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Develop a Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success

Step 2:  Conquer the Basics and Start Dating >> Lead Generation/page 3

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Make use of Today’s Technology – Internet Dating
In addition to getting out and being seen, another very valid way to “gather new leads” in today’s midlife bachelor world is to take advantage of the various on-line dating services that exist.  What makes such services great is that they are full of women who want to date … they are in a sense, a catalog!  All types of on-line dating services exist – some are targeted at specific groups of people (like professionals, or millionaires), others are targeted at specific ethnic groups, others target literally everyone.   You can also find some seedy services that focus just on sex … with specific types of fetishes like swinging, etc.   As a midlife bachelor, I’m not going to recommend any one particular site – but I am going to presume that you are ultimately interested in a relationship … so I am going to recommend that you stay away from the sex-targeted websites.   My theory is that if you go in that direction once, it might become tempting to stick with that easy solution to one’s physical needs … and that could definitely interfere with your ability to meet a nice, decent woman in the future.  In other words, I view those sex-only websites as akin to visiting a prostitute – it’s a bad precedent to set, so don’t go there even once.   To answer your next question – no, I’ve personally never paid for sex, and I’ve never joined or met anyone on one of those sex-based websites.  Maybe that makes me stuffy or experience-limited – that’s for you to decide.  

Okay – so you have my suggestion on what to stay away from … now what?  Well – you might consider trying one of the many more normal on-line dating websites.   As I said, I don’t want to recommend any – but we all see the ads for them.   Match.com appears to be more of a zip code based catalog approach – you join, complete a personal profile, load in a photo or two … and then you can browse all the women within some number of miles of where you live.   eHarmony.com advertises heavily – they promote their multidimensional personality analysis … and claim to focus on matching you up with women who appear to be most suited to you.   There are tons of other on-line dating services – so recognize that I’m not recommending any one particular site … I’m just using two of the most common ones as examples, and briefly explaining how they appear to work.  If you decide to try on-line dating, it will be up to you to figure out which one is best for you.  Keep in mind that you don’t have to stick with just one – you can join two or more at the same time.   And if one such service is not generating any new activity for you within, say three to six months – I would suggest dumping that service.

When you sign-up for any on-line dating service – there are two things you need to be keenly aware of:

  1. What you put in your profile
  2. How and what you communicate to the women on the site

As far as what to put in your personal profile – this is a difficult thing to coach someone on.   My general recommendation is that you be truthful, yet political about anything you write.   You need to sound positive, happy, and like someone who would be interesting to meet.   You don’t want to put anything negative or cheesy in your profile – as that will tell the world that you are loser.   You also want to be very careful about what photo or photos you choose to display.   Don’t use a photo of you and your buddies dressed in wifebeater t-shirts and baseball caps turned backward, holding beers, and toasting the end of a football game at your house while yelling,  “YEAHHHHHH”.  Photos like that tell women that you are a party animal – and that is not typically the type of message you want to convey if you are serious about finding a new girlfriend.   A better bet might be to include several photos – the first being a good, clear photo of you … maybe even a professionally-taken photo.   This shows women what you REALLY look like.  In other words, if you are wearing a baseball hat in a photo – you might be bald … and some women really do not like bald men.   So why leave any doubt?  Why risk meeting a woman only to find out she thinks you are funny-looking?  Better to be up-front about everything – don’t lie, and don’t hide anything.  Subsequent photos are also a great idea – maybe show off what you look like overall … a full body shot of you somewhere, doing something.   This will tell the woman that you are not (or are?) fat or skinny … how you dress yourself when you are out in the world, etc.   Be careful about showing photos of you at party places like bars or anything similar … as you want to be very conscious of the self-image and the subtleties you portray.  Vacation photos are great – like if you recently went to Europe or Hawaii or Mexico or somewhere interesting.  Obviously do not use any photos of you with your wife or last girlfriend – as that is cheesy.  You also don’t want to use any photos that make otherwise cheesy statements – like a photo of you in front of your new midlife crisis Corvette … or a photo of you in the gym benchpressing some huge weight.   Just be mindful of the statements your photos are going to make.  Put yourself in the position of the woman looking at those photos, and ask yourself if such photos would really attract the type of woman you want to go out with.   It’s all about the messaging … the message you are trying to convey through your photos.

Just as important as the photos, what you write in your on-line dating profile is extremely important.   How you write it is also very important.   First of all – be mindful of your grammar and spelling.  If your profile has tons of spelling errors and/or grammatical mistakes – that’s the first thing that most women will notice.  Bad spelling and grammar tell the world that you are either uneducated, or that you don’t care about how your profile appears to others   Neither of those traits are good – so I would recommend that you compose anything you write using a word processor that has a spell-checker and grammar-checker, then cut-and-paste the spell-checked and grammar-checked text into your profile.   Good spelling and grammar are no substitute for good content, but they are certainly a key part of your overall presentation.

