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Years Without Sex from Wife - Cheat or Be Content?

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  • Years Without Sex from Wife - Cheat or Be Content?

    The following comment showed up on one of the top-site articles entitled, How Long to Wait to Have Sex, and I thought it might be interesting to see what people here think. Here is the original comment:

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    My wife says she started her menopause 20 yrs ago, and that has prevented us from having sex. I have tried to be faithful. But those 20 yrs are gone, and I am not getting any younger. At what point am I just being a fool to wait.
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    and my response was:
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    I think you need to decide what is most important to you. If sex is the most important thing, and having sex is more important than your relationship with your wife - then you probably need to either cheat on her and/or leave her. Be careful what you wish for though - being single is tough ... it is not generally some kind of free-for-all. You might consider tossing this out as a thread in our Midlife Dating Forum for input from our community. I will start a thread there - there is a link to our Dating Forum at the top of every page of midlifebachelor.com
    ************************************************** *

    Anyone else care to give this individual some suggestions???

  • #2
    OK, I posted "My wife says she started her menopause 20 yrs ago, and that has prevented us from having sex. I have tried to be faithful. But those 20 yrs are gone, and I am not getting any younger. At what point am I just being a fool to wait." I love my wife, but I see sex as being at least 30% of our relationship. She has always told me and her friends how great our sex was, and how much she enjoyed it. Then she said she was going through menopause, which I thought was for mature women. I could not believe we went an entire year with no sex. I thought for sure the 2nd or 3rd year would get easier, but to my surprise it did not. I found it is more like drinking water. One day is not too bad, 2 days it is a little worse, 3 days is bad, 4 days is very bad, and after 5 days your willing to drink anything. For me, that was at 8 yrs I started thinking about having sex with other women. at 12 years I thought about paying for sex. At 14 yrs, I am checking out every woman, and would do anything to be with any woman. at 17 yrs I think about sex most of the time, I feel like I have become addicted to sex. Now I feel like I am going to lose my mind, I do not know if I trust her, I am feeling trapped, When I talk face to face with any woman, I have to stare at her nose to keep from checking her out. I can not understand how the only thing her menopause effect is us having sex, and menopause for 20 years seem more like a terminal illness. If this is real, I will figure a way to continue through it. But I need to know that she is not just making a fool of me.

    Also, what would you think the possibility would be for me to find a woman to be sexual for just one weekend, without ever having any future contact with her. Should that like reset me back to being like when we first stopped having sex, or do you think it would just make me want more to be with a woman.
    Last edited by Almost50; 04-11-2017, 09:59 PM.

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    • #3
      Concerning this ...

      Originally posted by Almost50 View Post
      OK, I posted "My wife says she started her menopause 20 yrs ago, and that has prevented us from having sex. I have tried to be faithful. But those 20 yrs are gone, and I am not getting any younger. At what point am I just being a fool to wait." I love my wife, but I see sex as being at least 30% of our relationship. She has always told me and her friends how great our sex was, and how much she enjoyed it. Then she said she was going through menopause, which I thought was for mature women. I could not believe we went an entire year with no sex. I thought for sure the 2nd or 3rd year would get easier, but to my surprise it did not. I found it is more like drinking water. One day is not too bad, 2 days it is a little worse, 3 days is bad, 4 days is very bad, and after 5 days your willing to drink anything. For me, that was at 8 yrs I started thinking about having sex with other women. at 12 years I thought about paying for sex. At 14 yrs, I am checking out every woman, and would do anything to be with any woman. at 17 yrs I think about sex most of the time, I feel like I have become addicted to sex. Now I feel like I am going to lose my mind, I do not know if I trust her, I am feeling trapped, When I talk face to face with any woman, I have to stare at her nose to keep from checking her out. I can not understand how the only thing her menopause effect is us having sex, and menopause for 20 years seem more like a terminal illness. If this is real, I will figure a way to continue through it. But I need to know that she is not just making a fool of me. ...

      It sounds to me like her claiming menopause is an easy excuse for not having sex with you. This could be due to any number of things which include:

      - she is having some kind of hormonal issue (which a doctor can diagnose and treat)
      - she is no longer attracted to you
      - she has been having sex with someone else
      - some combination of the above

      Does she say that she loves you? Does she still kiss you passionately ... like an open-mouth French kiss? If not or neither, then that leads me to think she is no longer attracted to you.

