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Feeling Inferior to New Girlfriend because She Has Money

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  • Feeling Inferior to New Girlfriend because She Has Money

    The following showed up on ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR today, and I thought it would be good to toss out here for anyone (in addition to myself) to address. My own response is below.

    Iíve been seeing this lady for the last 6 weeks. Sheís funny, intelligent, educated and has money. She runs her own coffee place with her brother. Her family have had businesses in the past so I assume sheís relatively wealthy . Sheís attractive, not beautiful. I've always been drawn to brunettes (she's blonde) but I find her confidence and drive attractive. And even though Iíve dated more attractive women in the past, my main focus is whether there is: mutual respect and admiration; shared values; common interests; chemistry and passion and the way they make you feel.

    Things are going well. She likes me and I like her. Sheís a really great kisser with great breasts and plenty of sex appeal. We get along well and the conversation flows nicely. Weíre both around the same age. Iím 47 and sheís 44. I havenít had sex with her yet and I get the feeling that it would be hot. She married at 30 and divorced 3 or 4 years later. She has no kids. I have no kids either. She said her ex husband was very money hungry and a very jealous person.

    She likes eating out at nice restaurants, art and interior designing. She has a nice place and drives a nice Mercedes. She offers to pay on most of our dates and has probably paid for the majority of them.

    As for myself, I have my own place, have a job that pays ok and Iím happy. Iíve never been super ambitious. I like to travel and have fun. I work to live as they say. I come from a working class background and have never been concerned about being rich. Donít get me wrong, I donít want to be poor either but Iím not obsessed by money.

    My issue is that I feel inferior to her. She makes much more money than I do and her family is from a business background but mine are working class. I often feel sheíd be more suited to a businessman. Although she did mention she had a long distance relationship with a Syrian Muslim in her 30s who wasnít wealthy so maybe Iím completely wrong?

    Another issue, to a lesser extent, is her weight. She has nice curves but probably needs to lose just a little weight. She's not overweight but she may become that if she's not careful. I realize it's too early in the relationship to say anything to her (if at all) so this is a minor issue.

    Am I overthinking this? Does she sound like a good catch to you?

    Should I tell her I feel inferior? (I donít want to).

    Because Iím asking you all these questions, does this mean Iím not sure and I should end it?

    I want a woman to accept me for who I am. I donít want anyone to change me. She hasn't given me any indication that she wants me to change. A few weeks ago, she asked me about my aspirations regarding work and i told her i'm not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder. There was no positive reaction nor a negative one.

    Itís been awhile since Iíve had a long term relationship so maybe I'm coming up with excuses not to.

    Thank you for any words of wisdom you care to share.

  • #2
    Here is my own response to this individual ...

    Thanks for writing in. This is a somewhat unique situation you are in, and I will do my best to give you some good advice. I will also post this on our Midlife Dating Forum so that others in our age group can weigh in. You can find our Midlife Dating Forum by looking for a link at the top of every page of midlifebachelor dot com.

    To sum up where you are at - you feel inferior to this woman because she comes from a business background, and has money ... whereas you are more laid back, and not so focused on a career or bringing in large amounts of cash. You also are slightly uncomfortable about her being just a little overweight.

    Personally, I like that she pays for most of your dates! That is outstanding!!! My current girlfriend has done that just a few times, but it is not the norm. And literally NONE of the women in my own past have ever really done that - except maybe for some odd occassion here and there. So I say REJOICE that this woman has cash! Your lifestyle might get better if you continue to date her - which is outstanding. And since she knows that you are not interested in moving up a corporate ladder, then she also knows that her having greater economic means than you shall continue ... so you are not pretending nor hiding anything. So (as you can see) I think you are in a fantastic situation - and if you think about how good you have it then any feelings of inferiority may dissipate over time.

    Regarding her being just a little overweight - that's a tough call. I, personally, would get her into bed ASAP and see what kind of chemistry exists there before making any further judgment calls. I usually prefer a woman with a few extra pounds (not fat though) ... and I can say that through years of scientific experimentation, I have PROVEN that this body type works well for me. [I am also usually attracted to Latinas who tend to have curves and booties.]

    Now I *always* recommend a good and immediate chemistry check by getting any woman into bed ASAP ... as the sex usually dictates how the relationship will go.

