Take off from the widow thread - Page 4

misunderstood · #31 02-05-2010, 04:40 AM

Shooter,

I just started reading a book I picked up a couple of months ago. It's called "Keys to successful stepfathering". I probably should have started it sooner but, you know, it's never too late. It covers a lot of the items you/we discuss here.

Please keep talking through this with us. You're not alone here with what you are going through and I'm glad to see that I'm not either.

I just had my own little situation this morning.

I decided to try getting up and going in to work a little later this week so I could have a cup of coffee with my GF on the couch. I don't think that the 16yo son liked it too much. Today he decided to miss the bus for the first time all year. I think he might be letting me know in his own way that he doesn't like this little change in the family routine. I could be wrong, but it's something that I need to be aware of. The least little change, no matter how trivial to you, could speak volumes to the stepchildren.

Shooter · #32 02-05-2010, 07:08 AM

Sounds like an interesting read, may check that out. I DO have some step-parenting experience. My first wife had a young daughter that I was stepfather to for about 5 years. My second wife had a young son who I was stepfather, actually the ONLY father, for from late grade school thru to me being the one that got him signed up for and moved into a Big 10 college. Then there’s my own son.

While I agree that there can be things that mean more to the kids, I also subscribe to the thought process that kids are part of our society, and in today’s society an inability to be able to manage and cope with change is a killer. Of course, it must be doled out cautiously, but change in ones’ routines is inevitable, and even kids must be able to adapt. I’ve known kids who were brought up their whole lives with parents who never did anything to upset their little worlds, and once they hit adulthood they had MAJOR problems. These kids have had some significant losses in their lives, so of course I’m sensitive to that, but in my very close observations of things, I’m seeing their fits and actions as ways to get their own way and upset their mom more than having true coping issues with their loss.

Caymus · #33 02-23-2010, 08:28 AM

It's been fantastic for me and I don't see it changing anytime soon. We are pretty much breaking all of the rules, if there ever was such a thing, but it has been better than I could've ever imagined. I would say I never actually believed in a Soulmate, but I'm beginning to wonder. I get along great with her son, her parents and am meeting her daughter this weekend. She gets along with my daughter and will meet my son shortly.

The true test comes up next month, when the first anniversary of her husbands passing comes up. They were together for years but only married for 8 months before he had a heart attack and passed away.

misunderstood · #34 02-23-2010, 09:17 AM

Interresting thing that this thread was refreshed today. I am really having issues with my situation lately. We keep stumbling over the children. More specifically, her 12yo boy. This kid is becoming increasingly rude and obnoxious and acting out to everyone. He seems to care nothing for anyone but himself. I think it is a cry for attention but it goes against everything I learned as a child and try to teach as an adult or parental figure. He resists just about everything that has to do with me. His mother is using the excuse that I haven't committed to her yet so why should she try to interveine. she also interperates my lack of "taking control" of the situation as a demonstration that I do not care and don't want the responsability.

Does anyone have any advice?

This kid has not had a father figure in his life for over 6 years and he needs one in the worst way. I care too much to walk away, but I don't know how to properly deal with it. He won't respond to me one-on-one and I can't seem to convince his mother to be a part of a solution.

Caymus · #35 02-23-2010, 11:22 AM

Misunderstood - I'm not sure what you can do, it seems like you're doing everything you can. I'm getting along extremely well with her son and I'm meeting her daughter, who's in college, this weekend. I've met her parent's, she's met mine, my kids like her. So everything is going extremely well.

I'm also lucky in a sense that her ex-inlaws don't like her anymore now that father, brother and son has passed on. They were extremely mean to her after he died.

But any suggestions on what to do or say on the anniversary of her husbands passing (the first one)? It's coming up in a couple of weeks, she hasn't mentioned anything yet, I didn't know the date until just recently and noticed that we had made plans for that day. Now I'm wondering if I should cancel them or is doing something going to let her take her mind off this sad time?

As a note, not sure if i mentioned it, but the kids are from a previous marriage.

Phillyboy · #36 02-23-2010, 06:38 PM

I agree…very interesting that this thread popped back up today. My gf and I have had a few issues of our own lately as well and I’ve been thinking quite a bit about a lot of these things. Both of you (Misunderstood and Caymus) are asking for input and while I am far from an expert, here is my attempt at offering some input for both of you, please just take it for what it is, just one empathetic man’s opinion as an outside observer…

Quote:

Originally Posted by misunderstood

We keep stumbling over the children. More specifically, her 12yo boy. This kid is becoming increasingly rude and obnoxious and acting out to everyone. He seems to care nothing for anyone but himself. I think it is a cry for attention but it goes against everything I learned as a child and try to teach as an adult or parental figure. He resists just about everything that has to do with me. His mother is using the excuse that I haven't committed to her yet so why should she try to interveine. she also interperates my lack of "taking control" of the situation as a demonstration that I do not care and don't want the responsability.

