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  • Question about exclusivity

    Hi all! It's been a while and my life has been a ride and fun since I have posted here. ive been dating a man since April- he is a Cyclist. He told me when we started dating this:
    1. He's going to be paying alimony for a while, this working for a while, so if I desire a travel lifestyle I may not want to get involved with him. ( I retired in 2016. He is 64).
    2. He does not want to jump into anything serious and feels that only after dating 6-12 months is it apparent whether there is any basis to go forward in a relationship.

    I told him I do not want to sleep with a man unless we are monogamous, also that I am seeking a solid relationship more than a certain lifestyle- and that I really liked him so would like for us to get to know each other better. He treats me great! Never really addressed my relationship comments tho. I decided not to worry about the big picture since we had great interest and he so respectful to me, and we've had a GREAT sex. He has never ccommented on my request to get std tested so we can stop using condoms. Once he said he hates needles and blood tests. Is that an excuse to sleep with others since I always have condoms and he doesn't mind using them?

    He he has an alcoholic ex and raised three kids with her. Has three grandkids he travels to visit on holiday weekends. One (adopted) is in prison due to drugs and some violence. He has a aging mother who he travels 2 hours to check in and has deteriorating health, so doc appointments. There is sibling conflict over their moms care. It is what it is! He's been through some Stuff.

    meanwhile, my daughter got married at the end of july, is now a military spouse, and they moved out of the country. So I've Had plenty of family biz as well. He was my guest at the wedding out of town and had a good time

    The Cyclist has a 5- day ride he has been training for coming up end of September. Something came up in conversation about October and I teased him last week about that being the end of our dating statute of limitations. I know he really likes me and we talk on the phone almost every night when not together (only 1-2 times per week). I support his bicycling goals and he currently rides 5-6 days per week.

    im perhaps overly sensitive about being 2-timed due to my past choices in men. Soooo I'm caught between playing it cool and just asking so I know the basis. Or maybe I should just tell him again what I'm looking for. He has expressed he never felt comfortable talking about his. He's an IT person and it shows! -eye roll- However he does lots of little things for me which I appreciate hugely which he loves to do.

    I'd rather just date my cyclist but I don't want to be a chump (naive) or wait around for something not likely, you know? If I'm seeing someone that long I'd like to know I'll be included in his holidays (has
    not so far since he has the grandkids out of town) Mostly I just want to know if we are exclusive since our sexlife is ramping up. I did something new in bed for him last week and he was gaga happy about it.

    Haha you are probably thinking 'so what's the problem' right? I froze my Match profile end of April When Cyclist and I got hot and heavy (my personal preference). I had two men (one old friend and one recent acquaintance) contact me THIS week.

    A. last week I got a list of matches in my gmail link in which Cyclist was listed.

    B. He called late Wednesday sounding kind of sheepish-no idea why and said after his ride he walked through the park to a restaurant with a old friend he ran into (referred to friend as He much later in convo).
    C. last weekend when I was counting the weeks until the 5-day ride in September he told me I am a PIA.

    D. I was deleting phone messages while he was doing something else and said, "look at all these calls from Cyclist, he must really like me!) his reply, " that guys a jerk- just delete all those.

    E. Cyclist has mentioned other female cyclers he's met and also about a ride group he learned about from one woman that he is joining this weekend.

    Should I ask him if he is still active online, communicating with new dates - or if we are dating exclusively - or what?
    Thanks for reading through.
    Last edited by A OK; 08-11-2017, 09:41 AM.

  • #2
    It sounds like maybe you can just try to enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy with this guy and not expect anything much more, but continue looking for what you really want. You can always back-burner him whenever you want.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree with kjmudd completely. It sounds to me like you could simply go with the flow, and enjoy what you have now with The Cyclist - because from everything you say, it doesn't sound like the relationship will progress much further. That's not a bad thing - better to have SOME FUN versus NO FUN, right?

      Other comments and/or observations:

      1) You said, "I did something new in bed for him last week and he was gaga happy about it." Could you please elaborate on this a bit??? You cannot possibly leave us hanging - come on!!! Tell us exactly what you did, PLEASE!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

      2) The Cyclist is definitely sleeping with others (or trying to). Here is how I know:
      - he doesn't want to get an STD test
      - he executes a delay strategy by telling you he doesn't want anything serious for 6-12 months.
      - he never addressed your relationship comments "don't want to sleep with a man unless we are monogamous"
      - he has an active match profile

      To your question, "Should I ask him if he is still active online, communicating with new dates - or if we are dating exclusively - or what?"

      My advice is - don't ask him because you don't want to know the answer. I think you should continue to fuck him, and also you should re-activate your profile and get some new cars in your parking lot ASAP!!!

      I think it is GREAT that you always bring the condoms. Be sure to carry the good ones - best I have found are the Trojan BareSkins.

      Comment


      • #4
        I agree with Greg. If he's not willing to get a little more serious then either plate him or drop him completely. It sounds like he plated you. His behaviors are his message.

        Comment


        • #5
          There is something to be said for the Cyclist's honesty in this. It can enter the no-fun zone fast if one or the other say they are exclusive, but behave like they are not.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by gregory View Post
            I agree with kjmudd completely. It sounds to me like you could simply go with the flow, and enjoy what you have now with The Cyclist - because from everything you say, it doesn't sound like the relationship will progress much further. That's not a bad thing - better to have SOME FUN versus NO FUN, right?

