What is Normal? (how many dates before sex)

**kjmudd** · 11-23-2011, 02:12 PM

Yesterday I had a phone conversation with a dear female friend to discuss her dating situations. During the call I asked how many times she had gone out with the guy she is currently seeing...she has not 'slept' with the guy. She said 7 times.

When I heard this I was a little bit shocked...not for her but for myself as I compared it to my own experience over the last 3 years. I cannot remember dating anyone where I didn't have sex by the 3rd date. My dear female friend, bless her heart, said that is because I am really hot.

Now I don't know about that haha....but I am concerned that maybe - just maybe, the serial part of my serial monogamy is largely due to getting it 'in' very early in my relationships. I remember telling myself I would not sleep with my last gf on the 3rd date,...even having a conversation with another female friend on the way to the gfs house telling her I was not going to have sex. The record shows I failed miserably....a victim of moral turpitude, perhaps (my new favorite words...right up there with 'tomfoolery').

Ok...as I embark further with several interested women I ask these questions:

1. What is normal?
2. Does having sex early on begin a relationship 'death knoll?'
3. If the answer to #2 is YES...what do I do stay chaste? Should I set a minimal number of dates or plan a bunch of activity dates like rock climbing, polo or barrel jumping?
4. Should I start going back to church? I almost went to confession a few weeks ago after reflecting on a few sins.

Keeping in mind I am not really a 'playuh' but seem to have a lot of opportunities for fast sex...and they ALWAYS want more (maybe God's joke on womankind haha).

I want to do what is right, yes I do, and not be the proverbial dog (sorry Sam haha) returning to his....

Thank you for your consideration and input!

kjmudd

animalcontrol · 11-23-2011, 03:19 PM

damn.good.question.

do you think the quantity/quality of conversation in between dates matters?

My gut reaction (and limited experience)supports the 3-5 date range...

For anyone 'needing' longer than that, I seriously wonder why? sex is important! you should know everything you need to know by that point to make an informed decision about it. 'It' is either there or it isn't.

Get busy livin or get busy finding someone else to get busy with!! hehe

**gregory** · 11-23-2011, 05:15 PM

One problem with waiting an extended period before sleeping with someone is that if the sox is bad or unpleasant - then you've wasted a boatload of time and money by waiting.

I think at our age, we are smarter about judging potential mates than we were when we were younger - hence there is the tendency to jump into bed quicker. Of course, we are still wrong about people some percentage of the time - and that is what constitutes a "false start" in the language of this website.

So I'm still a fan of the Three Date Rule - which says essentially that unless things are happening by the end of three dates, then there is probably something wrong ... some incompatibility. I could be wrong - chances are slim though! ha ha

In terms of your specific questions:

1. What is normal?
Normal is different for every one of us. I'd say it is normal for you to be in the sack within three dates, based on what I know of you here.

2. Does having sex early on begin a relationship 'death knoll?'
Negative - sex is one component of a good relationship, and there is nothing wrong with giving it a try early. Not having it early enough might delay an important input (good or bad) for the relationship overall.

3. If the answer to #2 is YES...what do I do stay chaste? Should I set a minimal number of dates or plan a bunch of activity dates like rock climbing, polo or barrel jumping?
Well if you want to give chaste a try, I suppose you could. I think moral or even oral turpitude would be more fun for you though.

4. Should I start going back to church? I almost went to confession a few weeks ago after reflecting on a few sins.
Well I am Catholic and I go to church periodically ... but I avoid the confessional because there simply is not enough time available for me to do a complete set of confessions. I guess you could simply give the priest CATEGORIES and maybe some ROUND NUMBERS, but I'm not sure he would find that amuzing. Perhaps for a significant enough tithe, you could ask to be granted a set of indulgences. ha ha

So my input is - get back on the horse, kjmudd! Remember - we are not getting any younger!

**CEOGF** · 11-24-2011, 06:37 AM

3 is normal but I have stopped going by that as of a few months ago. With online dating you can date a lot of people and it's easy a lot times to go out with someone 3x and have sex and quickly things go down hill. Then you are on to the next and next and over and over again.

I have started waiting for about 3wks even a month. I have noticed that's when some tomfoolery or other craziness starts showing and then I'm out without any attachments and without spreading my legs to some douche bag.
But if the timing is right and I'm just horny date 3 is about when I would give it up. The guy that I have been seeing it took 6 dates.

**SamtheDog** · 11-24-2011, 10:12 AM

Has nothing to do with the amount of dates....if she is good to go, you will know...no rocket science required

**Maria** · 11-24-2011, 07:54 PM

Hi! I don't have a specific number of dates or length of time. However, before having sex (and by that I mean both intercourse and/or oral), these are my requirements:
1) I need to know that the man is interested in me personally and in getting to know me better -- not just desperate for sex.
2) We have to be in a monogamous relationship, with the possibility for a long-term relationship.
3) We have to talk about birth control and STDs. I want to get that out of the way before the fun begins.

I made up this list after returning to dating about 2+ years ago (following my divorce). They aren't for everyone, but they've worked out great for me.

