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  • Reasons He Is Not Having Sex with You

    Anyone else have some input for this woman - who wrote in to me on ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR?
    *************************************************
    I am trying to decide if my long-term boyfriend is impotent, gay or bi, or has some psychological problems. Here is what is going on - please tell me what you think.

    I never dated casually, and met my current boyfriend at university ten years ago. He was bright and seemed to really love me so I grew to love him. We were still studying and working hard to be good at our professions therefore we are in a long distance relationship as his work ties him to one city, mine ties me to another three hours away. Even at the very beginning of our relationship he barely ever initiated sex, didn't like kissing or cuddling or holding hands. He only did and does such if others are around, except for his family.

    When we are intimate, which does not happen often, he sometimes kisses me but that always leaves me with a rash for several days as he refuses to shave saying it hurts his skin. He does not like and do foreplay and always wants me to be on top saying missionary is tiring for him. He never had a strong sex-drive, even at the very beginning but in the last few years he got hard enough to penetrate only once and at that time he was extremely rough. It hurt so much I cried and had cramps for days afterwards but on the other hand I was happy we were finally having sex after some years.

    However, every single morning he masturbates in the bathroom. He also does it sometimes when we are in bed together to 'make me happy' and to prove that all is fine with his abilities. He also tells me that he had no problem having sex with his previous girlfriends, and it is only me and my high sex-drive which make it appear he is not performing. It's not that I am pestering him or force myself upon him and never did I bring up his half-erection but rather tried to go along and get him hard.

    He does not have outright gayish tendencies but recently has started investing into some really expensive clothing items and nice shoes (not flashy or tacky, though). He says he detests gays and I don't know of him having any gay friends but also I am not with him most of the time.

    As for other women, he does have a bright married female friend whom he adores and he often compares the two of us.

    He did want to propose but I suggested he wait because I am not sure if he finds me disgusting, or is bored with me, or is in love with someone else or impotent or gay. What do you think? I would be grateful for any insight you have. I am not sure if I am just exaggerating things or these are possible signs of a bigger problem. Whenever I tried to discuss it with him he says I make it up to be a big problem and then changes the subject.

    I love him and I enjoy being with him but I always feel 'when should I have sex and children if not now?' But what if he can't and/or doesn't want to work on it as he says he is happy like this?

    I only had a few boyfriends before him, and making love wasn't an issue - I enjoyed giving and receiving and they did too. So I am now getting more and more confused. Any insight you have, I would be grateful for it. Thank you for your help in advance.
    *************************************************

  • #2
    Here is my answer to the above ...

    First of all, I don't see anything to remotely suggest that he is gay or bi or anything like that (unless you left out some important data points). Based on similar stories I have heard elsewhere, my guess is that he:

    1) Has low testosterone.
    2) Is simply not that physically attracted to you.
    3) Has some kind of mental health issue from his past that makes him averse to having sex.
    4) Some combination of 1), 2), and/or 3).

    His doctor can do a simple blood test to see if his testosterone levels are within the normal range ... and if they are not, then there are testosterone gels that he can use that will bring his hormones (and his sex drive) back up to where it needs to be.

    If he is not that attracted to you, then he may be cheating on you with someone else - or not. From everything you said, it sounds like he just might not be very physically attracted to you ... but he stays with you because he really likes you as a person. If he is having sex with someone else, then for sure he is just not that attracted to you. You can ask him how attracted he is to you, and see how he responds.

    You also might ask him if there is anything in his past (particularly his childhood or adolescence) that involves anything sexual that would influence his thoughts or behaviors today. You might be surprised what you learn - if he is honest. If he simply gets mad, and won't respond - then there is a big issue hidden in his past.

    Could also be a combo of one or more of the aforementioned. Really you need to talk to him, and get him to open up to you for the benefit of both of you. If he won't or doesn't then you may simply need to think about leaving him - as life is too short to continue to live this way.

    Anyone else have some different or additional input for this woman?

    Comment


    • #3
      A woman always gets confused when a man withholds sex from her, and she thinks "what is going on here?": How old are you two? Besides the possible reasons that OP (original poster) and gregory listed for doing this, there is for sure the possibility that this man has the tendency to be gay or bi-sexual or at least bi-curious, but is hiding it. Are you, OP, doing the chasing and pursuing, being the aggressive one whereas he is the passive one? Do you feel that the gender roles are reversed? Something else: Some men withhold sex as manipulation and even punishment to have the power in the relationship. Sex is very important in a relationship and if he behaves now like this it will get worse when you two are married. Honestly, I would dump him.

