New Midlife Boyfriend is Flaccid

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DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:  Not sure the best way to say this so I’ll just say it – my 48-year old boyfriend of three months has trouble becoming hard around me lately. I’m 42, and am in the middle of a divorce. I was married for 14 years, and have only been single for the past six months … dating this new guy for the past three months or so. We live in different states and we’ve seen each other five times – about every other weekend. The first several weekends were great – he had no problem. But now I notice that he doesn’t seem as interested in me. And the last two weekends I’ve spent at his house, he was pretty soft (I mean that in a literal sense). I didn’t really question him about it – I thought maybe it was me, or maybe he’s just losing interest. I had dinner with a different guy this past week, and after dinner turned into a total makeout session, although I didn’t sleep with him. I guess I just wanted to know that someone wants me. Concerning my boyfriend, do you think he is just losing interest, or is this common in late 40s men? I have not dated since my late 20s, and I guess I’m looking for some guidance.
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What should I do, and what should I expect?

MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER: First of all – thanks for emailing in your photo. You are definitely a very good-looking woman, and you can be sure that all midlife bachelors would think you are hot. So try not to take what is going on with your boyfriend personally. And kudos to you for not calling your boyfriend out on his problem. That would most likely do a lot of damage to him, and to your relationship. So you just added tremendously to what I call “good karma points” for yourself.

Has he asked his family doctor for a Viagra or similar prescription? That could be the fastest way to solve the problem … assuming he knows/acknowledges that there is a problem.

My take on what is going on is that it could be one or more of the following:

  1. He might have a hormone defficiency
  2. He might be experiencing a side effect from a medication he is taking
  3. He might be losing interest in you
  4. He might still be in love with someone else
  5. He might be going through some other emotional issue he has not discussed with you
  6. Some combination of 1) through 5)
  7. Something else

Concerning the hormone deficiency, if he is experiencing a loss of libido – then he should go to his doctor, and have his testosterone level checked. This is a simple blood test – and if his levels are too low, then there are medications that he can be prescribed.

Does he take any medications? Does he have any chronic illnesses? A number of medications have side effects that interfere either with a man’s libido, or his ability to become firm. For example, some blood pressure medications can introduce some problems. I’ve also heard that people who suffer from diabetes can have problems. And I’m sure there are many other issues or medication side effects that I have not heard about. His family doctor will know. As I said, he could simply ask his primary care physician for a Viagra (or similar) prescription – that might solve the problem. But he first has to admit and acknowledge that there is a problem … and if he has not done that yet, then your challenge is to get him to recognize it without stripping him of his ego and dignity. I suggest being subtle, suggestive, and supportive. Good luck! Don’t forget to check out our Midlife Forum – where people share all kinds of issues, including this one. There is a recent discussion thread there that discusses this exact issue – Performance Anxiety discussion thread which is just one of many discussions in our

Midlife Forum – Discuss Anything. Regret Nothing.

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About the Author

Midlife Bachelor chronicles lifestyle, dating, and relationship experiences and advice to avoid a midlife crisis. Readers like you are often beyond young adulthood in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s that want to understand how dating, sex, relationships, and love fit in with our lifestyles.