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BLATANT AFFAIR WITH 23 YEAR OLD MARRIED WOMAN
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: I am 45 years old and I have been married 28 years. I have 3 grown children, 1 of which lives with us with her 2 young daughters. My 48 year old husband told me 3 weeks ago he was interested in another woman. It progressed very quickly to be in love with her and her wanting to have his baby. They have been sexually active together. My husband said it was intercourse 1 time and oral sex the rest - not that it makes a difference.
His interest is a 23 year old married co-worker, who understands him and makes him feel good. He tells me that this is a result of me always wanting to argue about everything. And yes we do argue sometimes, I never thought it was that bad. My husband has always been very negative with and about me, and in the past few years I think I just had my fill and started being very negative about him as well. He really doesn't remember all the things he has done to me, only that I have been mean to him. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me or his family. He just needs time and space to work this through. I have researched MIDLIFE CRISIS and I feel fairly sure this is what is happening to him. I love him with all my heart, and I want to save our marriage - I just don't know how much more I can withstand before I go crazy. He comes home, and takes a shower, and gets dressed to go see her. He talks to and texts her on the phone right in front of me. He gets very mad if I get upset about any of this. He

had a moment of being normal yesterday. I had asked him several times to look up “midlife crisis” and he finally did. He said OMG I have been so mean. He can't understand why. However with all this been said, he is not ready to stop his affair. (at least he did stay home last night - maybe that is the beginning of the end of the affair?) He is listening to a totally different kind of music, playing loud with heavy bass. He is drinking every night. He is not paying bills like he used to. The company that he works for also employees our 27 year old son, and two of my cousins. My husband told me yesterday that people have started asking him if he is involved with this young woman. I hate that not only for myself, but for my son. I am in counseling right now. I am a talker and a fixer by nature. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP. This is so not my husband.

MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:  Thanks for writing in - I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It is obvious to me that you love your husband very much - as you are you putting up with a lot right now. This definitely sounds like he is going through a midlife crisis - but I don’t think that adds any legitimacy to what he is doing to you.

In my mind from a generic standpoint, a midlife crisis can be an agent of change ... a self-imposed wake-up call to make changes in one's life. And it sounds like that is what he's doing … but he seems to have forgotten about all the negative karma he is creating around himself. For example, you say that he comes home, showers, and then gets dressed to go to see her ... all right in front of you ... which is rude. And him texting her in front of you - again, that is just rude. The fact that he tells you about her, and about what he's doing - that would drive me nuts, personally ... and I’d have kicked his @ss out of the house the first time he pulled any of that on me. All of us react differently - and you obviously (as you said) are a “fixer” by nature. I’m more of an @ss-kicker by nature, I suppose - I just would not put up with any of it. [I did go through something similar when I was married - and I ejected my wife from my home the same day I discovered what was going on.]

The karma surrounding your husband's relationship with this young woman is made even worse because SHE is married. What I’m getting at here is - their relationship is ultimately doomed to failure ... because from all angles, it is based on cheating and disingenuous behavior toward others. What is happening in his head (I’m guessing) is that he is overwhelmed by the hotness of the sex with this young woman ... but sooner or later the steam will cool off, and the reality of everything will set in. That may take time - but eventually it will happen. And what will be left at that point? Will you still be there for him? Will her husband still be there for her?

You wrote to me looking for advice. I cannot tell you what to do – but I can give you some things to consider. I think your husband is doing what he is doing right in front of you because he knows HE CAN … he knows there are NO CONSEQUENCES … and he knows YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HIM when and if his relationship with this woman ends. In other words, he is the one currently in control, and he knows it. If I were you, I would take control of the situation - and change all the rules, effective immediately. I don’t know your financial and employment situation - so it might not be as easy as what I’m thinking ... but my best advice to you is - don’t allow yourself to continue to be walked on. Personally, I’d kick his @ss right out the front door - and toss his belongings out on the front lawn … but that’s just me!

Here are some related articles here on midlifebachelor.com – which you might find useful:

1) Advantages of Cheating? in Short Midlife Articles
2) Is Cheating Worth It? also in Short Midlife Articles
3) Your Midlife Crisis
4) There are a lot of Cheating-related ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR Q&As – see the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR Index Page, and select the Cheating tab

You also might consider joining our Midlife Forum here - as there are a lot of men and women there in their 30s and 40s who have gone through something similar. Be sure to let us know how things progress … how you wind up handling everything … and how it turns out … so that we can all Leverage the Midlife Knowledge (which is this website’s motto), and collectively learn from one another’s experiences.

Use our commenting feature below to share your opinion on this question or answer, or to offer your own answer, or you can always choose to discuss this in the Midlife Forum ...

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