      Comment


      • #4
        I cannot find the button for posting a new topic, so I post it here: << moved by admin to a new post - see it here >>

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
          I cannot find the button for posting a new topic, so I post it here: ...
          In order for the New Topic button to be visible, you have to be at the forum level (as opposed to being inside a post - like you are right now). So to post a new topic into this forum, you would go to this URL: http://www.midlifebachelor.com/forum...e-dating-forum

          Next you would need to be sure to be logged in.

          And then hit the New Topic button, as shown below. I will take your comments above, and make them into a new post for you cappidemo.jpg

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
            A woman always gets confused when a man withholds sex from her, and she thinks "what is going on here?": How old are you two? Besides the possible reasons that OP (original poster) and gregory listed for doing this, there is for sure the possibility that this man has the tendency to be gay or bi-sexual or at least bi-curious, but is hiding it. Are you, OP, doing the chasing and pursuing, being the aggressive one whereas he is the passive one? Do you feel that the gender roles are reversed? Something else: Some men withhold sex as manipulation and even punishment to have the power in the relationship. Sex is very important in a relationship and if he behaves now like this it will get worse when you two are married. Honestly, I would dump him.
            Well I, personally, would never withhold sex from anyone. Just saying!!! If that is a weapon we men use, then I would have to come up with a different weapon - like just yelling or something. ha ha

            Comment


            • #7
              Greg, you might not know men who are into this, withholding sex from a woman to not lose
              the power over her, like women use sex as bargaining chip. This is, for sure, a very risky MO,
              and certain men apply this strategy only towards women they are sure these women have
              fallen for them. If not, a woman will just kick him to the curb.

              I admitted on tnis forum before that I believe in astrology, I am not very savvy about it, it is
              downright a science, but I definitely believe in the basic characteristics of the different zodiac
              signs, the good and the bad traits. And people who share the same sign have remarkable
              similarities, this is my experience. Also the compaitibility between the different signs is
              amazing, so on the spot.

              According to my experience Scorpio men are very manipulative and afraid of losing the power
              in a relationship, playing all kinds of tricks, switching form extremely hot to ice cold at the
              drop of the hat, etc..... very interesting, fascinating, never boring, but also exhausting zodiac
              sign.


              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
                Greg, you might not know men who are into this, withholding sex from a woman to not lose
                the power over her, like women use sex as bargaining chip. This is, for sure, a very risky MO,
                and certain men apply this strategy only towards women they are sure these women have
                fallen for them. If not, a woman will just kick him to the curb.

                I admitted on tnis forum before that I believe in astrology, I am not very savvy about it, it is
                downright a science, but I definitely believe in the basic characteristics of the different zodiac
                signs, the good and the bad traits. And people who share the same sign have remarkable
                similarities, this is my experience. Also the compaitibility between the different signs is
                amazing, so on the spot.

                According to my experience Scorpio men are very manipulative and afraid of losing the power
                in a relationship, playing all kinds of tricks, switching form extremely hot to ice cold at the
                drop of the hat, etc..... very interesting, fascinating, never boring, but also exhausting zodiac
                sign.

                So you are saying that the original poster and her boyfriend may not be compatible from an astrological standpoint? If that is true then how did they align to begin with? Maybe it was an accident? [I always said that Arnold Schwarzenegger was having sex with his large housekeeper by accident ... same thing as a car accident. Same could be true here, I suppose.]

                I know I have had more than one such accident in my past - where I wound up sleeping with a woman who was completely incompatible with me in so many ways. This was typically discovered later - when she talked. ha ha

                Comment


                • #9
                  Your boyfriend has many of the classic signs of the dismissive avoidant attachment style. Essentially attachment theory (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults) attempts to explain attachment styles in adults. I too am a classic dismissive avoidant (at least in romantic relationships). Essentially dismissive avoidants are going to be less comfortable with intimacy both emotional and physical (hence little sex with you but lots of masturbation which shows his sex drive is intact). There is a book called Attached that delves deeply into Attachment Theory for lay persons. While I think some of the literature on dismissive avoidants is more negative than it needs to be (I think the psychological community tends to want to make outlier conditions as disorders when often times they are just differences) some avoidants can have real issues, others are fine being the way they are. About 25% of adults have the dismissive avoidant style (men are more likely to be avoidants).

                  The bad news for you unless he sees this and wants to change he isn't going to change and even if he wants to change it will be a long road ahead. In fact he may be perfectly happy the way he is. I suggest you read up on attachment theory and then broach the subject with him. Also I am not saying you have the anxious attachment style but read up on the anxious/avoidant trap because those two attachment styles tend to attract one another and they are horrible for each other because they bring out the worst in each other. My ex-wife has the anxious attachment style and the anxious/avoidant trap explains most of the problems in our marriage. We also pushed each other further away from the secure attachment style over time with her becoming more anxious and me becoming more avoidant.