Does anyone have any advice?

My “advice” here is that you have a serious conversation with your gf about her expectations for you as the primary adult male and potential step-father to her son. I can definitely appreciate the awkwardness this situation creates for you. You’re probably willing to be a responsible man and help her with parenting, but you feel like you need her “permission” to take on that role and I’m guessing she hasn’t clearly laid that out for you and therefore you’re trying to do the right thing by not stepping on her toes and harping on her son and risk offending his mother…your girlfriend. This leaves her feeling like a one-woman show with you just watching her get “beat up” by her son. The thing with kids at that age is that they’re all rude and obnoxious…it’s tough enough when it’s your own kid, but at least then you get to set your own boundaries. When it’s someone else’s kid, they have to set those boundaries and you need to ask her to do that for you so that you can support her as a mother in a manner that she agrees with.

Secondly, and much more difficult, is do the best you can to develop a relationship of mutual respect with her son. This will take a lot of time and even more patience because he is not mature enough to appreciate this yet. I have found that an effective way to do this is to create some subtle one-on-one situations. Perhaps something as simple as picking up from a friend’ house or school activity is a good starting point. This comes across as a favor you’re doing to help his mom and doesn’t have the pressure of scheduling an activity together so the two of you can bond. During that brief ride home, ask him about the friends or activity he was just doing…things like who was there and what was “cool” about it. Kids at this age love to talk about how cool they are to anyone who will listen. This will give you a chance to know the names of his different friends, which will help in similar situations in the future.

That’s about all I have on this for now…I hope it makes sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caymus

But any suggestions on what to do or say on the anniversary of her husbands passing (the first one)? It's coming up in a couple of weeks, she hasn't mentioned anything yet, I didn't know the date until just recently and noticed that we had made plans for that day. Now I'm wondering if I should cancel them or is doing something going to let her take her mind off this sad time?

As a note, not sure if I mentioned it, but the kids are from a previous marriage.

I’m approaching a similar circumstance myself…it’s about two months away and will be the second anniversary. I have had the good fortune of experiencing some important events with her already (Christmas, birthday, Valentines Day, etc.) so I am somewhat familiar with how to handle these things and have become more comfortable with her emotions on these occasions. One thing I found to be very helpful was using my gf’s husband’s name as often as I could. It seems a little silly to say it now, but at the time, I had a hard time getting used to his presence and one way to become more comfortable with it was to simply talk to her about him and use his name. This gave me an opportunity to become more comfortable with her memory of him so that every time the topic comes up it’s not so awkward. Regarding the anniversary of his death…my plan is to ask her for her lead on this. If she asks me to go along for a visit to his grave site, I will be glad to do that, if she would rather have the day to herself or with her kids, I will respect that as well. The thing I want to be sure to avoid is adding any stress on what is already a very stressful situation for her.

Caymus · #37 02-24-2010, 05:08 AM

Quote:

One thing I found to be very helpful was using my gf’s husband’s name as often as I could. It seems a little silly to say it now, but at the time, I had a hard time getting used to his presence and one way to become more comfortable with it was to simply talk to her about him and use his name. This gave me an opportunity to become more comfortable with her memory of him so that every time the topic comes up it’s not so awkward. Regarding the anniversary of his death…my plan is to ask her for her lead on this. If she asks me to go along for a visit to his grave site, I will be glad to do that, if she would rather have the day to herself or with her kids, I will respect that as well. The thing I want to be sure to avoid is adding any stress on what is already a very stressful situation for her.

Yeah, I've definitely talked about him and use his name and I too don't try and do anything that will add to her stress. I know that when we first started dating she went to his gravesite and it wasn't long after that she took her rings off. And then pictures started coming down little by little, there are a couple still up. She still has some things in the closet that are his (she's gotten rid of most of it), as well as in his dresser. I just don't push it, I pretty much live there with her now and everything is great.

She hasn't brought it up, so I haven't said anything, I'm kind of feel the same way, if she wants me to go to the gravesite I'll go, if she wants family time, that's fine too (as of right now she's not planning anything as far as I know). I lost my younger brother (35) and sister (28) to illnesses over the last several years, so I actually know how she feels, maybe even more so.

Caymus · #38 03-05-2010, 04:12 AM

Well last night was the first time that the new gf cried about the upcoming anniversary (March 6th) of her husbands passing. I guess she held it in all week, as everyone has been calling her and sending her notes and bringing up all of the feelings over the past years. It was also the first time she talked, a very little, to me about her feelings. She said she loved me but still really misses him. I'm not sure what to think, I thought I could handle it pretty well, but her crying in my arms and telling me she missed her husband was a little akward.

