FIGHT TO SAVE RELATIONSHIP AFTER CHEATING?
Written by a Special Guest Author on behalf of the midlifebachelor.com audience
October 15, 2010
An infidelity is something that we wish we never have to deal with or go through, but unfortunately it's also something that's out of our control. Many of us have to go through this pain while others (the lucky ones) never experience it. What do you do when it does happen to you? How do you know when a relationship is really worth fighting to save?
The answer to this question is a bit complicated, and there's no "one size
fits all" answer that can be given. Every situation is completely different, and even when it may seem like it's similar to another - it has to be treated in a complete different way.I must admit that more often than not, women are the ones that have to go through an infidelity - and part of the reason why is our society, and what we see as acceptable behavior from the two genders. I'm not going to go into details on that subject because that's for a whole other post, but I do want to say that you as a woman must try to make the best decision possible and decide whether your relationship is worth fighting for, or is it just best to end it. It's also important to always make this decision based on facts, and not on the opinions of others.
I'm always shocked when I see women going to their girlfriends for advice on what to do after they catch their boyfriends or husbands cheating. Half the time these women friends are single, divorced, or simply have a dysfunctional relationship themselves. It's a lot smarter to seek the advice of someone who has experience, and more importantly has a successful relationship. Doesn't that make much more sense? At the same time it's also important to get the advice from more than just one person, but ultimately just take that advice and combine it with you're own knowledge and then make the decision of staying or leaving.
Often what your best friend or co-worker will tell you are things like, "once a cheater always a cheater, girlfriend" or "you should never stay with a cheater, I'm sorry". But like I said before, there's no one universal answer to dealing with infidelity, and the reality is that you're the only one who really knows everything there is to know about your own relationship. For that reason you're the only one who can really make that decision, and you should never base it only on someone else's experiences or recommendations.
Consider this, you wouldn't quit your job just because your best friend quits hers, would you? Of course not - you would have to think about your own finances, your bills and most importantly come up with a way to survive without a job. The same principle applies here. Just because someone else ends their relationship due to an infidelity, it doesn't mean you have to end yours, too. You have to think about all of the factors that lead to it, and also determine if there's a relationship to be saved in the first place. For all you know, maybe her relationship was already at the end of the road and would've ended for that reason, or another regardless. Yours could be one that's much healthier where there are only some minor issues to be worked on.
The truth is we always hear of people that say you should never tolerate an infidelity, or we hear of cases where someone just left their man due to the same reason, but what we never hear about is all the women that decide to work things out, and fight for their relationship. Think about it, when you meet a couple that has been together for a long time, and they appear happy - they never start by mentioning that they worked, and got past an infidelity. That's because that type of information is something you keep between the two of you, and you don't just tell everyone you meet. For that reason, I believe there are a lot more couples out there that go through this than you think. It all comes down to you knowing if the relationship you're in is worth fighting for.
Truly, the way to know if your relationship is worth fighting for after an infidelity is to first determine if the other person is, in fact, sorry for their mistake - and see if there's willingness and cooperation from their part to make it work and rebuild the trust that has been destroyed. It's completely possible to rebuild happiness in a relationship as long as you have mutual effort coming from both parties.
You, more than anyone else knows this person enough to be able to tell if they're, in fact, repentant and sorry for the damage they've caused. That's the trick to knowing if you're relationship is worth fighting for. It's also important to keep in mind that this can only be determined by you simply because there's no one else that has spent the same amount of time as you with this person to really know them and determine how genuine their feelings are. There is no one else on earth that has lived the unique experiences you two have shared together. And there is no one else that knows him or her as a partner and a lover the way you do. Not his mother, not his sisters and certainly not one of your friends - only you.
On the other hand, if all along you're relationship has been rocky and on top of things you catch him cheating, then it's pretty obvious that relationship was gone long before that. Again, you more than anyone know what kind of a relationship you truly have and by simply analyzing it from a neutral point of view, you can easily discover what you have or don't have.
Bottom line is, a decision to just end a relationship due to an infidelity should never be based on what other people do or say is the "right" thing to do, but rather on a true analysis of your specific situation by taking into consideration all the relevant facts. Just keep in mind that sometimes there can be many reasons for an infidelity and at times even you can be the cause. Stop and think about the true motives behind it and see what you could've done to prevent it. Was it lack of attention and understanding that cause him to seek it from somebody else or was it because the love that was once there has vanished?
I'll let you and only you be the judge of that. After considering all possible factors, I'm sure you can make the right decision to your unique situation.
So, how have you handled an infidelity in the past? Do you tell people about it? I would love to hear about your experiences on this, so do share in the COMMENT section below, and tell us if you agree or disagree with me.
Guest Author's Bio: The Last Honest Guy has spent over 15 years analyzing and doing field research on human behavior and interaction and specializes in giving thousands of women true relationship advice from a guy's perspective. He does not sugar coat the truth and gives accurate non-biased free advice.