People typically write in to "ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR" with short questions that I address here and on the dedicated ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR PAGE 

RECENTLY POPULAR QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ...
Mr. Never Married at Midlife
The 30's Life Crisis
Dumped - Sudden Change Syndrome
Dump the Date You Never See
Husband's Affair w/20 Yr Old OK with Wife
The "Friends with Benefits" Landmine
No Second Date
Break Out of the JUST FRIENDS Rut
Don't Lie to an Online Date
The TOO LITTLE TIME Breakup
Is He Just Not that Into Me?
Woman's Sexual Appetite Outpaces Boyfriend
Younger Woman Emails Nasty Photo
Best Way to Dump a Nice Girl?
Sexual Protection at Midlife?
Wife has Occasional Secret Life
How Soon to Call a Woman after 1st Date?
Midlife Love Triangle
Many Women Have a Sense of Entitlement
How to Get Cheating Husband Back from Midlife Crisis Affair?
Cheating Wife Now Destroying Man's Credit
Should Man Divorce Cheating Wife

More ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR Q&As (index)

MR. NEVER MARRIED AT MIDLIFE
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: What's a midlife bachelorette supposed to think? I am 39, my boyfriend of one year is 48. He is never married, no kids. I am divorced (2 years) after a 10 year marriage, 2 kids. 50% custody (I left). We both work in a science realm ... and we met at work.

I don't SEEM to fit into any of your categories (The 14 Types of Women) except maybe the Jackpot for certain guys. Guys who are attracted to me are really attracted to me. Guys who aren't (usually the very “guy's guy” type) just aren't and I don't even go there. I'm not Jealous, or High Maintenance, or Psycho, or Dull, or a Caterer, or a Party Girl or really any of them. I'm an athletic, nice, (cute) young looking, late 30 something who knows I’m a catch, but is very approachable and easy to talk to. I love men, and men love me. Life is fun for me!! I don't "like to talk about the relationship" - it all just seems to work or it doesn't ... why crush it to death with “where is this going”? Or “Do we have a future?”.....ugh!! Men hate that stuff and so do I.

So I'm seeing this great guy for a year. He had a 7 month relationship end a few weeks (I think) before we met. "She was really needy" is what he said when I asked about why it ended plus they lived several hundred miles apart. The girl before that was an attorney - it lasted a couple/few months, "you have to date for a few months before you know if it's going to work out" he said about her (I didn't ask). The one before that was about a year: "she was a bad girlfriend" he said (I don't think that I asked-it just came out in a conversation). He has bad feelings about her, that is clear. I know he had SOME longish-term relationships, but I get the idea that most of them were many years ago.

The thing is he's great and does things to consistently move things along very slowly … he said “I love you” first (7 months in), he offered me a key about a week later, and I didn't take it. He offered again on Valentine’s Day. I took it.

We do things together all the time when I don't have kids. We ski and hike and rock climb and have a great time together. He plans everything. I just have to drive the 50 miles to his house because all the mountain stuff is near his place. So that turns into us having the entire relationship on his turf which is fine, I love the town where he lives ... except that sometimes I don't know how to answer the question: “what do you want to do?” I get confused because I simply do not know (it's not my town). Plus, as a girl in a new relationship, I'm happy to just BE with him. This is somewhat annoying to him even though I've explained that it's hard to know things when you're ignorant (of that particular thing). He totally "got it" and was very understanding.

I can't figure out what his DEAL is and if it even matters.....we have a great time.....shouldn't I just GO with it? We spend time with my kids OCCASIONALLY. Usually the weekends that I'm with my kids, we don't see each other, but sometimes. He has offered, and we've taken them camping or rock climbing. They ski, so that's easy. He calls, but not everyday. Somehow we seem to have contact most days (email, text whatever). Of course, I rarely call him either.

I can't figure out what my question is except that maybe I'm curious about Never Marrieds. Are they really looking "for the right one" and wouldn't settle for anything less, or can they just NOT commit to something that big. He has nieces and nephews that he really likes.....he seems to like my girls (and they sure like him).....but I'm wondering if I’m just having a good time or if I want more from someone who just wouldn't be able to do it.....

