Should My Friend Leave His Cheating Wife? (internet affair)

[kjmudd]

A very close friend of mine is heartbroken after finding out his 40 year old wife was having an "internet affair" with some 20 something year old who lives in a different state for a couple of years.

They have one child. He has tried to reconcile but she is giving him the typical cheating bbitch cold shoulder.....ignoring him, won't discuss, treating him like dirt...I'm sure many midlife bachelors here know the drill.

She is a good mom and hard worker. My advice is to move out or move her out, file for divorce and do everything in his power to ensure minimum damage to his son.

They have been married for at least 15 years. Sucks. He is really broken up about it and blaming himself etc.

I have offered to let him stay with me if he needs to move out.

KJM

[gregory]

Originally Posted by kjmudd

A very close friend of mine is heartbroken after finding out his 40 year old wife was having an "internet affair" with some 20 something year old who lives in a different state for a couple of years.

They have one child. He has tried to reconcile but she is giving him the typical cheating bbitch cold shoulder.....ignoring him, won't discuss, treating him like dirt...I'm sure many midlife bachelors here know the drill.

She is a good mom and hard worker. My advice is to move out or move her out, file for divorce and do everything in his power to ensure minimum damage to his son.

They have been married for at least 15 years. Sucks. He is really broken up about it and blaming himself etc.

I have offered to let him stay with me if he needs to move out.

KJM

When you say "internet affair" - do you mean an actual, physical affair? Or do you mean just talking dirty to one another over email or chat?

[kjmudd]

Originally Posted by gregory

When you say "internet affair" - do you mean an actual, physical affair? Or do you mean just talking dirty to one another over email or chat?

As far as I know it is talking dirty and becoming very close and intimate. The "cheating" wife told my friend she hasn't "loved" him in two years. That is how long she has been chatting or whatever with the internet guy in a different state.

KJM

[Phillyboy]

My situation was somewhat similar…my ex wasn’t having an internet affair, but an emotional affair with a man she worked with (don’t know if there was any physical affair or not, but it really doesn’t matter)…she told me the same kind of things (I haven’t loved you for a while, etc.) I spent a lot of time feeling partially responsible, but in hind-site realize that I did everything right (well…most things) as a husband and father and that she simply wasn’t capable of the kind of commitment I thought she was.

I spent about a year waiting for her to decide to move out and file for divorce. I wanted her to be the one to make the move so it is clear who’s actions and decisions led to our divorce. The main purpose in this for me was so that as my daughter grows up, she will know who “threw in the towel” and always remain secure that no matter, I am a man who is willing to live up to my commitments a be there for my family for as long as I live.

I’m necessarily saying that this is the right solution for your friend, but I do think it is worth his while if he can get her to be the one to make the first move and leave the house and ask for a divorce. He can continue to reinforce his commitment to the marriage and a willingness to solve the problem and forgive her (even if it isn’t exactly sincere)…eventually she will have to be the one to go. (Obviously if it goes on for too long and life becomes miserable for him, he may have to adjust his strategy, but at least for now, I recommend he hangs in there and allows her to be the one to end the marriage…it’s her burden, not his.)

[kjmudd]

That's good advice Phillyboy. I got news today that his wife says she wants to "work things out." I am sure it is bs but maybe will end in the outcome you described. For them and the kid I hope they can work things out but I am not real optimistic.

KJM

[gregory]

Is talking dirty to someone over the internet really such an extreme violation of trust? Is it in the same league as having a physical affair? Hmmm - this is an excellent topic, and I'm going to start a new thread dedicated ONLY to that topic ... in one second ...

Maybe your friend believes it is because in his case, it is coupled with his wife treating him poorly AND because she said she doesn't love him anymore (even though now she wants to work things out). Hmmmm.

[kjmudd]

Originally Posted by gregory

Is talking dirty to someone over the internet really such an extreme violation of trust? Is it in the same league as having a physical affair? Hmmm - this is an excellent topic, and I'm going to start a new thread dedicated ONLY to that topic ... in one second ...

Maybe your friend believes it is because in his case, it is coupled with his wife treating him poorly AND because she said she doesn't love him anymore (even though now she wants to work things out). Hmmmm.

In the case of my friend's wife my gut tells me it is a stall on her part because she knows she can "play" him. She has been emotionally involved with the guy in a different state for a couple of years now. She lives in a really nice new house with my friend and they are financially successful. He packed all of his bags and forced her to at least address the situation.

As far as I am concerned the only reason she didn't get involved physically with the guy is because he lives far away. My friend told me she has not been interested in sex in a long time.

KJM

[kjmudd]

Well my friend had enough of the dishonest wife's bs and bolted from the house today. He is going to leave the state for a little while and stay with his old friend from high school to get his head on straight.

He said he tried to talk with the cheating bbitch wife but she wouldn't stop crying or discuss anything. What a crock of bs.

KJM

[Shooter]

wow...mistakes.

I spent a couple years researching what to do or not do when it came to my wife and I splitting. I knew it was going to happen. Her psych problems were way to bad to see us staying together. And I had to do whatever possible to keep my son with me. The courts have way too long been weighed in the favor of women/moms. Guys have to be smart ahead of time to maintain at least close to an even playing field when it comes to divorce. In this case, your friend, if he is interested at all in maintaining a good amount of time with his child in the future, needs to be doing a few things.

First, he should not have left. It is at least likely he will return to all of his stuff sitting out on the driveway and the locks on the house changed. His wife could beat herself in the face bloody, and call the cops as soon as he returned home and claim abuse. The cops WILL believe her, and at the very least, will make him leave the premises. During this time, she will maintain custody of their child and she will establish herself as THE responsible parent. He should instead, stay home and begin gathering documentation. If he can find evidence on his computer or anywhere else in the house, he needs to gather it up and hide it OUTSIDE the house. This is so if he does end up getting kicked out, all his evidence is not locked up in the house he's out of.

Secondly, he should establish himself as level-headed and not let himself be a pawn of his emotions. He should be very careful of his confrontations with his wife, and be sure to keep his child out of the middle of them. He should start becoming a larger part of his child's life as much as possible. Start preparing the child meals, changing them if they're young, getting involved in school stuff if they're older. Start being the part of super dad.

Third, this business of "waiting" for her to file is BS. No one in the world is going to look at you and say, "hey, you were a heck of a guy sticking it out and making her file". By letting her file first, she is the aggressor and gets to outline how things are going to be in her first volley at you. If you know it's going to end up in divorce, YOU (the guy), get your iron balls on, figure out how YOU want things to be with your child, and YOU file first and take her off guard. Do NOT just bend over and take it up the backside. If being with your child is important to you, you file and see to it that you get at least 50% time. Hell, if you can swing it, file for full custody. The point here is that if you wait, no one in the courts is going to look at you as being a victim and feel sorry for you. It's just not going to happen. Think of YOUR future and your child's future with you and how you want it to be, and take steps to make it happen.

[kjmudd]

Shooter I agree with everything you said except I don't think his wife is crazy. There is really very little risk of crazy behavior on part of the wife. She got caught and is distraught over the consequences of her stupid actions.

I tried to talk him out of leaving but he is in a state of shock and I could not get through to him.

He has always been super dad and his kid is a pre-teen. The mom has always been a super mom too....even though she has shown herself to be a dishonest, stupid, cheating bbitch when it comes to their marriage. Hope I don't see her because that is what I would call her to her face.

The situation sucks.

KJM