She's going over to the gravesite tomorrow morning and I told her I would go with her if she didn't want to go alone. Her son is with his father and her daughter has to work after school today in Norfolk and won't be up until tomorrow night. She didn't say no or yes just thanked me for offering.

All of a sudden it just doesn't feel the same, maybe I'm making too much out of it. Confused where I wasn't before. We have tonight alone, no kids or friends hanging around, maybe it will make more sense tonight.

Any thoughts or advice from those here?

Shooter · #39 03-23-2010, 10:37 AM

Well, she basically broke things off with me last night. I say "basically" because I don't know that we are completely done at this writing, but we're definitely on life support. She and I, as a couple, get along great and really enjoy each other's company. But when you mix in the kids, relatives, and friends, then it's an entirely different ballgame. The oldest daughter, while acting a bit better with me of late, has still continued to be a handful. The younger daughter has been coming around nicely in my presence, and my poor son... he is just in love with this woman and her girls. I haven't said anything to him about this as yet, but he will be absolutely destroyed.

It has been a rather strange situation the last couple of months. While this woman is known as being super sweet, always ready to help out, always a smile on her face - grin and bear it attitude. Except when it came to this relationship. She has shown an extremely intolerant side to the various unique things about my relationship with my son. My son just turned 8 last week, but I still have a couple baby monitors in the house going. Why? My house is a 2-story with a basement, and my son has a really not loud voice. I've got a big mouth when I want, and can be heard all over the house. So these receivers down on the lower levels of the house from his room are a type of poor man's intercom service - simple as that. They're no biggie, could live without them, but they do serve a bit of a purpose of convenience. To her it was "OMG, but they're BABY monitors! WHY do you STILL have them?!" So I'm like, fine, no worries, if we're gonna be married eventually I will assure you that no monitors will follow me to our house. She was also up in arms that my son STILL didn't take care of all of his own dishes. I explained that with me working full time and our rushed mornings and such, I didn't get a lot of time to really apply towards enforcing that expectation, but assured her that over time he would definitely be expected to tend to these chores. So, a couple of months has passed and she throws at me last night that these things STILL exist, they hadn't changed at all!!! And I'm like, well, I didn't know I was on a timetable here, that I had a performance evaluation pending and expected results. I mean, c'mon, where's the flexibility, where's the patience? Oh, by the by, my son has been determined to be on the PDD scale, which means he has some level of autism. Though he is high functioning, there are still things I've been telling him for years to do or not do that still haven't sunk in yet. It's part of him and you have to realize that. But I guess she doesn't want to allow for variances in the mental picture she has.

Also, she was virtually seething when my ex (my son's mother who has several physical and mental disorders now) called and said she wasn't doing well and couldn't take him for her weekend. I said no prob, I love getting bonus time with my son. We had plans to go do something that weekend, and I said we'll just take him with us. She smiled through the whole thing, but I could tell it was bugging the crap out of her that he was there on HER weekend. I would never have done this if one of her daughters had to accompany us, I would have done the same thing... bring her along, here we go! It's weird to see so much selfishness out of a person who is supposed to be such a goody good, sweet girl. She has said she wants a just "US" here, but how the hell do you really achieve that when there are 3 kids involved and we're 2 hours away from each other? I have bent over backwards on multiple other things she's asked of me, getting previous marriage annulled, considering moving her direction when the original agreement was that she would move to me, clearing out and setting up areas in the house for her girls to hang out, and many other things. But she is so worried about how her former inlaws feel, and her friends and so on.... ugh, I'm not even going to get started on that.

The fact remains that she, outside of this odd selfish person who has popped up recently, is still a very stable, nice, caring, giving, and reliable person. She has shown me much love and I love her dearly, she just needs to lighten up a bit, loosen up a bit. I am completely heartbroken at the thought of losing her and don't know what I'm going to do. If this stands as is, this will be two very good relationships I've had in the past 2 years that have gone by the wayside for really unusual and quirky reasons. It is taking a huge toll on me and I'm not sure that I wanna try again. My son really wants a good mom and maybe even some siblings, but I may not be able to deliver for him on that mark like I hoped. Ok, done with this book now. I have not been able to talk about this today without tearing up here at work, so I punched it all out here during my lunch break. A place to vent I suppose. Please have good thoughts that we will be able to work something out. Take care.

kjmudd · #40 03-23-2010, 11:23 AM

Wow Shooter I am sorry to hear that. Hope things turn around. I can find myself getting very attached to certain women and when it breaks up it certainly sucks.

That is not right that she was intolerant of things concerning your children....really she should not be questioning your parenting at all so maybe thats a major red flag that would have caused huge problems down the road?

Well good luck Shooter. It will get better!

KJM