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Reasons He Is Not Having Sex with You

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  • Reasons He Is Not Having Sex with You

    Anyone else have some input for this woman - who wrote in to me on ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR?
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    I am trying to decide if my long-term boyfriend is impotent, gay or bi, or has some psychological problems. Here is what is going on - please tell me what you think.

    I never dated casually, and met my current boyfriend at university ten years ago. He was bright and seemed to really love me so I grew to love him. We were still studying and working hard to be good at our professions therefore we are in a long distance relationship as his work ties him to one city, mine ties me to another three hours away. Even at the very beginning of our relationship he barely ever initiated sex, didn't like kissing or cuddling or holding hands. He only did and does such if others are around, except for his family.

    When we are intimate, which does not happen often, he sometimes kisses me but that always leaves me with a rash for several days as he refuses to shave saying it hurts his skin. He does not like and do foreplay and always wants me to be on top saying missionary is tiring for him. He never had a strong sex-drive, even at the very beginning but in the last few years he got hard enough to penetrate only once and at that time he was extremely rough. It hurt so much I cried and had cramps for days afterwards but on the other hand I was happy we were finally having sex after some years.

    However, every single morning he masturbates in the bathroom. He also does it sometimes when we are in bed together to 'make me happy' and to prove that all is fine with his abilities. He also tells me that he had no problem having sex with his previous girlfriends, and it is only me and my high sex-drive which make it appear he is not performing. It's not that I am pestering him or force myself upon him and never did I bring up his half-erection but rather tried to go along and get him hard.

    He does not have outright gayish tendencies but recently has started investing into some really expensive clothing items and nice shoes (not flashy or tacky, though). He says he detests gays and I don't know of him having any gay friends but also I am not with him most of the time.

    As for other women, he does have a bright married female friend whom he adores and he often compares the two of us.

    He did want to propose but I suggested he wait because I am not sure if he finds me disgusting, or is bored with me, or is in love with someone else or impotent or gay. What do you think? I would be grateful for any insight you have. I am not sure if I am just exaggerating things or these are possible signs of a bigger problem. Whenever I tried to discuss it with him he says I make it up to be a big problem and then changes the subject.

    I love him and I enjoy being with him but I always feel 'when should I have sex and children if not now?' But what if he can't and/or doesn't want to work on it as he says he is happy like this?

    I only had a few boyfriends before him, and making love wasn't an issue - I enjoyed giving and receiving and they did too. So I am now getting more and more confused. Any insight you have, I would be grateful for it. Thank you for your help in advance.
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  • #2
    Here is my answer to the above ...

    First of all, I don't see anything to remotely suggest that he is gay or bi or anything like that (unless you left out some important data points). Based on similar stories I have heard elsewhere, my guess is that he:

    1) Has low testosterone.
    2) Is simply not that physically attracted to you.
    3) Has some kind of mental health issue from his past that makes him averse to having sex.
    4) Some combination of 1), 2), and/or 3).

    His doctor can do a simple blood test to see if his testosterone levels are within the normal range ... and if they are not, then there are testosterone gels that he can use that will bring his hormones (and his sex drive) back up to where it needs to be.

    If he is not that attracted to you, then he may be cheating on you with someone else - or not. From everything you said, it sounds like he just might not be very physically attracted to you ... but he stays with you because he really likes you as a person. If he is having sex with someone else, then for sure he is just not that attracted to you. You can ask him how attracted he is to you, and see how he responds.

    You also might ask him if there is anything in his past (particularly his childhood or adolescence) that involves anything sexual that would influence his thoughts or behaviors today. You might be surprised what you learn - if he is honest. If he simply gets mad, and won't respond - then there is a big issue hidden in his past.

    Could also be a combo of one or more of the aforementioned. Really you need to talk to him, and get him to open up to you for the benefit of both of you. If he won't or doesn't then you may simply need to think about leaving him - as life is too short to continue to live this way.

    Anyone else have some different or additional input for this woman?

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