            Other comments and/or observations:

            1) You said, "I did something new in bed for him last week and he was gaga happy about it." Could you please elaborate on this a bit??? You cannot possibly leave us hanging - come on!!! Tell us exactly what you did, PLEASE!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

            2) The Cyclist is definitely sleeping with others (or trying to). Here is how I know:
            - he doesn't want to get an STD test
            - he executes a delay strategy by telling you he doesn't want anything serious for 6-12 months.
            - he never addressed your relationship comments "don't want to sleep with a man unless we are monogamous"
            - he has an active match profile

            To your question, "Should I ask him if he is still active online, communicating with new dates - or if we are dating exclusively - or what?"

            My advice is - don't ask him because you don't want to know the answer. I think you should continue to fuck him, and also you should re-activate your profile and get some new cars in your parking lot ASAP!!!

            I think it is GREAT that you always bring the condoms. Be sure to carry the good ones - best I have found are the Trojan BareSkins.
            I guess I have been 'going with the flow' and granted that was good for us both. I have never asked for a commitment, just some verbal affirmation (one of my 'love languages' that I need to feel secure.) He has quickly shut down any topic re: what I mean to him.

            BTW, verbal affirmation does not mean only one partner is doing all the talking! I came across this quote by Lee Iacocco:
            "One of the most important lessons I learned in business was that if all you're getting from your team is a single point of view -- usually your point of view -- you've got to worry. You can get your own point of view for free."
            Haha- now humor me and sub the word 'relationships' for 'business' and you see what I mean!

            The sex has been great, but I am pretty sure he is actively seeing or talking to other women. That because this summer he did these, with frequency increasing (posting strictly for entertainment value):

            During sex, did a front hug move twice that clearly seemed to be in search of boob contact. I am not very busty and he knew that already. I found myself saying WTC to myself in mid orgasm but I did not stop of course!

            He called me one night using his first and last name and of course I said, Hey I DO know your last name!

            Left a folded receipt for the boathouse bar and grill from the night he called late saying he went out with an old friend he ran into, but sounding sheepish. The receipt was on the bedside stand where I have a small dish to set my watch and earrings when I stay at his place. So of course I picked it up thinking it was mine (there has NEVER been anything of his on this dish). He asked "what is up you seem to have a question?" I handed it to him and I said, heres your receipt from the boathouse, men don't drink sauvignon blanc. He got VERY grouchy crumpled it up and said "HE DOES" without making eye contact.

            He appears on Match as online again. (not sure if this means he is, since I have heard different things about their database),

            Was talking silly the other night and referred to me as his Friend, his VERY GOOD FRIEND. To which I said what friend? Does she have these?... and pulled out some new ultra thin condoms I had brought. We had about the best sex ever together after that. SIGH. (yes G- the Bareskins are pretty good and the Durex ultra thins too but they may have changed the name.)

            Has been grouchy on the phone with me 3 or 4 times in the past 2 weeks. Then denied it later. He asked about that last night and said the one time he was kidding. (No, he was not) The other times he apologized for and sounded like he cared, then referred to himself as my boyfriend. He has never referred to himself as my BF when we are out tho- including the weekend of my daughters wedding.

            Anyhow, he invited me out of town the weekend after Labor Day, well, It was actually more of a back door invitation, "You could go here too" to which I replied- "Is that an invitation?" so I said sure that sounds like fun. But I feel like he is trying to get caught? (not good) Maybe he's just getting more active at talking with other ladies. Anyhow, I am starting to think he is crazy. I know I AM totally sane! ;-)

            SO I was contacted on Facebook by an old friend a month ago but I was busy with my daughters wedding. Long story short, he lives out of state- divorced a year or so and would I like to communicate and visit, was always a huge fan of mine, but never pursued it because we were both married when we hung out with the same crowd (raising kids). Flattering of course, tho I was not aware he had such a crush on me. I was gaga over my own cheating ex back then.

            so maybe its a 'sign' I should free myself up. I don't care for the FWB situation for very long, especially now that I am yearning for a real one-one relationship. Anyhow I am trying to decide on a way to let Cyclist go, and find myself trying to catch him behaving badly. Not good, right?

            Comment


            • #7
              OK I watched theHot/Crazy matrix video and Cyclist is definitely in the Male Fun Zone (Cute, no $$). I thought I was in the Female Fun Zone, but Cyclist does not seem to be planning to introduce me to any friends or family... even tho his sister is coming into town again next week. He always tells me in advance about his numerous family activities. his older daughter (of 2) apparently has informed him that she does want to even know about whomever he dates. He writes this off as still living with her mom who is an alcoholic- which baffles me completely. I take it to mean he has NO intention of introducing me. Whatever!

              Comment


              • #8
                Ouch. Some serious disrespect there. I think its time to step away no matter how cute he is. I'm sorry to say that if he's not willing to bring you into his social/family circle and hems and haws and makes up BS excuses about alcoholic mothers and whatnot, then in my opinion, he ain't relationship material. Keep him as a boy toy if you're so inclined but I think that cutting it off is the better route.

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