I think that you're going to say: clearly the guy can't have a long term relationship or he already would've. Oh! I forgot - he took me "home for Christmas" to meet his family (just the siblings and their families as mom and dad are dead) after 6 months-they said that he had never done that before. They all loved me and we all got along great. I want to hear from a bachelor man......what is going on here?? Miki

MLB RESPONSE: Honestly to me it sounds like you two have a great thing going ... so my first suggestion is maybe to not over-analyze the man and the situation. Just have fun, and see where it takes you ... bask in the glory of the moment! You are fairly freshly divorced - so enjoy the ride! There is no harm in having fun, and no rule that says you must be on the road to your next wedding, right? I'm suggesting that you not overthink the relationship and it's future ... just relax, and go with the flow.

I think your real question has to do with the never marrieds ... those individuals out there who have never gotten married ... and you are wondering if they have commitment issues, or ??? Well, it COULD BE that he has commitment issues ... or it could be that he just gets bored over time ... or it could be something else. Have you ever thought about asking him why he has never gotten married? I bet he has an answer – so try talking it over with him, and see what he says. Now if someone asked me why I have not gotten remarried (since divorcing in my mid-twenties), my answer today would be that I personally tend to get bored with the same person over time - and that living together is perfectly acceptable to me (which is what I'm doing with my current girlfriend). Besides, marriage is very risky to the higher income earner involved ... especially here in California. Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce in America today ... so why risk it? Good luck with your discussion with your boyfriend. Let me know how it goes, okay?

THE 30'S LIFE CRISIS
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:  My boyfriend of 8 years [after living together blissfully for about 2-3 months] woke up and realized that his youth was slipping away, that he was scared of 'growing up', of the real commitments, challenges, responsibilities that lay ahead.  At first he didn't know what was wrong--he just needed a break--so he blamed me, the relationship etc. as the cause for this irky feeling...which he later realized wasn't the cause.  Ultimately, it's a "30's life crisis"... I'm 25 and he pretty much said that although he loved me so much, it just wasn't fair, he was "over the hill" while I'm at the prime of my life--and this may be the only time for him to take a moment and figure out/reflect on what he wants in life...to figure out what he is/isn't ready for.

I moved out and after a few weeks we started talking...he'd tell me how he was feeling and I'd try my best to empathize.  Eventually we started hanging out, have a really great time together [we had more fun together in the past couple of weeks than we have in years--but that is partly due to some of his unrealistic expectations of long-term relationships] and ended up sleeping together.  He would tell me that he would come back, he just needs time to come to terms with his issues.  I was his first girlfriend and he's pretty timid with women--so he isn't the kind to dick around with me or toy with my emotions.
After a few more weeks, I realized that my presence in his life was not helping him; I used the excuse of “I know him best, as a friend in this period of his life where I feel he really needs someone, I can't abandon him.”  My existence in his life still meant he had that constant source of security without the commitment--I want more, he isn't ready...and there was nothing urging him to face his crisis.  I decided to cut off all contact...for him to focus on himself, and for him to realize I won't be around and wait for him forever...and once he is ready to talk and ready for something real, we can talk.

With that said--how would you even go about helping someone like this?  I realize, of course--there was nothing I could say or do that could make him get past this point in his life...that it had to come from within...but there has to be SOMETHING that could help.  I have been as supportive as I possibly can...but at some point, I felt like I had to do what I had to--for myself, and for him. Thank you for taking the time to read and help.   Ruth, Age 25, Los Angeles, CA

MLB ANSWER:  The "30's Life Crisis" - I've never heard it called that ... but I definitely like it!  Really it just sounds like he doesn't know what he wants in life just yet - and that he's trying to keep things more or less uncomplicated for himself.   One way to view this is simply "maturity" ... meaning that he is in the process of maturing career-wise, financially, emotionally, etc.  Unfortunately your relationship is a casualty of this growing up period of his life right now.

You obviously care about the guy, and that is really sweet.  In my opinion though, you should cut your losses now - and go on with your life ... because he may NEVER be ready for a relationship.  Or at least not anytime soon.  And I've seen way too many people hold out and wait for someone ... only to learn later on that those early signs were the most telling of that person's true character.   This may or may not be true in his case - you are the best judge of that.  Again, my suggestion is that you move on with your life, and leave him in your rearview mirror to mature on his own.  Since we’ve exchanged a few emails, you know that I did my homework on you – and I can say with confidence that you are a very good-looking professional woman with a lot going for you.  You have a lot of options as far as dating goes – so I suggest you go out, and have some fun.  Past relationships are part of your past – today is your future!

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