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  1. #1
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    Default I guess there are no fourth chances, huh?

    Before I met the love of my life, there was only one other man that I can say I was truly in love with after my marriage ended. But I broke up with him due to a series of events that turned my life upside down and that I thought would cause us to break up eventually... although I can see now that we probably could have weathered these things. Ah, good old hindsight.

    Over the years, he popped back into my life exactly three times. And, of course, each time we had sex. I'll bet you can see where this is going, can't you?

    Each time we had one of these encounters, I would get all hopeful again that we could work things out and pick up where we left off. And each time, I would get hurt again because he wouldn't call or he would act vague and disappear. I would get all upset and say to myself, "Never again." Yeah, okay.

    The last time he contacted me was on a dating site. (Coincidentally, we were both on the same one.) We had some flirty banter, and then one day he sent me an email with the subject: "Your way tonight." He lives a fair distance away, so I knew the only reason he was going to be in my neck of the woods is because he was probably meeting someone from that same dating site. He also persisted with a series of emails telling me how much he was still attracted to me, like a "moth to a flame," he said. He added that he would always be there for me, that I would always hold a special place in his heart, and he always signed off with "xoxo."

    I almost waivered, but didn't give in. I succinctly replied honestly that I could never be a FWB with him and that I still had feelings for him which got stirred up each time we met. I never got a reply. (Helloooo, what part about that clear message didn't I understand?)

    Long story short, some time after my beloved died, don't ask me why, but I contacted this ex by email. I'll refer to him as "Flyboy" (he flies small planes). Flyboy had also lost someone very dear to him a few years earlier, so I knew he would understand how I felt. And if I'm honest with myself, maybe I was also trying to feel him out to see if perhaps he still had feelings for me. Losing someone to death makes people do crazy things... I was all mixed up emotionally. I was (and still am) very much grieving, but I was also afraid to be alone. I was lonely and scared, and for some reason, Flyboy represented emotional safety and security. Yeah, I know, I know ("How stupid IS this woman, anyway?")

    His response to my email offered the usual condolences and advice about allowing myself to grieve. After a few emails back and forth, he told me how he had survived the grieving process by taking a trip to Cuba where he met an "angel" who taught him that life was still worth living, a 20-something Russian girl, and he sent me pictures of him and her together. In case you were wondering, he was probably about 59 at the time. I was a bit shocked by the pictures because I really didn't need to see this gorgeous young girl with him. I mean, really?

    Sending me those pictures could only mean one thing, right? He was making a point of showing me that he was WAY over me. Now, this girl didn't become his Russian bride or anything, but it was a clear indication of what he could still attract at his age, I guess. Or maybe he meant for it to be taken as a sign of hope for me that life really can be enjoyed again despite this type of loss.

    Yet he also says that he gets down and lonely at times, so that makes me wonder whether or not he has anybody in his life at the moment. Further, a mutual friend of ours whom I haven't seen or heard from in years (but he is still very close to) contacted me on a business networking site the other day. And this guy is not active on that site at all. Is that just a coincidence, or did Flyboy mention me to him? Who knows?

    By becoming his FWB, I guess I wrecked any chance of him wanting a relationship with me. I'm thinking his respect for me went down a notch or two because I kept falling for it each time. Why should he want a relationship with someone he can call up and boink any time? Well, that will never happen again, but if I had a fourth chance to meet with him, and we did not have sex, I wonder if our relationship could pick up again. Or maybe it's just too late. Or maybe he's really just a jerk and I should forget about him completely.

    Your thoughts, aside from "What kind of a flake are you, sister?" would be much appreciated. Thanks!

    Karine

  2. #2
    Vienna's Avatar
    Vienna is offline Top Female Midlifebachelor.com Contributor & Goddess
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    Karine -

    Your not a flake. Give yourself a break. You have been through a lot of challenging times in the last couple of years. He knows what has happend in your life and is using that to pull at your emotions to get what he wants. He doesnt want you he wants your Vjayjay. Agree to meet up with him and then haul off and punch him square in the nose.

    From what you are describing he is an A-Hole.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vienna View Post
    Karine -

    Your not a flake. Give yourself a break. You have been through a lot of challenging times in the last couple of years. He knows what has happend in your life and is using that to pull at your emotions to get what he wants. He doesnt want you he wants your Vjayjay. Agree to meet up with him and then haul off and punch him square in the nose.

    From what you are describing he is an A-Hole.
    Thanks for the vote of confidence, Vienna! You kind reinforced what I was thinking. This guy has no respect for me, no way, no how. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me in the first place.

  4. #4
    workinprogress Guest

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    Stop all contact....who cares if he has respect for you ....I think in situations like this, we loose our own self respect. We want them to be something that they are not, and keep putting ourselves out there hoping they will do/act the way we have fantasized about it, and when they don't...we beat ourselves up.
    your even more vulnerable now to this. By continuing contact with him, your just boosting his ego.
    Just my nickels worth...

  5. #5
    Vienna's Avatar
    Vienna is offline Top Female Midlifebachelor.com Contributor & Goddess
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karine View Post
    Thanks for the vote of confidence, Vienna! You kind reinforced what I was thinking. This guy has no respect for me, no way, no how. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me in the first place.
    It doesnt matter if he loved you or not, that is just like worrying that a size 5 shoe doesnt fit your size 7 foot. He is just not the guy for you. Put the energy you are using worring about this guy into finding the right guy for you.

  6. #6
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    Vienna is offline Top Female Midlifebachelor.com Contributor & Goddess
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    Quote Originally Posted by workinprogress View Post
    Stop all contact....who cares if he has respect for you ....I think in situations like this, we loose our own self respect. We want them to be something that they are not, and keep putting ourselves out there hoping they will do/act the way we have fantasized about it, and when they don't...we beat ourselves up.
    your even more vulnerable now to this. By continuing contact with him, your just boosting his ego.
    Just my nickels worth...
    Well said!

  7. #7
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    Default Take it from a Man

    Quote Originally Posted by Vienna View Post
    Well said!


    karine- if you read my Saga- you can give them all the chances in the world. Nothing will change- The pysho keeps texting me and tells me she loves me- yeah right.

    Anyway I know it is hard, but stop all contact and find someone that can love and respcet you 100% of the time- someone like me.

    haha- Btw I plan on finsihing my Saga tonight

  8. #8
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    SamtheDog is offline Midlife Bachelor Hall of Famer & Resident Oracle
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    No comment...you wont like what I have to say anyway...
    SamTheDog

  9. #9
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    I think almost everyone has been in something like this. It just makes me sick that he knew the way you felt about him and he kept taking advantage of that. That just shows you what a ahole he really is. I'm happy that you aren't letting him get away with this anymore.

    @Jimsc- she texts you because you give her your number.

  10. #10
    Vienna's Avatar
    Vienna is offline Top Female Midlifebachelor.com Contributor & Goddess
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    Let's not forget that this guy is acting this way because she is letting him and she chooses to go back to him despite past experience. There is a lot of bad behavior and no victims.

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