**Captain No Marriage** · 11-25-2011, 04:46 AM

Great question. First off, if a you're hot for someone and everything is clicking, 3 dates is plenty. Myself if sex doesn't happen by the third date I'm out. Not because I'm just after sex, but I only have a limited amount of time between work and everything else. I also have other women I can date that have no hang ups about sex. Some of the best relationships I've had were ones that we had sex on the first date.

Also, if you do decide to make a guy wait, just remember there are other women out there who won't make him wait. Like your friend for example, sure she might have not slept with this guy yet, but I would bet he has someone else picking up the slack while she thinks she's keeping him "waiting". Plus when you play waiting games you never know what kind of signal you give, to me it says you're not interested. Last thing I want is a woman who can easily say no to sex with me. I want her to be hot for me!

**kjmudd** · 11-25-2011, 06:19 AM

Originally Posted by Captain No Marriage

Great question. First off, if a you're hot for someone and everything is clicking, 3 dates is plenty. Myself if sex doesn't happen by the third date I'm out. Not because I'm just after sex, but I only have a limited amount of time between work and everything else. I also have other women I can date that have no hang ups about sex. Some of the best relationships I've had were ones that we had sex on the first date.

Also, if you do decide to make a guy wait, just remember there are other women out there who won't make him wait. Like your friend for example, sure she might have not slept with this guy yet, but I would bet he has someone else picking up the slack while she thinks she's keeping him "waiting". Plus when you play waiting games you never know what kind of signal you give, to me it says you're not interested. Last thing I want is a woman who can easily say no to sex with me. I want her to be hot for me!

Welcome back Cap'n!

I agree with your last sentence 100%!

Ultimately that is the reason I have broken up several relationships....at the end they started to put other interests ahead of being hot for me.

While I think there is something good about trying to wait I realize that if the timing and attraction is there (and they are good to go) I am not going to be able to just say no anyway.

There is so much great input from everybody in this thread!

**A OK** · 11-25-2011, 06:47 AM

I like the idea of Maria's checklist, tho I think its a tad bit too long

but you OWN it and that's the important thing. I have asked my teens to have a checklist of sorts to think it through ahead, and that seems to be sufficiently annoying to them to have SOME impact- YAY!

Of course we are discussing MIDLIFE dating...

Originally Posted by Captain No Marriage

Great question. First off, if a you're hot for someone and everything is clicking, 3 dates is plenty. Myself if sex doesn't happen by the third date I'm out. Not because I'm just after sex, but I only have a limited amount of time between work and everything else. I also have other women I can date that have no hang ups about sex. Some of the best relationships I've had were ones that we had sex on the first date......

Sure if you like, but call it what it is- you're horny, spoiled, need instant gratification and want to jump in and test drive a woman before you decide if ya like her enough to stick around- OR- you prefer fast women!. Just because we don't jump in bed on your arbitrary 3-date permission rule does not mean we have hang ups about sex..... CEOGF says it best

Originally Posted by CEOGF

...I have started waiting for about 3wks even a month. I have noticed that's when some tomfoolery or other craziness starts showing and then I'm out without any attachments and without spreading my legs to some douche bag.....

Sure I'm gonna have to be hot for someone to even consider dating him more than 1 time, let alone 3, but it takes a few more dates for the signs to shine about whether I can stand a man. Ha Ha.

Originally Posted by Captain No Marriage

....Also, if you do decide to make a guy wait, just remember there are other women out there who won't make him wait. Like your friend for example, sure she might have not slept with this guy yet, but I would bet he has someone else picking up the slack while she thinks she's keeping him "waiting". Plus when you play waiting games you never know what kind of signal you give, to me it says you're not interested. Last thing I want is a woman who can easily say no to sex with me. I want her to be hot for me!

Save your lecture about deciding to 'make a guy wait', Captain. Try keeping your d*ck receptor in your pants, you may be surprised about what other receptors on ya kick into receiving mode.... . Yeah that's me lecturing YOU now. TFB if a guy needs it that fast, and his sexual standards are more important than my feelings then let him get it somewhere else. I'm not desperate after all Ive been through.

Glad you're back Captain, have a nice day.

**DevotedDad** · 12-11-2011, 10:03 PM

Not sure if this thread is stale....but I thought I'd post my 2 cents anyway.

No wonder I've always felt abnormal.

I had no clue what the majority thought was "normal".

Looks like, from the posts in response to this topic, I'm in the super minority perspective.....and look at things from a "big picture" POV rather than a myopically focused "here and now", "life is short" perspective.

Everyone has a right to their opinion, but the fact is You don't have a clue what someone is really like after only three dates.

I'm assuming based on the majority of responses that the physical act is devoid of any emotional aspects, because after three dates you're barely beyond acquaintances.

Let's see, three dates over a course of 3 weeks = a possibility of having slept with 17 people within the past year.

I know it's the extreme example...point being does the thought of someone having slept with even half that quantity of different people within the last year make them more or less attractive as they are standing in front of you ?

Not the mileage or morals I'm looking for.

And answer this.... If able to separate the physical from the emotional....WHEN do you attempt to connect the two ? Is there a formula for that too ? 3 dates = physical, + 3 more physical = 7th date some emotional elements ?

Just have always been curious.