    Like I said, I am gonna post this to our Midlife Dating Forum, and see what others think. So check it out. Thanks!!!

    Anyone else have an opinion on this man's situation that they would like to share???


    • #3
      First, your ages make for a great match. Similar places in life.
      Secondly, neither of you have kids. So, you both have "disposable income" ... no saving for college, braces, clothes/coats/backpacks/school supplies/sports gear.
      Thirdly, she "does it for you". Extra pounds and hair color aside, I can tell she's in your sweet spot. Your interest in exploring her non-physical assets speak volumes.
      Fourth, she's not a gold-digger. She's made it on her (and family members') own.
      Fifth, if you like coffee, well ... there ya go !

      I'd cheer you on to ABSOLUTELY pursue this. I can hear the voices of thousands of mid-life bachelors yelling in unison, "GO FOR IT !" (both the relationship and the sex). We who have paid a king's ransom in movies, plays, concerts, dinners, weekend trips, plane fare, Valentine's days gifts, ... without ever seeing a chick so much as crack open her wallet ... SALUTE YOU, SIR !

      Here is a strategy whose purpose is two-fold: to minimize your angst about the income disparity and to be a positive influence in knocking off her "winter weight" ...

      - Instead of her treating you to expensive meals out ... high salt, carbs, fat, calories, large portions, dessert ... shop together and buy some healthy cook-at-home alternatives. It's fun, satisfying, and costs about a quarter to a third of that restaurant bill ... and is better for you. (Have her favorite drink supplies on hand.) And doing it together (shopping, preparation, eating, playing music, laughing) builds a strong bond. And you won't feel as bloated when the time comes for "dessert".

      - Put together a simple picnic lunch, pop it into a backpack, and take her hiking or on a nature walk. A great way to share conversation, dip your feet in a stream, get the blood flowing, and it's either free or five bucks admission to the park or similar venue.

      - She's into art, design, etc ? TAKE HER TO MUSEUMS and similar outdoor venues (parks with outdoor sculptures, gardens, ...) ... for a tiny stipend you can walk around and get her take on what she likes and doesn't like about the exhibits. ("walk around": see what I did, there?)

      - Try to combine "going out for a latte" (or a milkshake, or Margarita at an outdoor bar) with some tennis, frisbee, etc.

      Just a few random thoughts I wanted to splash down before I bolt. Good luck and don't stress !


      • #4
        From a lady's point of view, I noticed a pattern among my high-powered lady friends. By high powered lady friends I mean women in positions of power and influence - lawyers, doctors, CAOs, CEOs, CFOs, directors of influencial organizations, elected and appointed government officials, business owners and outright heiresses.

        Most of us had a very laid back partner, who kept us calm and steady as we went out and did our high-powered thing. These guys were not wimps, but they offered the kind of love and supportive actions of a good corporate spouse. Cowboy is absolutely right about that picnic. I remember my husband whisking me out my stressful government job one day, to a picnic in the redwood forest next to a salmon stream full of fish for just a brief hour out of one of my many 12-hour days. What a gift, and I was renewed, steadied and fortified for the afternoon and evening to come.

        Some of us supported the first generation of stay-at-home dads. It was usually my husband who was home for the kids when they got out of school, not me. My job required lots of night meetings and breakfast meetings, and he was the one covering home through all that. I know you don't have kids in this situation, but point is high powered ladies are often drawn to, and find lasting satisfying partnerships with mellow guys who help us relax, ground, and find our way out of the stress of our high-powered lives. It could be a perfect match.

        Cowboy is also right about the weight thing. As the mellow dude in this sort of match you can help her make space and time for walking and other active healthy fun things to do. We ladies will often do things for and with someone else, where we will not take the time to do those things for ourselves. Our social conditioning makes us think time at the gym by ourselves is self indulgent, but time at the gym with our partner or friends is strengthening the collective body and building stronger relationships. Funny how our girl brains work that way, but they do.

        As for the sex, you'll know when the time is right. Don't rush it. Rich girls are hep to that. Let things unfold organically. But don't wait too long, either. When it happens hopefully she will find it one of the most effective ways to let all that stress loose. And you will enjoy helping her with that ...