of men who use a non-response tactic, being passive-aggressive. My mom actually had that trait as well- being very insecure about self expression. I know better now and avoid being manipulated. But that's part of the dance between the sexes IMHO

                        However, I know plenty of men who are drama queens as well. MAJOR drama queens.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by TitusKS View Post
                          Yes V it sorta seems that way… In many ways I feel guilty for posting some of this because it make her seem like some sinister crazy lady and as for me well… The venting is therapeutic and cathartic. If I did what most men do and internalize and suppress I likely would be worse off.
                          And "we" members push back because it is therapeutic for us. Keep posting, this is getting real interesting. LB went through something similar where people thought he should give up but he work it out. I think you are on the same path.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Vienna View Post
                            And "we" members push back because it is therapeutic for us. Keep posting, this is getting real interesting. LB went through something similar where people thought he should give up but he work it out. I think you are on the same path.
                            You have make your line in the sand, but only you can figure where that line is. Personally, I feel there is no where to hide from all the drama, as close to 25% of all women are on mood altering perscriptions of one sort or another. The best thing you can do is squash it early, tell them straight up that their insecurities are not your problem and you are not willing to pay for the emotional crimes ( real or imagined)committed by other men.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Braveheart View Post
                              You have make your line in the sand, but only you can figure where that line is. Personally, I feel there is no where to hide from all the drama, as close to 25% of all women are on mood altering perscriptions of one sort or another. The best thing you can do is squash it early, tell them straight up that their insecurities are not your problem and you are not willing to pay for the emotional crimes ( real or imagined)committed by other men.
                              I agree, however, much to my surprise I am meeting a lot of needy "men" with poor personal boundaries. We have become a nation of victims and all of our parents and ex's are guilty.

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