Confused

**lawgirl** · 08-11-2010, 08:08 AM

Hi this is my first time posting. I have been married for 5 years and we have been together for 8 we have one daughter who is 6 and I have a son who is 19. My husband and I have had a very good marriage and a strong one so 3 weeks ago when my husband became someone I don't even know it stunned me. He told me that he loves me and cares alot about me but he does not feel the butterflies anymore. My husband has only been with one other women in his life and that was his ex-wife whom he had dated since he was 13 years old. They married in 1999 and my husband and I got together in 2002 as they were just spliting. He feels he has missed out on dating and living the single life. I am confused because just a couple of weeks ago he said he still found me sexy and pretty. Okay in the past 12 months I have lost my father, my sister had a nervous break down, my mother did not want to live anymore, and my other sister was going through a divorce. On top of that my son who is mentally handicap is more than a handful and I was trying to find him placement which has not been an easy task. I have still managed to help my husband coach my daughters T-Ball team go to my husbands softball games, take my daughter to cheer practices, school ect.... I guess I did not notice that my marriage was struggling. My husband at first wanted a divorce. He has lost some weight and I guess he had decided that the grass is greener on the other side. Me as the level headed one did some research and discoved that maybe he is going through a midlife transistion. I asked him to read it with an open mind and of course he agreed but the only reason he was going through it was because of me. HUMMMM okay so we have talked and talked and talked and he does not know what he wants. When I tell him that I will leave I get a different story. That lets just see how it goes. In the mean time he really don't have anything to do with me or say when we are together. I am loosing my mind over this. I am the type of person that you can only do or say so much and I will removed myself from the situation. I don't want this to happen becasuse if I leave it will be for good. My daughter deserves more than to be tossed back and fouth. I love my husband with all my heart. We have had a great marriage will this blow over? Should I think my marriage is over. I cry everytime I am in the shower and scream before he and my daughter get home just to release some of the pain he is causing me. I feel like I have lost so much in the past 12 months and have had to take care of everyone else. All I want is for my husband to get it together and stop this. Is it because he did not get all of my attention? Is this payback or do I take it that he is truly not happy with me anymore and he has been suffering? When do you let go?? I feel like I am the only one doing anything about this. I can not make him get help he should want to in order to keep our marriage in tact. Am I wrong.

Confused

**Bungalo** · 08-11-2010, 08:52 AM

I am so sorry for all the heartache you are going through. It doesn't seem fair that you should have to experience this level of loss all at once. I lost my g/f of 6 years, my best friend died, and I lost my job in relatively short order, so I know how it feels.

Would he be open to Couples Counseling? I think you need an objective third party here. If he shoots you down on this idea, well...there's your answer. It definitely sounds like a case of GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome). Take care of yourself. It will get better.

By the way, I hear this no butterflies anymore excuse alot, and I think it's frankly immaturity. The newness always wears off, it's when you hang in there and grow together that the real intimacy happens.

**gregory** · 08-11-2010, 06:29 PM

Hi lawgirl,

Welcome to the Midlife Forum - we are pleased to have you among our group ... and we are sorry to hear about the situation that brought you to us. Know that you are not alone. Many of us have either already gone through something somewhat similar - and a few of us are going through something extremely similar, or possibly worse.

From what you state, it sounds very much like your husband is going through a classic midlife crisis. As you said, he feels like he has missed something ... and whether that is true or not, you and your family are paying an emotional price for his state of mind right now. Here are a couple of quick pieces of advice:

Know that what is happening is because of him, not you. It does not sound to me like you did nothing wrong - and so you should not blame yourself. Sure - everyone can look back on their last relationship, and identify things they could or should have done better or different ... but sometimes relationships simply burn out, or wear out. I have discussed here and on midlifebachelor.com many times how relationships often have a "shelf life" ... there is always a beginning, a middle, and an end. And when an end occurs, it is tough - but part of the cycle of life. Not trying to get too philosophical on you

Anyway - on to more specific advice. Counseling (as Bungalow suggests) is a great step at this time. Definitely give that a shot first and immediately.

If you think a divorce is coming, then you should take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your half of the community assets. This means getting an attorney, and at least listening to what the attorney says you should do.

There is another thread here which you may want to check out:

Armyladee's Help Me Understand Him thread

Her situation is much more advanced than yours - but a lot of that same advice could wind up applying to you ... so at least check it out.

Regardless of anything - today is a difficult time for you ... but know that a better time for you lies ahead. The journey in between will definitely be an experience. We are here to support you.

**lawgirl** · 08-11-2010, 06:41 PM

Thank you for the reply. My husband is 34 and I am getting ready to turn 36 it is just so sad to me that he is going thru this. Because of the business I am in I have a attorney that gives me advise daily. I waited until I was 30 to get married to make sure that I married someone with the same values I am just sad his changed. Today I have just ignored his comments and have not feed into them but yesterday was a different story. I guess it will just come and go. I love him and will be here for him for as long as I can take it. I have to put myself and my daughter first at this point. It is hard but like you said it is a journey. Thank you

**lawgirl** · 08-11-2010, 06:47 PM

Hi Bungalo,
Thank you and I think you are right. My husband has said no to therpy. I have even offered him therpy from home on the computer with different programs they have online you can order. I will hang in for a while but I can not promise I will be here when he decides to come around if ever. I will keep up the happy face around our family and friends for now and I will just keep praying for answers and for him to grow up.

**A OK** · 08-11-2010, 07:10 PM

Lawgirl, I admire how well you have done separating the issues ( that used to be such a challenge for me). Right from your first post, I noticed you had prioritized your child, and observed your self setting boundaries for your OWN behaivor- WELL DONE- and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I do believe most professionals will tell you that if he refuses counseling that there is his answer...

I have lived having the family values thrown in my face, and unfortunately still do 3 years post-divorce due to ongoing pettiness- but it is MY life now. It is one day at a time for you right now- Trials and challenges ahead- but there is a bright future for you and your daughter. Sounds as if she has a fine example in her mother- Keep up the good work!

**lawgirl** · 08-12-2010, 06:15 AM

Thank you it is a challange and one way or the other I will win. He does not understand that just yet. Either we will come out of this stronger and together or I will come out of it all together. I have lived on my own raising my son by myself most of my life buy my husband has never been alone. HUMMM I seem to think there is a reason for that. He thinks he wants to be one way but for a person like him that way will not really make him happy. I hope he can find happiness someday but he first needs to grow up. Three years post divorce and you are doing well, I am happy to hear that. I am sure you are a very special person and someone will appreciate you for that. Do not settle and always have the up most respect for yourself because that will take you far. I look forwarded to speaking in the future.