Midlife Bachelor

             WITH YOU
November 28 , 2007 (updated 12/2/2007)
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She is Back with a Prior Boyfriend
This happens all the time – you may have been a rebound boyfriend for her who (for whatever reason) made her realize she wants to be with someone else like her previous boyfriend.  Don’t take this personally, and don’t chase after her – just let her go.  And if she does later come back and tell you that she was sorry and now wants to date you – tell her she’s nuts, and to have a nice day.   The absolute last thing you want is a yo-yo girlfriend … and that is exactly what you’d have if you take her back.

You Said or Did Something She Found Offensive or Stupid
We are men, and women will always accuse us of doing something wrong.  Hell – I live half of my own life in the doghouse so I’m extremely familiar with this.  However, especially when you are first starting to date someone, you can expect bad behavior on your part to be rewarded with a dumping.  Now what constitutes “bad behavior” is relative – it depends on the woman, and what you said or did in front of her.   For example, don’t ever tell a woman that she is fat – that is fairly universal advice.  Don’t argue over politics or religion … and don’t insult her family or her ethnicity.   I’ve seen each of those result in a quick-dump of friends of mine … so the bottom line really is think before you speak.  If she does dump you for saying or doing something stupid (and you agree that what you did or said was dumb), then make a sincere apology and see if she accepts it.  Then revert to the two call or two email strategy discussed in “she has simply lost interest in you” above.   If she fails to respond, then keep your dignity and move on … but learn from your mistakes.

You Forgot About Something Important to Her
Me – I am the king of forgetting about things.  I forget names, birthdays, anniversaries … you name it, and I have forgotten about it.  So I have a lot of experience with this.  My own strategy is to explain this aspect of my personality up-front – I tell pretty much everyone that unless they see me taking notes on whatever it is, that it will be gone from my memory by next week.  My excuse is that I have a lot going on – the bucket (my brain) can only hold so much.

One thing I don’t forget about are dates, and the time that I’m supposed to meet someone.  You can set your watch by my own punctuality.   If you forget about a date, or are really late – then you are an asshole and need to reset yourself.  One of my best buddies was famous for being an hour to an hour and a half late for everything … or to simply forgetting altogether, and he could never figure out why people cannot stand him.  If you cannot be punctual, then call beforehand and give her a heads-up.  If you are consistently late – then you deserve to be dumped.

She had a Family Emergency
If someone simply drops off the face of the earth, it could be because she had a family emergency … like a parent or sibling having an accident, or going into the hospital, etc.  You won’t know until later – and that is why I keep suggesting the two call or two email limit.  I’ve been in one of those family emergency situations myself, and the absolute last thing you want to deal with is some psycho person hammering your phone or email – so don’t do it!  Give her some space, and if it is a family emergency situation, she’ll get a hold of you when she can.

She had an accident or is really sick – possibly hospitalized
If she has had an accident or is really sick or hospitalized, there is really nothing you can do until she or one of her family members contacts you.  Again – don’t call or email her more than twice … don’t be a pest.  You wouldn’t want a woman doing that to you if you were really sick, right?  So return the favor, and sit tight.  Remember the two phone call/two email limit that I keep trumpeting … stick with that approach.

She is on 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold
Okay – this is unlikely, but I thought it would be a fun scenario to add.  Here in California, if you are acting crazy or suicidal, the police will take you to a county psychiatric facility and lock you down for 72 hours for “observation”.  One of my old girlfriend’s brothers had this happen to him – he was really drunk, took off his clothes, and was running around naked in public … and when the police showed up, he said he was going to kill himself.  What an idiot!  If a woman you are dating is locked down for one of these 72-hour psychiatric holds – you should probably find yourself a different girlfriend … as she is probably psycho (see Types of Women – Psycho).

She was the subject of an intervention, and is now in rehab for thirty days
This is also an unlikely scenario – unless you are dating a Hollywood celebrity, or someone who is just an extreme party animal (see Types of Women – Party Girl).   But it can happen – and your best bet in this case is to revisit why it is that you are dating this person.   You might need an intervention or rehab yourself!

She is in Jail
If you start receiving collect calls from the local county jail, but you have been refusing the charges – then chances are your date is locked down in the slammer.  Or if you are receiving no calls or emails from her whatsoever, then that could be because she is in jail and is too embarrassed to try to call you collect (or she cannot remember your phone number).   Regardless – the absolute last thing you will ever need is a girlfriend who is doing time … so dump her immediately!   Sure – she is innocent of the charges … jails and prisons are full of innocent people, you know!

Some Combination of the Above or Something Else
You might not be hearing from her for any number of reasons – but in any case, I still say your best bet is to give her two chances to reach you, and then do nothing further.  If and when she eventually reaches out to you – then carefully consider what she is saying, and then decide whether you still want to have a relationship with her.  Be mindful of your pride and also your common sense.  I am a big proponent of trusting one’s “gut feel” about people … so balance the gut feel with the facts as you know them, and go from there.  If anything really serious has occurred, and you are not sure what to think – it is perfectly fine to tell her that you need a week or so to decide how you feel about what she has just told you. 

Input from Anonymous 45-year old female from Austin, TX on 12/2/2007
One of our regular female readers (who prefers to be anonymous) was generous enough to offer several other potential reasons why a woman might suddenly stop calling you:
1) You are terrible in bed
I suppose this could mean a lot of things but hopefully this doesn't describe you! If it does, maybe buy a how-to book or something? ;o)
2) You are selfish in bed
Remember to take care of her needs, and your chances of being dumped for this reason will diminish.
3) You are not equipped to satisfy her
Well I suppose everyone must make do with what they have, right? If the woman feels you are too small, then you are completely screwed. Just move on, and deny deny deny ;o)

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