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Advice on Dating Men in Late 40s?

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  • Advice on Dating Men in Late 40s?

    Hi, everyone! I'm reentering a phase in my dating life that I haven't experienced in awhile (since my 20s). That is, I have some dates coming up with men who are about 10 years older than me (which in my case places them in their late 40s/early 50s). Do you have any advice for me?

    I reread Gregory's article, "What Mid-40s Men Want in a Woman". In terms of topics we can discuss, many men this age have kids. What else might they be thinking of? What's on their minds? What concerns might they have about dating a younger woman?

    What do you think is the best approach to take if they inquire about my dating life? With guys my own age, sometimes I've been modest (like, I act like I'm not dating much or not in touch w/many guys) and then I've found that they don't necessarily treat me as well. This goes back to the idea of the chase, I think, which Chloe-Marie mentioned in another recent thread. (And I'm looking forward to hearing how you gentlemen respond to that thread.) Once the guys know that other "better" (hotter, richer, taller, whatever) guys are interested in me, then they definitely step up.

    I don't want to intimidate these men and I'm not interested in having them compete. I'm dating in order to meet someone who might become a BF and possibly something more long-term. So, if I'm asked, "Do you date a lot?" or "How much are you dating these days?", what should I say?

    Thanks!!
    Maria

  • #2
    Hi Maria!

    Do you get that question a lot- a/o Is it really their business right out of the gate? You may be asking the men, but that is my age group also, and I met up with many. Glad to hear you have irons in the fire, and that is exactly what you should tell them you enjoy. Its not just a game; it shows that you are desirable, which you no doubt are! Be confident and speak out but don't overstate issues or sound like a broken record... I know, we women like to discuss things, guys seem to just like to bring it to light and move on until next time. If it's important, the topic will present itself later (usually sooner than later).

    Here are some things that I have run into:
    Empty nesters or have kids in college; both have money matters i.e. college expenses a/o retirement funding (hopefully they planned for retirement- or attempted to). But I always slip in a joke about my Ace divorce attorney who made sure I got to keep all my pension funds, then move on. Plenty are interested in traveling (not in my personal budget of time or money) bicycle, motorcycles, golf- you know, less tethers.

    They may have a woman in their life who they hold up as a standard- be it an Ex or the woman who raised them. Might be just my experience but this age seems loyal to someone in their past- and not so open minded about new female elements. At least not needing opinions about how they 'should' handle things, good reasons they made it this far! If you like them, let them know you appreciate how well they have done being a man

    They are well along in careers, which now days may have uncertain footing, and so may not want heavy commitment because of that. Show you are generous by inviting them out or paying for tickets too. Don't worry about trying to match their spending power if there is a gap, but find things to do that you can handle- it will be appreciated in most cases.

    We tend to be a generation with issue-avoidance, so don't talk about Ex's, aging parents or rebellious kids (don't think you have any tho-right?) Many will dwell on what great achievers THEIR kids are. HO hum, Spare me. I met plenty of guys quite judgemental in those departments. I quickly learned to deflect the 'what all have you been through' questions, because a. I don't wished to be screened on that, and b. a spark comes first IMHO.

    (Besides, I am a 'middle child' and do not hold issues against people because in reality, we all have baggage- but some is polka dot, some is plaid!) But maybe you have run across those interviews with younger men as well? Not to be negative, tho, I bet many will appreciate you

    Be aware that we are at an age where preventative health screenings lead to topics that shatter our self- immortality Guys deal with prostrate screening, for example. We look forward to colonoscopies! I am just saying that because, to me, it's a plus if a man has regular health checks and screenings because it shows a person is open minded and forward thinking (vs. denial or fear based) if they take care of that stuff. Does that make sense?

    When the time is right, you could easily fish around on that topic in a light manner and find out their views on it. Which leads me to: I think many guys my age actually welcome having personal conversations with women... and appreciate someone who is easy to talk to... So keep it light, have fun. You know what to do- be yourself- ENJOY!
    Last edited by A OK; 12-05-2010, 07:30 AM.

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    • #3
      I think is difficult to give you (Maria) a universal answer - because every guy is different. I can answer for ME - if I was one of the guys you were about to date ... let me do that:

      I, personally, would not have the time to "compete" for a woman's attention ... so if she told me that she is dating a lot of people, I'd probably put her on the backburner big time (unless there was some other compelling reason not to - such as big boobs). Now other guys might enjoy the chase ... but for me at this time of my life, I'd be into optimizing my time ... which would translate from a dating perspective into me not sinking my time into someone with an obvious ROI (return on investment) issue.

      My impression of you just from reading your posts here is that you are a very nice woman ... and so I'd suggest sticking with that approach, and just keep persevering until the right guy shows up. What I mean here is - I'd suggest avoiding telling someone that you date a lot (even if you do) because I think that might yield the wrong impression.

      So to answer your specific question about what to say when asked if you date a lot - I'd suggest telling that you stay as vague as possible, and imply that you don't date a lot of men. Maybe say something like, "Oh - not a lot ... here and there, I suppose."

      Everyone is different. You could always try several different approaches, and see which one works best. And report back here with your findings!

      Good luck!!!

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      • #4
        Good info to have

        Originally posted by gregory View Post
        ... but for me at this time of my life, I'd be into optimizing my time ... which would translate from a dating perspective into me not sinking my time into someone with an obvious ROI (return on investment) issue.

        - I'd suggest telling that you stay as vague as possible, , "Oh - not a lot ... here and there, I suppose."
        That is good food for thought. I met some players in this age group as well but yeah, vague is always good when being 'interviewed'. But then, Gregory you sound like a guy who knows what he wants, as far as relationships, and yes, undies.