                  Honestly I hate to say this, but given the history you report and the long distance relationship, I think you would be best off moving on sooner rather than later. Don't waste your youth on somebody who cannot meet your needs.

                  Good luck.
                  Last edited by secstate; 06-10-2017, 09:14 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by gregory View Post

                    So you are saying that the original poster and her boyfriend may not be compatible from an astrological standpoint? If that is true then how did they align to begin with? Maybe it was an accident? [I always said that Arnold Schwarzenegger was having sex with his large housekeeper by accident ... same thing as a car accident. Same could be true here, I suppose.]

                    I know I have had more than one such accident in my past - where I wound up sleeping with a woman who was completely incompatible with me in so many ways. This was typically discovered later - when she talked. ha ha
                    Not only and always.
                    What I write in the second paragraph is only an example for what i write in the first paragraph.
                    It's more of a mistake than an accident.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by secstate View Post
                      Your boyfriend has many of the classic signs of the dismissive avoidant attachment style. Essentially attachment theory (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults) attempts to explain attachment styles in adults. I too am a classic dismissive avoidant (at least in romantic relationships). Essentially dismissive avoidants are going to be less comfortable with intimacy both emotional and physical (hence little sex with you but lots of masturbation which shows his sex drive is intact). There is a book called Attached that delves deeply into Attachment Theory for lay persons. While I think some of the literature on dismissive avoidants is more negative than it needs to be (I think the psychological community tends to want to make outlier conditions as disorders when often times they are just differences) some avoidants can have real issues, others are fine being the way they are. About 25% of adults have the dismissive avoidant style (men are more likely to be avoidants).

                      The bad news for you unless he sees this and wants to change he isn't going to change and even if he wants to change it will be a long road ahead. In fact he may be perfectly happy the way he is. I suggest you read up on attachment theory and then broach the subject with him. Also I am not saying you have the anxious attachment style but read up on the anxious/avoidant trap because those two attachment styles tend to attract one another and they are horrible for each other because they bring out the worst in each other. My ex-wife has the anxious attachment style and the anxious/avoidant trap explains most of the problems in our marriage. We also pushed each other further away from the secure attachment style over time with her becoming more anxious and me becoming more avoidant.

                      Honestly I hate to say this, but given the history you report and the long distance relationship, I think you would be best off moving on sooner rather than later. Don't waste your youth on somebody who cannot meet your needs.

                      Good luck.
                      I totally agree with this "dismissive avoidant attachment: theory. People, especially men, who are afraid that too much intimacy will make them too attached to their partner and who always strive to keep a certain distance, so that a sudden abandonment will not hurt them too much. Those are the ones who feel very deeply.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by gregory View Post
                        Anyone else have some input for this woman - who wrote in to me on ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR?
                        *************************************************
                        I am trying to decide if my long-term boyfriend is impotent, gay or bi, or has some psychological problems. Here is what is going on - please tell me what you think.

                        I never dated casually, and met my current boyfriend at university ten years ago. He was bright and seemed to really love me so I grew to love him. We were still studying and working hard to be good at our professions therefore we are in a long distance relationship as his work ties him to one city, mine ties me to another three hours away. Even at the very beginning of our relationship he barely ever initiated sex, didn't like kissing or cuddling or holding hands. He only did and does such if others are around, except for his family.

                        When we are intimate, which does not happen often, he sometimes kisses me but that always leaves me with a rash for several days as he refuses to shave saying it hurts his skin. He does not like and do foreplay and always wants me to be on top saying missionary is tiring for him. He never had a strong sex-drive, even at the very beginning but in the last few years he got hard enough to penetrate only once and at that time he was extremely rough. It hurt so much I cried and had cramps for days afterwards but on the other hand I was happy we were finally having sex after some years.

                        However, every single morning he masturbates in the bathroom. He also does it sometimes when we are in bed together to 'make me happy' and to prove that all is fine with his abilities. He also tells me that he had no problem having sex with his previous girlfriends, and it is only me and my high sex-drive which make it appear he is not performing. It's not that I am pestering him or force myself upon him and never did I bring up his half-erection but rather tried to go along and get him hard.

                        He does not have outright gayish tendencies but recently has started investing into some really expensive clothing items and nice shoes (not flashy or tacky, though). He says he detests gays and I don't know of him having any gay friends but also I am not with him most of the time.

                        As for other women, he does have a bright married female friend whom he adores and he often compares the two of us.