The content of what you write in your on-line profile is also make-or-break in terms of your potential appeal.  You want to appear to be a positive person who is interesting … you want to highlight things about yourself and your activities that draw in the type of woman you seek.  For example, you probably don’t want to say that your interests include smoking marijuana and drinking beer with your friends.  You probably also don’t want to discuss why you are recently a midlife bachelor, “My bitch wife cheated on me, and so here I am” … NO!!!   Instead you might consider saying something about enjoying fine dining, or eating at new places … or going to new places … or traveling abroad.   You could briefly discuss outdoor activities you enjoy like hiking, or play softball.   The whole idea is that you want to sound active and fun … willing to try new things … while at the same time appearing to live a balanced life.   I’m not telling you to lie on your profile – rather I’m suggesting that you give some thought to how you present yourself.  And if you don’t have any outside interests or activities or anything that even remotely makes you interesting … then maybe you need to get a life before you start to go out and date!   Just remember – when you are writing your on-line profile, put yourself in the reader’s chair, and try to understand how a prospective woman might interpret everything you write or expose about yourself.  If you put your profile out there, and don’t get any worthwhile responses within a month or two – then you probably need to consider revisiting either the photos, or how you’ve worded the profile or something … because there is always someone for everyone, and you should at least get some potential matches.

What successes have I had with on-line dating?  A few – I met a really nice woman named Joyce several years back on one of those sites.   Joyce scared me because she responded to my profile – but she had no photos posted.   I thought at the time that if someone doesn’t post a photo, she must be funny-looking – but that was not true.   Joyce actually just did not want to be recognized publicly, and that was fine.   She understood that I was skeptical about meeting her – so I had her introduce herself in person to me in a local grocery store – in the buns and rolls section (which sounded just a little better than the meat section).   I thought she was pretty cute – and after the intro-meeting, we went on a real date that weekend … and she wound up being one of those very horny divorcees who could not get enough sex. 

The other success I had with on-line dating was with Debi the nurse.   Once again, Debi did not post a photo – and once again, I was very skeptical.   Debi turned out to be really good-looking though – and I was not disappointed at all.  I believe I mentioned before that after Debi and I went out several times – we wound up getting quickly and seriously involved in a powerful sexual affair with one another … and wow was that nice.

Neither of the women I met on-line wound up being permanent girlfriends – although both lasted a respectable amount of time … similar to women I would have met without an on-line matchmaking service.   So I would call both Joyce and Debi success stories for on-line dating … thus I am a believer.   Friends of mine have not been so lucky.   My buddy, Mike, tried on-line dating, and basically failed – but I think that was because his follow-up and conversational skills were developmental (actually those skills of his are horrible – but I was attempting to be kind).   Several of my female friends have also tried on-line dating – and the reports I have been given are fairly spotty.   My interpretation of their experiences is that they hooked up with several guys briefly … had sex with them … but the relationships ended fairly quickly (like within several months).    Truthfully, I would say that – in my opinion – meeting someone on-line is pretty much the same as meeting them around town … you meet them, you date them, you learn more about them, and then (often) you move on.   The nice difference about on-line dating is that you do get the chance to somewhat pre-screen them … see what their interests are, their basic statistics, etc.   [You cannot walk up to a woman in a grocery store, and ask to see her profile before you talk to her, right?]

Okay – so this officially concludes Step 2, “Conquer the Basics and Start Dating”.  We’ve discussed how to generate new potential women to go out with, we’ve discussed how to ask them out, …  how to prepare for the first date …  what to watch for during the date … the goodnight kiss PLUS we’ve also discussed the concept of deciding whether to continue dating a particular woman.   The whole point of Step 2 is to get you out and dating, and used to all of the things that can happen to you while you are trying to date.  Practice makes perfect – and many midlife bachelors are extremely OUT OF PRACTICE … so hopefully I’ve given you many things to think about.   Remember that Step 2 is really Step 2 of your Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success … and the next element of your overall strategy (once you’ve gotten over the HUMP of learning to date again) is to date successfully the woman you think you really want to date. 

Next >>> Step 3:  Figure out what kind of woman you are looking for and date her

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Develop a Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success

   Step 1:  Set your short-term & long-term dating objectives

        How long have you been single?

        Do you want to stay single?

        Are you better off being single?

        Rebound – Does fear of being single drive your behavior?

        Understanding your current needs vs your longer-term needs

        Define your objectives

               Midlife Bachelor Objective Roadmap

   Step 2:  Conquer the Basics and Start Dating   

        Developmental Dating

               Identify a Potential Date

               Asking for the Date

               The First Date with Any Woman

               Watch for Signs or Signals

                     The Look

               Saying Goodnight or Goodbye on the First Date or Two

                     Goodnight kiss

               The Three Date Rule

                     Time to Dump her?

               What’s Next After Three Dates?

        Lead Generation – Finding New Women to Date

               Get Out and Be Seen

                    Always Say Something

                          Use What You’ve Got 

                                Exploit your personal strengths

                                Minimize Your Weaknesses

                    Maximize Your Opportunities

                          Plant seeds in the overall community of women

                          Leverage your friendships

                               Go on a Blind Date

                          Pick the low-hanging fruit first

               Make use of Today’s Technology – Internet Dating

   Step 3:  Figure out what kind of woman you are looking for and date her

        How do you know what the right kind of woman for you is?

        Focus on Meeting the Right Type of Woman 

   Step 4:  Periodic Re-evaluation of your Midlife Bachelor Strategy