        It would be rather nice if men were more up front with what they want.

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        • #5
          Thanks!

          Thanks for the feedback, A OK and Gregory! This is VERY, very helpful. You've connected the dots for me and I get it now. I have to go, but I'll be reporting back on how this all works out.

          In the meantime, advice from others is still very welcome!

          Maria

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          • #6
            I am in a situation similar to Gregory in that my schedule prevents me from spending too much time chasing one particular woman. One chick The Little Widow is a good example. In order to really 'get' her I would need to actually court her, something I don't/didn't have time for.

            My current gf is miss right for me at the moment and was a 'product' of a high volume dating approach.

            My advice to you Maria is to keep doing what you are doing. Date guys of all different age groups until you find the right guy, unless you have a thing for us 'old guys' exclusively haha.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by kjmudd View Post
              My advice to you Maria is to keep doing what you are doing. Date guys of all different age groups until you find the right guy, unless you have a thing for us 'old guys' exclusively haha.
              You wish! (hehe) Thanks for your encouragement, KJ. I think that I'm on the right track, especially since I've started dressing a little more provocatively for my dates and being more mindful about my communication style.

              I was a good student in school, so I'm applying those same principles here.
              "Practice makes perfect", right? lol

              Maria

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Maria View Post
                I've started dressing a little more provocatively for my dates and being more mindful about my communication style.

                Maria
                OK Maria you're not getting away that easy! Details or it didn't happen! DRESS- how, you already had a red dress I thought.... and what about your COMMUNICATION style???

                I need to get out and about more, so pointers are appreciated.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maria View Post
                  ... I've started dressing a little more provocatively for my dates ...
                  Dressing provocatively is an outstanding tactic - I highly encourage this. ha ha

                  And if all else fails, you can always adjust your standards a bit. Lower standards = higher volume, and vice versa.

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                  • #10
                    Do NOT lower your standards. Look for someone like Chris, who responded to the article, he sounds great. Unfortunately, he's too young for me

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                    • #11
                      status report

                      Hi, there! Okay, okay, I'll spill some details, A OK. You had asked if guys often ask about how much I'm dating. The question usually isn't direct, but does often come up indirectly. Since we're meeting online, they want to know if online dating has been working for me -- if I've met many people through that -- what happened -- and why I'm still single. Recently, a man directly asked me if I dated much. I'm now ready with Gregory's vague "here and there" reply.

                      I haven't worn my red dress for awhile; it's been too cold! But now I'm more thoughtful about what I wear. If I didn't think about it, I'd throw on my usual jeans, boots and a shirt! I read a magazine article about dating outfits for women. It said, "If it's appropriate to wear to work, it isn't appropriate to wear on a date." That got my attention and is my new motto. For a recent date, I wore a sparkly, sleeveless shirt with a zipper up the back and velvet pants and a moto jacket. If I hadn't thought about it, I would have worn a turtleneck. (haha) I'm serious - it was a cold day!

                      I also think more about what I say and how I say it. It is similar to an interview situation, in a sense. If a guy is talking too much about himself, now I work harder to steer the conversation my way. (More than once, a guy said at the end of our first date that he had talked all about himself and knew nothing about me. So, I try to balance that out a bit.) I try to be a little bit flirtier. On a recent date, we only had one tiny menu, so I "had" to move closer to see it. (haha) I still wasn't close enough to touch him, just closer.

                      There is no way I'm lowering my standards, Gregory, although I agree w/you that would lead to a higher volume of dates. I'm interested in quality, not quantity. I can be pretty stubborn and disciplined, but I'm also getting tired of waiting to meet someone w/BF potential. Definitely ready for a good relationship!

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                      • #12
                        Well where's Chris? He said all the right things and doesn't give a shit about Brazilian waxes. And BTW, vaginas don't have hair on them. If you find one that does well, IDK...you're dating outside your species or something...

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                        • #13
                          Where's Waldo? Uh, I mean CHRIS!

                          Originally posted by Chloe-Marie View Post
                          Well where's Chris? He said all the right things and doesn't give a shit about Brazilian waxes. And BTW, vaginas don't have hair on them. If you find one that does well, IDK...you're dating outside your species or something...
                          Hi, Chloe-Marie! I read your earlier post about dating Chris and about an article, but I don't know what article you're talking about. And who's Chris? (Is my fever getting to me? I've caught a flu bug, ick!)

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                          • #14
                            I agree with the guys... We don't want to know you're dating a lot (whether it's true or not); that's a huge turnoff. Even though I assume that she is (if I met her online), to set up the fact that later when I realize that I overestimated her escapades... A woman who implies that she is the bomb and has a lot of options can take a hike.

                            Men like, no love to chase women who are interested. But we don't like to compete for the attention of a woman who hasn't shown interest. We don't like to have to prove ourselves anymore than people like going on working interviews.

                            A real man is the prize; not the woman. (Sorry ladies). We have primitive, tribal minds based on hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. It may sound great to tell your friends to what extent a man "chased" you but in the end - you'll likely resent him for being beta, a wussy. We don't appreciate things we have; we appreciate things we don't have; things we had to work for. You'll appreciate a man (or anything else), that you had to work for. Not one that fell in your lap.

                            You'd have to work to get the alpha man; the tribal leader. Sorry, but I'm a student of evolutionary biology.

                            Control

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                            • #15
                              Chris responded to Gregory's article you referred to in your first post. I don't know where he is. Probably married by now, to some happy woman who doesn't waste her money painfully waxing her crotch every six weeks...

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