                        He did want to propose but I suggested he wait because I am not sure if he finds me disgusting, or is bored with me, or is in love with someone else or impotent or gay. What do you think? I would be grateful for any insight you have. I am not sure if I am just exaggerating things or these are possible signs of a bigger problem. Whenever I tried to discuss it with him he says I make it up to be a big problem and then changes the subject.

                        I love him and I enjoy being with him but I always feel 'when should I have sex and children if not now?' But what if he can't and/or doesn't want to work on it as he says he is happy like this?

                        I only had a few boyfriends before him, and making love wasn't an issue - I enjoyed giving and receiving and they did too. So I am now getting more and more confused. Any insight you have, I would be grateful for it. Thank you for your help in advance.
                        *************************************************
                        This "As for other women, he does have a bright married female friend whom he adores and he often compares the two of us." is, considering all the other points you bring up in your post, a (bit of) red flag to me.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          First of all, I take my hat off to the woman for having the courage to step up and mention this.
                          Secondly, I mean absolutely no offence with any of my comments - either to the woman who raised this issue, or to anyone reading them.

                          What gregory mentioned here....


                          Originally posted by gregory View Post
                          Here is my answer to the above ...

                          First of all, I don't see anything to remotely suggest that he is gay or bi or anything like that (unless you left out some important data points). Based on similar stories I have heard elsewhere, my guess is that he:

                          1) Has low testosterone.
                          2) Is simply not that physically attracted to you.
                          3) Has some kind of mental health issue from his past that makes him averse to having sex.
                          4) Some combination of 1), 2), and/or 3).

                          ...........

                          If he is not that attracted to you, then he may be cheating on you with someone else - or not. From everything you said, it sounds like he just might not be very physically attracted to you ... but he stays with you because he really likes you as a person. If he is having sex with someone else, then for sure he is just not that attracted to you. You can ask him how attracted he is to you, and see how he responds.

                          .....gregory's done a really good job in nailing down what I think the issues might be. And again, not meaning to be insulting or hurtful, I think it's most likely the "5th" or "6th" issue(s)

                          If he is not that attracted to you, then he may be cheating on you with someone else.
                          (or he's at least interested in/looking at another woman/women.)

                          I could be entirely wrong, but that's what my instincts are telling me.

                          Just to be clear, it's not only acceptable, but perfectly normal, for people not to be interested in sex all the time, and/or always at the same time that their partner is. In fact I don't think there's ever been a relationship since Adam & Eve where two people always want to have sex at the exact same time as their partner, and at no other time - just doesn't happen. And you said your partner masturbates? Again, perfectly normal. Upward of 99.99% of the population does as well. But if/when one partner is either regularly turning their shoulder away from their partner (for sex), and/or hardly ever initiates sex, then that's a problem....a massive problem. It's entirely possible he just a low testosterone level/sex drive and not looking elsewhere, but even if that's the case, I personally think that storm clouds are on the horizon, as far as this relationship is concerned, if not already. The circumstances this woman has described - it's warning signs, and in big, bold, neon lights. At least from where I sit. And if he's masturbating regularly and showing little interest in sex with her and is openly comparing her to other women? Then you can turn up the lights on those warning signs even brighter.

                          Just to give a bit of a perspective here, I previously read some general comments from a Divorce Attorney (not in this forum), and while this isn't isn't word-for-word, it's pretty damn close:

                          "The main reason dates/relationships/marriages fall apart is usually for one (or a combination of) three reasons:
                          • Sex (chemistry/attraction/intimacy)
                          • Money
                          • Kids

                          And not in any particular order."
                          Now to suggest that those three issues, and no other, are the only reasons why dates/relationships/marriages go well or fail is utter stupidity, no doubt about it. But considering what that Attorney said, along with looking at all the things I've either experienced or seen from a-far - I can tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, is that those three take priority over everything else, without exception. Are other issues important? My word, yes. But those three sit at the top of the list. Cut. And. Dried. Black. And. White. More the point, I don't want to spend months or years trying to work out whether or not any of these sort of main issues are going to be a road block. But the what/where/how of going about finding out about these sorta main issues? - that's another matter entirely, and has often caused me serious angst. It's often been the dilemma of:

                          Risking upsetting/offending someone early on -vs- hitting an almighty world of headaches and problems down the track

                          But if a partner isn't interested in sex/intimacy on any one, single occasion, then that means next to nothing....water off a duck's back. Means nil, nada, zero, zilch. But if (and this is a very, very big if) a partner turns their shoulder away from attempts at sex/intimacy....a number of times in a row (whatever that "number" may be)....and/or they never (or hardly ever) initiate sex/intimacy.....then that sends alarm bells ringing. Air Raid Sirens at top volume. At least in my books. Again, not any one, single, occasion of disinterest in sex....but several-times-in-a-row. In fact if/when I now get confronted with that situation, I'm gone, and the door shuts behind me. Nor do I even contemplate apologising.

