my sneakie husband

[grandmalee]

what is your thought on this one. As I have previously said I believe that my husband has cheated. Well the other day I walked in as he was trying to clear off two web sights he had visited. The first was oeal the second was oral sex and transmitted desease. Needless to say I was furious. I kept asking why he would be interested in the the transmitted desease if he had not done something he shouldn't have. I let him know straight up that if he gets anything of that nature it will prove my suspissions to be correct and our 37 yr marriage will be over. He became extremely upset crying and cswearing to me that he was just curious and didn't know why he did it. Oh I might add that he errased it from search history and the cookies. But this was after I caught him trying to erase history. I now realize that he knows how to clear his histor and cookies. He hasn't really known that much about pcs as we just got one 1 yr ago. I guess the laugh is on me. What do you think about this. To be honest I am ready to walk away from it all. thanks for your input.

[gregory]

Hi grandmalee,

Honestly, my take is that you should not be overly concerned with this. All the guy is doing is exploring things on the web. I'm guessing you all are in your 70s ... and the internet is a whole new world to explore. You are obviously old-fashioned, and I completely respect that ... but at the same time, I would not end a 37-year marriage because he is looking at pporn or STD-related websites. If he is getting a few jollies, then what really is the harm? It's just a video!

I know that some women equate viewing adult sites with cheating - but I honestly think that is not fair. That's my opinion anyway.

In your other thread back in October, what I mentioned to you still applies:

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Give the man some credit - he has stopped drinking, and that is huge. Be thankful for that. And if the worst thing he does is watch adult movies, then that really is not so bad. [Some women equate watching adult movies with cheating - but I really think that is silly.] And he is taking male enhancement pills to make YOU happy - I think you should celebrate the effort he makes here.

...

Sometimes it is easy to become paranoid, and fear the worst - but if you take a step or two back, and look at the bigger picture then you might decide that things really are not so bad. I can tell you that with any major decision (regarding a relationship, a job, buying a home, etc. etc. etc.) I always take a step back for a period of time, and try to look at things from a big picture standpoint ... just to ensure that I'm not about to do something based on emotion or impulse.
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So my advice to you here and now is the same as what I said above back in October. Just relax - I don't think this situation in itself is a reason to worry. Good luck - and I am definitely glad that you seek out our opinions here!

[misunderstood]

There is a quick answer here that you should consider.

Whether he cheated or not, you don't trust the man. Is there any amount of proof that will cause you to feel any differently at this point? If he does manage to redeem himself and truely gain your trust back, is he ever going to know for sure that you indeed do trust him to the point where he can relax and be himself? Let's say that he isn't cheating. You need to take ownership for whatever behavior of yours in the past that causes him to be so self conscious that he feels that he may have to cover his tracks for simply doing a little research on the internet that might involve std's?

Confidence and trust are two incredibly powerful components in a relationship. They can almost be considered building blocks to the foundation. Remove them and you have a house of cards. The two of you really need to talk this out without anger or accusations. 37 years better account for something, otherwise I might think you are just looking for an "out".

[Luce]

GrandmaLee

You really want to throw away 37 years of marriage because he looked at websites and you SUSPECT he cheated on you?

You want to throw away all the happy memories of your years together?

I think you act way too hastily. Even if he did look at those websites; so what? Does it make him a different person from the one you married 37 years ago? NO, it does not.

He is getting on in years and the internet provides a lot of interesting new information that was not available years go. Let him be, let him watch adult and oral sex or whatever he wants.

You are treating him like a child and if he is in a jail. I really think you should cut him some slack. I feel quite sorry for him, to tell the truth. He is not a child and to be treated as such show you really do not respect him at all.

There is nothing wrong with him watching some saucy websites. Research has shown that just about ALL MEN and almost as many women do it as well.

To tell the honest truth: I think you are the sneaky one for spying on him.

[grandmalee]

he is 61 and I am 59. He has in the past caused me to distrust him. Some times I to wonder if this the case with me. Maybe deep down I do want out. He says he can't give me the emotional connection that I so desperatly need. Nor has he ever been able to. His answer to me is you knew how I was when we got married and nothing has changed. He buys me anything I want. But the one and ony thing I want he wont give me. It didn't bother me back ehen because I was so busy with the kids I just accepted it. But now it bothers me a great deal. We have a 37 yr old slightly disabled son whom he sometimes resents because he has to live with us. He says he wishes it could be just him and I. I resent him for his feelings towards our son. as i told him our son can't help being like he is. If anything him and our other two children should learn from him. He is loving, caring, and compashionate. I am very protective over him. My feelings for my husband are changing because of his disconect to our son also. No I wonder will I ever get over what he has done to me in the past and trust him again? I keep praying to God to reveal to me if he is cheating. So far no answer. Do you think I am being unfair and askinf to much from him ? Maybe I am . Or maybe I am going through these feelings because I am getting older and I don't want to and am running scared. I really want to thank you all for your honest opions. It really is helping me.

[Luce]

You know what, Grandmalee?

I think both you and your husband could just as well be locked up in a jail cell. I do not blame him for one second for looking at racy websites. Why are you so OBSESSED with the idea of him cheating? If he has not cheated yet, your actions are going to cause him to cheat.

Yes, I think you are unfair. I think you treat your husband (who, by your own account has been good to you and your son), the same way you treat your son.

It would be a good thing if your son could go to a place where he could communicate with people like him, and it will be good for you and your husband to have a break from looking after him. Is it at all a possibility? Maybe a weekend or a day or two per week?

Forget that God will ever answer your prayer, he never has and never will.

What is going to happen with you and your son if you leave your husband? It will be the two of you only and you will even have less of a life than you have now.

Edited to add:

If you son is only "slightly disabled" why is he living with you at home?