Difference between Managing & Controlling
This is in response to Fundamental Truth #7 "Types of Women" in Some Fundamental Truths about Women and Midlife Dating Today. The opening premise to this article “Learn about the different types of women, and how to handle them” is based on the assumption that you can somehow control a woman. Unfortunately, this is a false assumption - unless a woman allows it. However, if they do, you might want to ask yourself why. People don’t allow themselves to be controlled unless they are receiving something in return and, believe it or not, what they generally receive in return is a measure of control over you as well. Do you really want to make that trade? Because it’s a surefire bet that one of you is going to be upset when they are no longer allowed control. Instead of approaching women as a ‘type’ to be handled, why not just take the time get to know her without trying to fit her into a category? What will you have lost to make the effort versus ‘typing’ her? Time and effort, if it turns out she really isn’t for you? The flip side of that is who will you miss out on if you rely on ‘type’? As far as the categories listed, I think this is much more complicated than it needs to be. In my opinion, its all about attitude and paying attention. A woman’s attitude will give you great insight into who she really is and, if you pay attention to the ‘little clues’, you’ll obtain an accurate picture of her fairly quickly. For example, how much need for control does she have? Everyone needs to control some aspects of their lives, but does she have the ability to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ or does she need her ‘fingers’ into everything? If she does, check your own tolerance for this and make your decision accordingly. As to a woman’s drinking - pay attention to what is behind it and how it impacts her life. Does she party the night before she has a big presentation to make at work, even though it might impact her job performance? Is her fridge stocked 24/7 with alcohol? Does she take it in stride when she embarrasses herself more than a few times when out partying? What’s YOUR tolerance and attitude for partying and does it match hers? Instead of just paying attention to what she says, pay attention to what she does. Actions really do speak louder than words.
Lastly, I’d like to address an underlying thread in this article that is never quite articulated. What is it you want from a woman? Some fun but nothing steady? Hot sex but keep the emotions light? A relationship that you both can grow in? I ask without judgment because no one can define the ‘wants’ of someone else. I am also aware that what you want may change with the woman. However, if you choose to ‘omit’ to get what you want (as you have mentioned more than once in your examples), then YOU are opening the door to problems, not her. If you want something, then be straight about it and accept her decision, yay or nay. If you manipulate to get what you want, you may yourself getting much more than you wanted. Lorrie (Jefferson, Wisconsin).
Lorrie - thanks for the excellent and well thought-out feedback. Let me try to briefly address some of your comments. I think ultimately this will wind up as a good discussion topic in the Discussion Forums section (after I get those up-and-running).
When I said, "Learn about the different types of women, and how to handle them", I did not necessarily mean to imply learning how to control women. In some cases, that might be true - but I was thinking a bit more big picture ... more like "managing a situation". If a woman is drinking too heavily (Party Girl) or putting on some kind of public show (Showgirl) or being jealous all the time or being psycho - you have to manage that unique situation accordingly. As a man, you first have to decide if this type of behavior is characteristic of her - or more of a one-time aberration. If it is characteristic of her, you have to decide if you can live with this type of conduct, or maybe try to modify her conduct (unlikely, as you state), or if it is time to leave the relationship. All of the various Types of Women I list are ones that I, personally, have encountered. I'm sure there are many more - and I'll try to add to this over time. I don't mean to imply that everyone should necessarily be pigeonholed. Remember - the point of this section is to let midlife bachelors know what to expect out there. By reading up on these types of women, it may help them to recognize what is going on faster. It will also let them know that they are not alone ... that other midlife bachelor brothers have walked in their shoes.
When you state that I do not address what one wants from a woman - that is actually done on purpose. The reason - midlife bachelors are each in a different stage, and each stage/bachelor will want different things in a relationship, or from a woman. The out-of-the-gate midlife bachelor will probably be more interested in sex versus a relationship. The bachelor who has been out in the single world for a few years is likely more interested in a relationship. So all of my comments in the Fundamental Truths section are meant to be universally appropriate.