Omg

[VeryConfused]

I just read the posts about the woman who had been married for 20 years and then found out her husband....or rather her husband found out he was gay. I have been married longer than that and started to see a change in my husband about 4-5 years ago. It was inconsistant and he seemed to be able to go back to being the same husband and father but over the last year or so-all of that has changed. He became very moody at home and at work, very arrogant and materialistic, where he once had a simple wardrobe he now has more clothes than I do. I believe he is also putting something in his hair to make it darker.

He told me on Valentine's Day this year that he was doing some "serious soul searching" and then in the spring it progressed to "I want out of our marriage, I am no longer in love with you nor am I attracted to you." Our sex life has been almost non-existant except when I would make the first move, and more often than not he could not perform, so I just stopped approaching him. He has changed into someone I do not know and we are in the process of a separation.

My attorney thinks he may be suddenly realizing he is gay and this has been very hard for him to come to grips with and of course denies being gay or having a girlfriend but something is going on. I found a credit card that I didn't know he had and in the last 2 weeks there are 3 hotel charges that were in a city closeby but he came home every night. About 2 years ago in the middle of the night the phone rang and a man told me he and my husband "had been hooking up" and of course I just thought it was a prank call....now I am beginning to wonder.

He has started to drink a lot more and spends most of his time at a small sports bar after work that is not too far from our home. I hired a P.I. and he visited this place recently when he saw my husband's vehicle parked there but he didn't go inside at first. He waited to see if my husband was going to come out and leave with anyone and when he didn't, the P.I. went inside but did not see him. He sat down and soon a man came over and sat next to him and all but hit on him. The P.I. left after one beer went back to his car for awhile but never left the parking lot. He went back inside again and found my husband inside sitting at the bar talking and laughing with the bartender. He said he never saw my husband come or go but he was nowhere to be seen the first time he went inside and the bartender was not there earlier either.

I feel like my husband is hiding something and because his behavior (especially the 3 hotel charges during the day recently) has become so odd I am more inclined to think he is gay and not seeing another woman....either way I just want to know.

[gregory]

From everything you are saying, it does sound like your husband has fallen out of love with you, and also most likely had a change in his sexual orientation. The key thing to recognize is - this is not your fault. There is nothing you could have ever done or not done that would cause him to change like that. Hell - I've had plenty of bad relationships in my day, and none of them could ever cause me to become attracted to a man - no!!! Yuck!!!

Anyway - my point is that what you should try to focus on is that your marriage is now a part of your past, and that you need to move on with your life. I know it is going to hard - as this sort of thing has got to be very emotionally damaging ... so I'd definitely suggest some counseling.

[VeryConfused]

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I was afraid no one was going to comment on my post and I very much need someone's input, especially from a person (s) that can be unbiased.

IF my husband has had a change in his sexual preference, I know it cannot be easy for him and I do not blame myself at all. Having said that, we have been married over 25 years and I cannot afford to let my sadness for him allow him to cheat me out of whatever my attorney decides I am entitled to. We have had one go at a rough draft settlement which my husband did not agree to and he came back with what my attorney said was a joke of an offer. I am almost 55 years old and am willing to make a new life for myself, but I am not willing to take what scraps he is currently trying to throw my way. I supported him through many career changes, worked full-time, and took care of our children all these years for this? I was also diagnosed last Nov. with a rare condition and may cause me to have to undergo brain surgery in the near future and our daughter is off to college next week, so my husband's timing could not be worse but he doesn't seem to care.

This has been without a doubt the most difficult time in my life...so far. I do not blame myself IF this is what has happened, but I do worry about our kids, especially our son who is 27 years old and works with my husband. He will truly be devastated by this and it will not come from me and if at all possible I will do what I can to hide this truth from him. He would not be able to handle it and it would hurt him deeply.

I hired a P.I. who believes my husband has "gone over to the other side" and he is trying to get proof for my attorney before we put together another separation agreement to give me leverage. The P.I. visited a place my husband was at recently, and sat close enough to him that he overheard his "very friendly conversation" with the bartender who seems to know an awful lot about our present situation.

I just need, want, and deserve to know the truth so I can go on with my life. Thank you again for your help and if there are any other signs I should be looking for, please let me know as it would be very helpful.

[VeryConfused]

I met with my P.I. yesterday and after our 2 hour conversation going over his documentation from the last few weeks, I/we firmly believe my husband is gay. We don't know if he has been repressing it all these years, if he just decided one day to 'experiment' and discovered it was what he preferred or what happened, but I am no longer confused about this. He is part of the group referred to as "keeping on the low down" which means pretending to live the life of a straight man half the time and hooking up with other men whenever the chance presents itself.

At first I thought it might be another woman but with the help of my P.I. and attorney, we have been able to put the pieces together from the last few years and see a man who has been trying to live two different lives and it stops here. I have nothing against gay or lesbians but I do have a HUGE problem when they don't have the guts to come out and tell the truth about the themselves if they are in a heterosexual marriage. Once they discover who they really are, it is much less painful to be honest, end the relationship and go your separate ways instead of sneaking around and making your family sick over wondering where you are and who you are with or if all of this is your imagination. It has become the ultimate game of deception and lies and my husband would continue to live like this forever if it were up to him.

My husband was once a loving, kind, generous, and honest man whom I loved and respected very much....not anymore. He has taken the attitude that he deserves to be happy at ALL costs and the saddest thing is that when his son who is grown finds out (he also works for him) and his daughter who is off to college next week.....they are the ones that will really suffer because they will realize that the father they used to have no longer exists. Our daughter already has an idea because she is still at home and has lived 'this' for the last 6 months. Our son who is very homophobic will not handle this well at all....not to mention he is getting married in November and the stress that will bring.

My husband owns a very successful business and his two business partners will also be mortified. Word travels fast and my husband had a very macho career for 25 years before this one so he is in for a very hard time but it was his decision.

My leverage when my attorney draws up our separation papers will be for him to treat me fairly and be able to retain his freedom to secretly live like he has been, but if he doesn't agree....the truth comes out. Freedom has a cost and after 28 years of marriage he is about to find out that he no longer calls the shots.

[SteveR]

It is hard to believe that stuff like this actually happens but apparently it does. I feel sorry for the children who will never see their dad in the same way again. And can you imagine what his business partners are going to think? Maybe he should retire and move to San Francisco or Palm Springs or something ...

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

[SteveInTN]

VC,

Since I've been thrust back into the dating world over the last year I have actually dated TWO women who experienced the same thing, and I met TWO more through them. Now put this in context... I live in the South. This is not uncommon now days. One consistent thread I've seen through this is that the guys were tormented internally by what they had become, or perhaps what they had always been. So sure, use your leverage to arrive at a good settlement in the divorce.... BUT... do not do anything to spoil the image that your children have of their father. Each of us only have one mother and father, and we should be allowed to hold them in high regard. If it comes out from somewhere else, that is of his on doing. However, it should not come from you. I imagine he will comply, but just keep that in mind.

Steve