Does Talking Dirty via the Internet Constitute Cheating?

[gregory]

Does talking dirty to someone (other than your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend) really constitute cheating? I have to wonder. I mean - would that not be in the same category as downloading pporn? And downloading/viewing pporn is not cheating, right?

Maybe the answer depends upon the circumstance. In the other discussion thread here that got me thinking about this:

Should My Friend Leave His Cheating Wife (Internet Affair)

The guy's wife treats him really poorly, and stated that she hasn't loved him for the past two years ... which coincides with how long she's been talking nasty over the internet with some guy. In that case, the wife has not apparently acted on what she's been talking about with this stranger - it has been more of a mental affair. But the husband is still ready to give her the boot.

Now here's something interesting. I'd be ppissed off as all hell if I found out my girlfriend was talking nasty to some guy over the internet. Would I give her the boot? You know - I honestly don't know ... I'd have to look at the overall landscape ... the situation. I would NOT be happy - that's for sure.

And just for kicks - let me admit that at times, some of my female friends talk extremely nasty to me (in person, on the phone, via the internet) ... but I never act on anything like that. I view it more like entertainment. Does that make me a bad person, or someone who is not to be trusted? I've never thought so - as I do not cheat on my girlfriend at all. But I suppose if it were my girlfriend doing that, I'd be really ppissed off. I am a purveyor of double standards, it seems. Hmmmm - I'll have to think more about this.

What do YOU think? Is talking dirty over the internet cheating in your book? Under what circumstances? Under ALL circumstances? And what are your thoughts about pporn - is that cheating, too?

[kjmudd]

Greg when your female friends talk dirty to you do you engage them? Like tell them things you would like to do to them/with them etc? Or is it more like joking?

I have a difficult time focusing on more than one woman at a time sexually. I have tried and I can't pull it off even though I KNOW I have a very high sex drive. I am in a position right now where I have opportunities to get it on with two girls who I am really attracted to but moral feelings keep creeping in dammit!

So to answer your question I think it really depends on where the individual is in their CURRENT monogamous relationship.

For example in my friend's case the wife had basically shut him off and opened up to the internet guy...who I am sure tells her everything that she wants to hear. So I think in the context of that relationship it is cheating.

The wife is emotionally disconnected from my friend and the only thing preventing her from getting banged by this guy is 1000 + miles and the fact that the guy is a penniless loser living with his maw. I'd leave her or kick her aass out in a heartbeat!

Regarding pporn: I look at pporn but have some problems with it...and not just that there isn't enough good pporn out there haha. I have problems with pporn because I know most of the participants are in dire straights emotionally and doomed to have horrible relationships forever. I know there are exceptions and it is voluntary and they get paid big bucks for knocking it out... but that is the reality of ppporrn. At least that is how I feel....or maybe it is just indigestion haha.

As salve for my moral dilemma regarding pporn I try to enjoy erotic literature more than pporn videos....although most of the writing is horrid! Occasionally there is something good which can help give me good ideas in bed.

I would think most GFs and wives would be really ppissed if they found out their guys looked at pporn. I didn't tell my ex-wife because I know she would have called for an exorcism. As soon as I get sexual in any relationship I tell my girl that I look at it just to get it out in the open.

KJM

[Phillyboy]

This is a good question…I don’t think it’s so much the engagement of talking dirty that does or doesn’t make it cheating, but more so the level of relationship that forms. In other words some innocent flirting between men and women, whether via online or otherwise, can be ok as long as it doesn’t evolve into any levels of intimacy (even if not physical). For example, if you have a female friend that says something like, “Well…if we were both single you know what I’d do to you.” But it’s more or less considered a joke (even if there’s some truth to it), I say no harm…but if you start asking for more details and she starts sharing…to the extent that both of you are fantasizing about each other, you could start crossing a line.

Likewise, even if the talk is non-sexual…you’re simply engaging in serious intimate conversations and building a relationship that you’re keeping secret from your gf/bf or spouse, you’re also getting into that same gray area.

To me, what it really comes down to is that it doesn’t really matter what medium you’re using (internet, phone, in person, etc.) nor does it matter much the nature of the dialogue (sexual, emotional, etc.)…what’s most important is that if someone is in a committed relationship and engaging in outside relationships that they’re keeping secret from their gf/bf or spouse, then they are probably not respecting the relationship with the gf/bf or spouse and therefore, in some way, are committing some level of infidelity even though it may not be considered cheating, in the traditional sense (I suppose the reverse could also be true in that if you have sex with someone and your gf/bf or spouse is perfectly ok with it, then you are not cheating…I for one, have never been a big fan of “open relationships” and they don’t seem to work out in the long run, but some people think it can work.)

