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Should You Date Someone who is Separated but not Divorced?

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  • Should You Date Someone who is Separated but not Divorced?

    This is another question that pops up from time-to-time in various scenarios over on ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR.

    If someone is SEPARATED but not actually DIVORCED - should you consider dating them?

    Here are some data points to consider:

    1) That person might still be in love with their spouse, and could be likely to go back to them.
    2) That person might be extremely undersexed (due to having been in a bad marriage) and so might be a very good time waiting to happen.
    3) That person could be an emotional nightmare or rollercoaster - and that could adversely affect whoever chooses to date them.
    4) That person could be financially challenged because they have attorney's fees, alimony, child support, and various other big expenses ahead of them - which might very well make them a cheap date, or a date in need of some financial assistance.
    5) That person could be an excellent candidate for a REBOUND RELATIONSHIP (see article on the top site here, Rebound - Does Fear of Being Single Drive Your Behavior?) ... and rebound relationships often don't work out for long because they occur for all of the wrong reasons.
    6) Technically-speaking, that person is still married - and some regard dating someone who is not divorced as morally wrong.

    What do you think? Should you (or would you) date someone who is SEPARATED but not DIVORCED? Why or why not?

  • #2
    I make it a policy NOT to date someone only separated...

    No matter how separated she feels, the ex might still feel the need to get pushy and that is drama I don't need

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    • #3
      I'm a bit biased on this one because I'm close but not yet divorced...Initially, I decided not to date because of his accusations - I didn't want to fuel the fire nor did I want to give him ammunition or the satisfaction of being "right". Emotionally, I was nowhere near ready to date. My reasons actually changed over the last few months. Now, I am not dating because I prefer to close one chapter before beginning another. If the divorce isn't finalized next month then I will move on because I will have stayed true to the promise I made myself. I also know a part of me is ready and part of me isn't ready but it will be 20 months since the separation therefor I no longer feel morally obligated not to date. I'll definitely be treading carefully.


      Personally, I would not date a recently separated man as he needs to work through the emotional roller coaster first. Figuring himself out, how he contributed to problems in the marriage, how he wants to live his life, what he wants in a woman and a relationship, etc is all important work he needs to do. You can't really do it justice while you are dating or playing the field. The timeframe will be different for each person.

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      • #4
        Well I see it differently. You learn who you are, what work you need to do, and what you want in a future rela by dating. A long marriage does not put you out on the street with qualifications.

        but to the original question, I never dated married men- too much drama or unresolved issues with people who are separated. I have heard it said it takes two years after a major life change to know where you want to go next and that seems to be about right. No matter how ready you may feel, there is often a change in course that occurs with some distance.

        so NO dates with separated men. As far as I have determined anyhow! Plenty of the midlife men I have met seem to miss their wives!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by A OK View Post
          Well I see it differently. You learn who you are, what work you need to do, and what you want in a future rela by dating. A long marriage does not put you out on the street with qualifications.
          Not to go off topic but... I think everyone is different. It depends how well you know yourself. I know people who have dated a lot trying to figure it out. And, I know people who figure it out with only dating a few people.

          Actually, a long marriage is a disadvantage in dating again. You are used to intimately talking and interacting with the same person which can make the transition to the initial small talk tough. Especially if it's not a natural part of who you are as a person. It just means you have to step out of your comfort zone - not a bad thing. I work on this by talking to strangers when I am out. At times, I go out to dinner alone, sit in the restaurant lounge and just talk whomever sits down next to me.
          Last edited by NewDay; 03-13-2014, 09:11 PM.

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          • #6
            Not necessarily. My ex was gone partying more and more so long marriage for me holds memories with kids without him present- not much intimacy or talking. Very used to making decisions on my own. Tired of that.

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            • #7
              If there coming from bad marriage then there ready to get there party on.

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