Dating - False starts

Fundamental Truth #2 (continued) / page 2
Don't Take Things Too Personally

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False Starts and Energy Conservation
One thing is absolutely critical to keep in mind – as a midlife dating bachelor, recognize that you will have many FALSE STARTS with respect to relationships with women. What I mean here is that sometimes you will start to date a woman (which means you go out with her multiple times … probably sleep with her multiple times, etc.), and then for whatever reason – the relationship ends suddenly. Maybe you have discovered that you don’t like her … or maybe she suddenly realizes you are not the man for her. The point is – it happens all the time in the single world, so don’t lose any sleep over it … don’t take it too personally. If you get dumped (and you WILL get dumped), it could be for reasons that may never be explained to you … such as her old boyfriend (the love of her life) suddenly came back into the picture. Whatever the reason for the breakup, just move on and don’t be self-critical. [You can mourn the relationship for a few days, but don’t fixate on it.]

When a midlife dating relationship ends, don’t dwell on it or try to extract an explanation or unwanted reconciliation – as it can be very draining, borderline psychotic, and a total waste of your time and energy. Consider what happened to one of my friends a few years ago. Gerard was madly in love with a very good looking woman named Samantha he met at one of the local Southern California beaches. Samantha went out with Gerard for maybe two months, but then suddenly quit returning Gerard’s calls. Gerard was so obsessed with this woman because she was so hot – and he refused to believe that she dumped him. He wanted an explanation – and when he showed up uninvited at the business she owned, she was very rude to him and insisted he leave. Well Gerard was not a quitter – no sir. He kept calling and calling her, and leaving multiple messages … which were never returned. Then he went a step further – he snuck up to the window of her home, and peaked inside one evening … and saw Samantha sitting on the couch making out with another man! Gerard went ballistic – and pounded on the front door of the woman’s home. When she did not answer, he went to his car and grabbed his cell phone and called her home phone repeatedly. He told me that all he wanted was an explanation from her – eyeball to eyeball. Well guess what? Gerard was actually committing a crime, and didn’t realize it! He was stalking this poor woman, and although I don’t know her – I am quite sure that he scared the daylights out of her. It was all such a waste of energy! [Thank goodness Gerard left the woman alone from that point forward.]

If a woman wants to go out with you, you will know it. My friend, Gerard, was the victim of a “false start”, and didn’t realize it. Had he recognized it as such, he could have saved himself the trouble of all that negative energy, and used it for something more positive – like trying to find a different girlfriend, or anything really. False starts happen to women, too. A number of years ago, I met a very nice slightly older woman who lives in my neighborhood. I went out to dinner with her a few times, and thought she was really nice – and I was very attracted to her. But I was not feeling the warmth from her toward me. I think it was our fourth date before she even allowed me to kiss her good night – and that kiss was just a peck. I pretty much came to the conclusion that she either was not super attracted to me, or that she was a very slow mover, or possibly that she just didn’t appreciate physical intimacy … and so I stopped calling her. It is kind of funny because I sometimes bump into her around my neighborhood – and for a while things were fairly uncomfortable. She thought that I hated her or something – and nothing could be further from the truth! I actually like her – and I still think she is hot … but that doesn’t mean that I think dating her would be a good idea (as I’m sure nothing has changed).

Okay – so the point of helping desensitize you toward rude women, plus introducing the concepts of a “false start” and “energy conservation” was to reinforce a critical and very important Fundamental Truth – don’t take things too personally. I guarantee you that you will take many things personally in your midlife bachelor career – but the less you permit things to get to you, the healthier and happier you will be in the long-run. Remember – it is okay to be sad about losing any relationship of any duration … but my advice to you, my midlife bachelor brother, is that you not waste any energy on anything or anyone that does not appear to reciprocate.

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