      Does she exhibit any of the common signs of cheating, such as:

      - Secrecy using her cell phone or mobile device
      - Secrecy with her email
      - Difficulty reaching her at times
      - Changes in her appearance
      - Any other unusual changes (like shaving her hoo-ha all of a sudden)

      I have several e-books dedicated to cheating and recovery. If you wish, I will email you for free my e-book entitled, "Signs of Infidelity - How to Know for Sure If Your Partner is Cheating". See this URL for info, and let me know if you want it for free: http://www.been-cheated-on.com/signs-of-infidelity.html I can email that PDF book to the email address you registered your account here with.

      Concerning this ...

      Originally posted by Almost50 View Post
      ...

      Also, what would you think the possibility would be for me to find a woman to be sexual for just one weekend, without ever having any future contact with her. Should that like reset me back to being like when we first stopped having sex, or do you think it would just make me want more to be with a woman.
      My experiences with online dating have been that very few women want a one-night stand. I've had a few of those, but they were accidental - not planned.

      If you really want just a one-time thing, then your best bet would be to try one of those married dating websites. I won't mention the name because I do not endorse them. Your other alternative is to pay for it - but that is also something I am not going to advocate for. In either case, use a condom (of course).

      And if you have not had sex in 20 years, and you try a sample of it with a stranger, then my guess would be you would really want a lot more ... which would lead you down a path away from your wife.

      I'm going to repeat my original and brief comment to you: I think you need to decide what is most important to you. If sex is the most important thing, and having sex is more important than your relationship with your wife - then you probably need to either cheat on her and/or leave her.

      Anyone else have some comments or wisdom to share?

      Comment


      • #4
        Almost50.......My advice is to check out deadbedrooms on Reddit. I agree with Greg, she may still want to have sex but just not with you. My guess is that she has some side trim and if you were banging her, I would get an STD test.

        Sex for men is REAL important because of the bonding and attachment stuff that results from it. You cannot negotiate desire and if you're not the one making her wet then nothing you can do can change that. Go see a lawyer. Being the good guy is just gonna get you screwed....badly. Unplug yourself.

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        • #5
          Late to the game but honestly my advice is to figure out what you want from life, maybe go see a therapist and dig into your own issues as well. My relationship with my wife was largely sexless for long periods of time (it was both of our faults). Funny aside, almost from our wedding day she started the change (no doubt I likely changed to on my wedding day just less obvious to me). Anyway you need to figure out what you want and what your plan is to get what you want. After taking a hard look at my marriage a couple of years ago I realized that financially I was better off either fixing it so it would last or ending it (wife and I make the same and good money at that but my retirement benefits are way better and each year that went on she had more of a share of my better retirement assets). Given we had a son we decided to give a shot at fixing the marriage. After some months of counseling it became clear we weren't going to be able to reconcile. Basically my wife wanted/needed me to change totally and would not admit to any of her issues. And while I acknowledged my issues I wasn't all that interested in fixing them to the degree she wanted/needed. No harm or foul there we both figured out what we needed.

          Honestly the separation and upcoming divorce is the best thing I have done in years and my wife agrees, we also get along a lot better than we did before. Both of us are now free to pursue our interests and plans as we see fit. Going into the divorce I was honestly scared shitless I came up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios but my wife and I both bent over backwards to make it a cooperative divorce and we both managed to leave the relationship in a good emotional and financial shape. My son is also doing very, very well and my relationship has improved greatly with him now that I can concentrate on him more. The other gift of my divorce was to put my issues in plain sight. I will admit it was and remains an uncomfortable self-reflection but as I understand myself better I get stronger and can figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I am so much happier now that I took control back over my life. Don't let inertia get in your way.

          I don't know what your way forward is but I do know that you own it and need to figure it out. Good luck.

          Edit: Just to add I would not suggest you cheat. Either be open with your wife about your needs and your plans to address or divorce her and move on. Also it is possible her periods stopped in her 20s or early 30s due to hormonal issues (soon to ex's sister had this happen). It can be addressed through hormone replacement therapy but at this point I doubt she is interested in doing that.

