“DATING DOWN” BRINGS DISAPPOINTMENTS
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I have a question about a man I was interested in but who at this point has completely lost all of my respect. I am still curious though to get your perspective on his behavior, as I am seriously clueless when it comes to these men out here.
There’s a man at my job he is 30ish, recently divorced (she dumped him), he has one child and two jobs in the security field. I am 33, cute, recently divorced, with a professional career, and am working toward a doctorate beginning in the Fall. Three months ago, this guy was all over me at work. He wrote me a poem, was constantly trying to get my attention – it was obvious that the man was attracted to me. All of his co-worker friends were then all of a sudden super nice and gregarious with me. Here’s where it gets
weird, for the last month or so he has gone out of his way to be seriously rude and unkind to me. In addition, a friend sent me a link to his twitter page and on it he says some pretty curious things on it – his recent tweets I have found quite offensive. Several days ago he tweeted that “a woman at his job was a pest and that this ‘hoe-bitch’ does not get that I do not want to fock with her …” He also tweeted several other disgusting things which are worse, and that I won’t repeat.
Every girl likes a bad boy, but this dude reminds me of an overgrown child. It is easy to see that I might be a little above this guy’s pay grade and that he is not interested in me – but why the nastiness? He has also tweeted several other things that I believe where directed toward me: “I want a sweet natural bitch …”, “everything was fine until I let that bitch get up in my nose.” I gave him a couple of exotic chocolates for his birthday, and for mine he only sent me a FB that read “Hbd”. Friends who know him and know me say that he cannot handle the fact that he finds me attractive – I just want to know how to stop having such lousy taste in guys – I don’t think it should be this difficult. Your perspective would be greatly appreciated.
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:
Hi – thanks for writing in. By dating this individual, you were doing something I refer to as “dating down” … which means you were attempting to date someone who was (at least) one level beneath you in terms of perceived social order. He is a security guard? And you are a professional woman, right? That is definitely an example of “dating down”. Now “dating down” is fine … it is usually easier to “date down” versus “dating up” … but it sounds to me like this guy was just a loser from the start.
Usually people will “date down” because it is easier to find someone, and also easier to get them to do what you want … because the person being dated will think that you are better than they are (due to your professional status and/or your income, etc.). The reality is, of course, that everyone is human – and everything is really just a perception. In other words, if you are a nice person – then it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, or how much you make … but people have various insecurities and/or self-esteem issues … and so abstract perceptions of social class can absolutely influence everyone’s behavior.
In the case of your security guard boyfriend, it sounds like he decided in his mind that you believe you are too good for him – and his way of dealing with that is to disrespect you via the various social media you describe. You cannot control his childish behavior or actions … and so the best thing you can do is apply zero energy to anything having to do with him … don’t look at him, don’t call him, don’t say hi to him, unfriend him on FB … just let him do his childish little stunts because YOU are bigger than all of that.
My advice to you is – keep meeting new guys … whether you decide to “date down” or “date up”. It really is a numbers game, and you WILL meet the right one. Go to several of the online dating websites (see our Online Dating Discounts page, and sign up for two sites (while saving yourself some money), and see how it goes.
I also encourage you to consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com … where we talk about a lot of things, including dating issues. We’d be happy to have you as a member of our community. Here is a link to it: Midlife Forum