                          Even if this woman's partner isn't "straying" or looking elsewhere, this relationship simply screams of incompatibility from how I look at it. Not assigning blame to either party, just incompatibility.

                          All things considered, I think this woman should leave her current partner....yesterday. Nor should she apologise in any way, shape, or form. Could I be wrong in my assessments? Absolutely. But going on what I've read and my instincts, I doubt that I'm making a bad call. If this woman does choose to end the relationship - if the circumstances are as dire as she has described, then this fella would know damn well as to why.

                          Sort of related to all this.....

                          One of the problems that most/all guys have is that we're not as intuitive as women, when it comes to different people and different situations. And those comments from that Defence Attorney are a prime example of that. While those issues may appear blatantly obvious to some/most/all women, but with us guys? - until we read or hear something in black and white, we often don't twig to the fact. The sorta things that are "right in plain sight" (such as the sex-money-kids issues) often sail right under men's radars. Not everything, but many things do. I've certainly experienced relationships myself (as have people I know) where they get deeply involved with someone, where some sort of main issue(s) raises it's head down the track, then it's battle stations. Really unpleasant.
                          Last edited by Realist; 06-17-2017, 11:48 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
                            Something else: Some men withhold sex as manipulation and even punishment to have the power in the relationship.
                            Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
                            Greg, you might not know men who are into this, withholding sex from a woman to not lose
                            the power over her, like women use sex as bargaining chip. This is, for sure, a very risky MO,
                            and certain men apply this strategy only towards women they are sure these women have
                            fallen for them.
                            Some very good comments in this Thread from curious cappi, but in regards to the comments I've highlighted above, I felt I needed to make some comments here (regarding hetero relationships). I'm certainly not looking to start a Gender War here (enough of that goes on - every which way all over the place), but had to set this straight.

                            In hetero relationships, I have absolutely no doubt that men have used this ploy of deliberately withholding/refusing sex/intimacy with their partner - no question about it. In a number of situations, it may very well be unintentional, but some guys would deliberately withhold sex/intimacy, knowing full well what effect this would have on their partner/relationship. And taking this even further, when it comes to "wearing the A.s.s. Hat", I'm of the firm belief that we guys wear the "A**hole Gold Medal". Not on any one specific issue, but on a range of issues. You only need to look at all the violence, assaults, fighting, abuse, prison levels, etc., to see that men, in general, lead the way when it comes to behaving badly. Who/what/when/where/why? People can argue that endlessly, but we guys generally are the "worse" of the Genders, in regards to behaviour and conduct. But having said that, the small segments I highlighted from curious cappi's posts - women are way, way, waaaaaaaaaaay more guilty of this particular ploy than we mere, mortal males. Like I said above, I'm not suggesting men aren't guilty of this, not at all. But this is a predominantly female behaviour trait, for whatever reason. I'm not referring to some physical/medical inability to have sex, but of deliberately withholding sex/intimacy. And by a very, very significant margin....not anywhere near 51% -vs- 49%. Way more prominent than that. I'd say 90% of cases, if not more. Unfortunately, if men ever raise this complaint about their (hetero) partners, they are often treated entirely differently than if women raise this complaint. Thank God (and Allah) this attitude has begun to change, and a much fairer and realistic view is being taken nowadays, regardless of gender.

                            But if there's one thing you can take from all this, it's what I've highlighted below....and not just in regard to sex, but in regards to any serious behavioural/personality trait that you find negative or problematic in some way:

                            Originally posted by curious cappi View Post
                            Sex is very important in a relationship and if he behaves now like this it will get worse when you two are married. Honestly, I would dump him.
                            Originally posted by secstate View Post
                            Honestly I hate to say this, but given the history you report and the long distance relationship, I think you would be best off moving on sooner rather than later. Don't waste your youth on somebody who cannot meet your needs.

                            Good luck.
                            If someone goes into a relationship thinking:

                            "I love him/her, but I need to change them."

                            Big, big mistake. If there are major problems or warning signs early on in the piece, then the sooner you pull the pin, the better.
                            Last edited by Realist; 06-18-2017, 02:48 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by curious cappi View Post

                              This "As for other women, he does have a bright married female friend whom he adores and he often compares the two of us." is, considering all the other points you bring up in your post, a (bit of) red flag to me.
                              "Bit of" a red flag? HUGE red flag, particularly in combination with the other issues. Dump him.

                              Comment

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