Midlife Bachelor

March 14, 2008

Women who talk too much are so incredibly annoying. After listening to my friend's wife ramble on and on and on recently, it reminded me of some women in my past who talked way too much – and so I thought it might be helpful to itemize the most common characteristics these women all share. [And for the ladies out there – these characteristics could easily be about a man who talks too much, too.]

1) You know it is pointless to try to interrupt her
A woman who talks too much wants to be heard. If you interrupt her, then you are going to upset her – and then she’ll want to talk about that, too.  It might be more fun to simply shoot yourself in the head versus interrupt her.

2) She describes you as a good listener
The last girl that I dated that talked way too much thought I was a good listener. Actually I wasn’t listening, I was quietly thinking to myself about different ways I could force her to shut the fuck up (without going to jail).

3) You already know her opinion on everything
If she’s a talker, then chances are good that she’s got something to say – and that you’ve already heard it more than once. If you just let her express her opinion - that may minimize what she has to say about something (versus engaging in a debate). Letting her mouth run its course without engaging in dialog may prevent you from having to injure yourself (to make the noise stop).

4) You notice your friends do not want to hang out with you when she is around
This is self-explanatory, and is so true. If your buddies don’t want to hang out with you when she is around (because she talks their ears off), then you know she is annoying.

5) Her cell phone bill is the size of a car payment
If she constantly goes over her monthly cell phone plans minutes, then her wireless bill can get huge in a hurry – and that is just insane. Thank goodness some of the wireless companies recently started offering unlimited minutes plans for $139/month.

6) Her family looks at you in an overly-appreciative manner
If you wonder why her family loves you so much, then ask yourself WHY?   It might be because they know she is incredibly annoying, and that you are their savior for putting up with her (so they don’t have to listen to her as much).

7) You would rather she make you a sandwich in the other room than have sex with you
Years ago, I was dating this gorgeous Persian girl who was insanely good-looking. But from the moment she arrived at my home, she was constantly telling me what to do, how to live my life, etc. Within about half an hour or so of her arriving, she got on my nerves so badly that I absolutely didn’t want to go near her – and later when she would want to fool around, I would ask her to go in the kitchen, and to please make me a sandwich. She thought that was weird – but I had some peace and quiet while she was in the kitchen. She thought I had a problem with low sex drive – but the reality was that I hated her mouth … I hated it!

8) Her leaving is a happier moment than when she arrives
If you think to yourself that you would really rather just have your own quiet time … in solitude … then chances are your girlfriend talks too damn much. If you get all happy when she says she is leaving – that is the sign.

9) Her friends describe her as a talker
If her friends say that she is a talker, then chances are good that she is far worse than an average talker. People usually understate a characteristic of someone when they are trying to be polite, right?

So there you have it – nine signs that your girlfriend talks too much.  Did I miss any?

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