[misunderstood]

OK, to get it right out there, I am going to say for the record that i feel that any wandering off the straight path is to be considered cheating. Now comes the harder part of explaining why I have come to that conclusion. It can be a complex idea to follow. At least it is for me, which is why I chose to draw the line clear and high.

I see that there are two ways to cheat, emotionally and physically. Both are cheating in my book.

First I will try to describe physical. Many people feel that if you are not having sex with another human being, it isn't cheating. I see it as you are simply using another "tool". This may seem a little superficial or cold but if you want to break it down to the basics the true goal is to achieve orgasm or physical satisfaction. Whether you use your hand, or a device or another person, the goal is the same. If you are looking at a picture, reading a book or watching a movie, it is all about stimulation for the same goal. The botom line is, if you choose to use any method other than the person to whom you have committed, the person with whom you have or plan to share intimate thoughts with, you are cheating. You have chosen to use another tool other than what that person has to provide or contribute to your satisfaction. To make it more complex, try using pictures of your partner or have your partner talk to you over the phone or even write to each other over the net in different rooms.

I may have inadvertantly tied the emotional cheating in with the physical but I will try to explain a little more clearly as this can be more complex. I don't want to say that you should be thinking about your partner at all times and if you can't then you are cheating. From an emotional level, your partner should be your "source". I just so happen to be the type of person who has a difficult time hiding emotion and or feelings. My partner can tell almost instantly whenever my mind may stray during physical intimacy. She can feel that we are not together emotionally even though we are physically. I see this as emotional cheating. It may not be intentional, but my partner knows and she communicates that it hurts. Since I have no dillusions of grandure or uniqueness about me, I would venture to guess that my relationship is not unique in this world and we all have had partners the can sense when we are "elsewhere".

One thing I fear, is that I may have perfected this ability to disconnect throughout my years as a bachelor and loving the ability to be with someone for just the sex. I now find myself having to learn or choose to be able to focus on the partner in front of me or my bachlelorhood just may continue.

Like KJM, I tried to balance/juggle more than one woman and just couldn't make it happen. Physically, it is easy. My body had the stamina and drive. Emotionally, my mind could not keep up. That is where the true energy is consumed.

Looking back and reviewing this, I am not sure if I made a clear point, but I still believe that if you have to ask yourself if what you are doing is considered cheating, then you probably are cheating.

Maybe the real question should be: What level of cheating are you prepaired to live with?

Here is another question to ask and see if there are any parallels with the discussion. What do you consider to be sexual harrasment in the workplace? (I kind of got that from reviewing Phillyboy's reply)

[Caymus]

misunderstood - I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, but let's say you're spouse (or significant other) is unwilling to contribute to you staisfaction? My ex would get so mad at me that she would go months (9 months was the record) without letting me touch her, hence why I finally got divorced.

[misunderstood]

I think that may have been a self answering question. If you are both going 9 months without intimacy, then you can be pretty safe to say that the relationship is over and any cheating at this point, even though it is cheating, really has no bearing on the situation. Hence the divorce.

To willingly withold intimacy from a relationship, in my mind, is one of the most hurtful things you can do to a partner.

[Caymus]

To willingly withold intimacy from a relationship, in my mind, is one of the most hurtful things you can do to a partner.

AMEN to that!

[misunderstood]

There is of course two sides to every story and I neglected to give this much thought at first.

Caymus, you mentioned, "My ex would get so mad at me that she would go months (9 months was the record) without letting me touch her"

Now, I don't know you or your situation, but that is a long time to hold anger. 9 months, in my book, is a severe breakdown in communication. Did you and your (now) Ex try to discuss and resolve the causes of the conflict with any amount of success? My GF and I have our differences from time to time and we get angry and don't want to be around each other, but we do talk through this within a reasonable amount of time.

I'm sure there might be some readers that are asking themselves... what did he do to get her so mad?

[Caymus]

Definitely a severe breakdown in communication, probably the biggest part of our marriage going bad, she's for yelling and screaming and I'm for trying to make everything smooth (they don't go well together, especially with kids/money/jobs).

Yes two sides to everything that is for sure. It is definitely as much my fault for the communication problem as hers, when we did talk it was always about raising the kids, she felt I was way too leninet and I always felt she was way over the top and we could never reach a middle ground, so there was tension every day. So she would get so mad that she felt I always took the kids side all the time and that I didn't respect her authority. Went on for years, finally we both had enough. I could probably write a disertation on how and why not to get married.

Everyone is much happier now.