Fundamental Truth #8:

You Cannot Change a Woman

Cannot Change a Woman
You Cannot Change a Woman
We have learned from the last two Fundamental Truths about women that all women are crazy, and that there are distinct types of women.  In terms of craziness, all women are crazy to some degree - the question is - can you deal with a particular woman's craziness?  And in terms of the "types of women", most women fit into two or more of those type casts - and so it depends on you as to whether you can hang, or not hang.  Notice that nowhere in this paragraph (or in this website, for that matter) do I say that you can change a woman, or a particular characteristic of a woman ... and that is because if you try to change a woman, you will most likely fail and thus be disappointed.  People are who they are - men and women.  They are raised a certain way ... they have life experiences that mold their way of thinking ... and they develop personality traits and behavior patterns as a consequence.  You are kidding yourself if you think you can change a woman.  Now I'm not talking about minor tweaks - like maybe getting her to quit smoking, or stop farting in the shower (yuck).  Rather, I'm talking about trying to change major things like how they deal with problems, or how they behave, in general - it just cannot be done.  If a woman is perfect in every way except for one major deficiency, then you will need to either accept that deficiency or you will need to move on.  Trying to change her will only lead to disappointment on everyone's part.


In terms of examples, I'll first use an extreme instance from my mid-twenties - just because it might hit home with some men out there.  My first wife, Michele, was perfect for me in many, many ways.  She was very good looking, she was absolutely fantastic in bed, and all I could ever think about was how to make her happy.  Michele had one tragic flaw that I actually found out about before we were married - she had a violent temper, and would periodically punch me in the face like a man. Now - if you saw what Michele looked like at the time, you never would have believed what I'm telling you.  She was this five foot four blonde bombshell, with a very cute china doll-like face.  She looked like an innocent all-American girl ... the girl next-door ... the girl who was responsible who you'd feel good about letting her babysit your kids.  You get the idea - she was flawless.  And I loved her with all of my heart and soul.  But wow did Michele ever have a quick temper.  I believe that part of it was mood-dependent because most of the time, I never knew that she was all wound up.  It has been twenty years, but I clearly recall several times where I just happened to say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the next thing I knew, I was getting clocked in the face.  [One time, for example, I was shaving in the bathroom - when she came up to me and said, "You didn't make the bed." ... and then BAM, she hit me.]  At the time, this sort of thing happened maybe once a month or so ... and after the first several such episodes, I sent her to a psychologist to get some counseling.  The counseling seemed to do some good for maybe three months at best - but anger management was just not in Michele's vocabulary.  She would always revert to physical violence.  And no - I never hit her back ... that is never a good solution to any domestic disturbance.  You might logically ask - why did you marry Michele if you knew about this behavior before you got married?  Well - the answer is that I was young and dumb and hopelessly in love.  Michele was really my first true blue love - and since everything else about her was perfect, I thought at the time that I could change her by sending her to counseling.  Bad move - as I said, it never worked for any length of time.  Michele continued to beat me up until our marriage ended.  [Our marriage ended not because of her beating me up - rather we grew apart for very different reasons.]  My guess/bet is that whoever Michele became seriously involved with after me also received the same beatings.  Just so you don't miss the moral to this story - you cannot change a woman so don't waste your time trying!

How to Meet and Date a Wealthy Man or Woman


Another example of me wasting my time trying to change a woman refers to the very hot Latina nurse named Debi (who I described in the Party Girl and Showgirl sections of "Types of Women").  As I mentioned previously, Debi really put down the alcoholic beverages ... she would typically drink herself to the point of being overly loud without realizing it, and being silly, and obviously intoxicated to everyone around her.  And she would do this not on all occasions, but consistently random. By "consistently random", I mean that for any five evenings out - she would get too drunk on three of those five occasions ... but I could not really predict WHICH three.  It was definitely a majority though - and that is what bothered me, and that is what prompted me to try to change her.  Now I'm not really sure about the best way to get someone who drinks too much to recognize this - without pissing them off, that is.  So I tried to talk to Debi about it - but all it ever accomplished was a fight where she would stop talking to me for a week or so (best case).   Worst-case was that she would make some kind of major scene - either when we were out together or in my quiet little neighborhood.  Debi actually dumped me after a night of her getting a bit too drunk.  I didn't ask her to leave - she just left ... like she knew it was over between us.  At the time, I didn't hound her to come back ... but I did love her so very much.  Again, the moral here is that no matter how much I wanted Debi to behave differently in just this one particular way - it just wasn't in the cards.  All I ever accomplished by trying to change her was to waste both her time and mine fighting over it.


The bottom line about changing women (or people, in general) is - you cannot do it.  When I say "changing women", I don't mean a hairstyle or the way they dress - I mean core personality characteristics that are manifested through various behaviors.  You cannot turn a person with a violent temper into a calm and patient person.  You cannot change someone with compulsive traits (like drinking too much) into someone different.  Sure - with enough psychotherapy, medication, or possibly a court order - you might be able to modify them sufficiently.  But as a Midlife Bachelor - you should not put yourself through this ... it is much easier to simply move on to someone else that does not have such problems.  Please don't make the mistake of latching on to the first woman you become involved with if she has one or more red flag personality characteristics.  [A "red flag" characteristic refers to some serious tragic flaw - such as being violent or abusive or possibly compulsively having sex with multiple partners, etc.]  There are a fair number of women out there that have these "red flags" - but there are even more who do not.  Best case is that you find yourself a nice, normal, well-balanced woman to be your next girlfriend!  It is difficult to know if a woman is well-balanced - but this website is dedicated to helping you screen out the bad apples.  Remember - it can take time for someone's various bad (and good) personality traits to surface ... so keep your eyes open, and be prepared to make a change, if necessary.

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