          Edit 2: I might be abnormal but I don't think being single is any tougher than being married/coupled. While it is certainly no panacea and they both have their own issues, I certainly find being single now easier than being married but there certainly are trade offs.
          Last edited by secstate; 06-14-2017, 10:28 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Late to the game, but here are my thoughts.

            Again -
            • Not meaning to offend anyone - either the person this directly concerns, or the reader.
            • What I'm discussing here - just my thoughts and opinions. How you choose to run with this? Entirely up to you.


            Gregory has done well and nailed down the main issues I would've raised -

            #3 - http://www.midlifebachelor.com/forum...9014#post89014

            Sorry, can't help myself, but.....

            Any other unusual changes (like shaving her hoo-ha all of a sudden)
            LMFAO!!!!

            There may be some highly, highly extenuating circumstances that we're just not aware of, but in my books....99.99% likely she's either:
            • Just not interested in sex.
            • Just not interested in sex with you.
            • Looking for (or already having) sex with someone else.


            Again, there may be some highly extenuating circumstances with all this (e.g. some medical/emotional issues), and if that's the case, then you need to have a serious sit-down and deep think. Leave absolutely no stone unturned, as to what those circumstances are, and how you feel. If there are extenuating circumstances - is there anyone you can talk to privately? Friend? Relative? Counselor? Do not, repeat not, think speaking to a Counselor or Therapist is a sign of shame or weakness....on this issue, or any other. More the point, nobody need know; it's rock solid confidential. What I can say is that in recent years I've spoken to friends and relatives about things I never would've dreamed I'd be willing to discuss (when much younger).

            Also, I'd be taking good note of what gregory mentioned in post #3 (above). Really have a good, long, hard, look, then think things through. One thing I can say is that most guys don't trust their instincts anywhere near enough of the time, and in relation to any issue. Now this doesn't mean people should be rash and impulsive, not at all. But most of the time, your instincts are rarely wrong. If any of the signs seem to point towards her cheating on you, have you thought about getting a Private Detective? They are absolute experts in this sorta thing - their bread and butter. Or you could tell your boss in advance you need a day off, then (carefully) come home early. Or if she's got plans for a day/week/weekend? Simple - follow her (or get a Private Detective to).

            If there aren't any extenuating circumstances (i.e. she just choosing not to have sex with you, and that's it), and/or you find out she is cheating (or she's at least looking), then I'd be dropping the hammer down on this whole debacle....yesterday. Even go so far as to get an Attorney to serve her notice while she's at work (assuming she works?) If not, just tell her face to face. I wouldn't be rude or abusive, but I'd be very, very stern with her. If she appears shocked or surprised, and/or questions why....I'd be calling bullsh*t on that right off the bat.

            Like I said, this is if there are no extenuating circumstances, but if someone is in a longterm relationship or marriage, and one of the two parties (male or female) "just doesn't want to have sex any more" (at least not with you), then I'm not necessarily looking to "assign blame", but the title of this thread is:

            "Years Without Sex from Wife - Cheat or Be Content?"

            I'd choose Option 3 - I'd be making plans for the next chapter in my life....with someone else. And the sooner, the better.
            Last edited by Realist; 06-18-2017, 12:39 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Lawnguy View Post
              Almost50.......My advice is to check out deadbedrooms on Reddit. I agree with Greg, she may still want to have sex but just not with you. My guess is that she has some side trim and if you were banging her, I would get an STD test.

              Sex for men is REAL important because of the bonding and attachment stuff that results from it. You cannot negotiate desire and if you're not the one making her wet then nothing you can do can change that. Go see a lawyer. Being the good guy is just gonna get you screwed....badly. Unplug yourself.
              What Lawnguy has said?

              Things may very well turn out that way, but first, leave absolutely no stone unturned, in regards to extenuating circumstances/all the details at hand.

              What's the cause of this?
              Is it possible your wife may change?
              the key point here is - leave no stone unturned.

              But all things considered, I think it's very likely you're just going to have to leave and move on with your life. No offence, but one thing re: Lawnguy's comments that I feel needs to be "tweaked".

              Sex for men is REAL important because of the bonding and attachment stuff that results from it.
              "Sex for men (and women) is REAL important because of the bonding and attachment stuff that results from it."

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