MIDLIFE BACHELOR ROOMMATE FROM HELL
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I am 47 years old, and have been separated for eight months after having been married for twenty-one years. Divorce should be final within the next six months. My wife moved out of the house when we initially separated, and because I had been experiencing some income issues, I decided to take in a roommate in order to keep the house. The new roommate is a friend who I've known since we were high school age. He's been divorced twice - the last time was about 8 years ago, so he is used to being single and living the single lifestyle (whereas I am not).
Now I've been around this guy as friends for years. We would party together from time to time, and hang out and all. But now that he has moved in, I see a different side to him and he's driving me nuts. First of all he is very messy
whereas I am tidy. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink for days on end which really grosses me out. His room is a mess, and I think the rest of the house would also be a mess if I did not keep things picked up (except the kitchen - I won't wash someone else's dirty dishes). Several things really bug about him - one is that I've seen him binge drinking during the week. I came home early on a Thursday afternoon, and he was passed out on the family room couch with a bunch of empty beer bottles on the table (no coasters either). I think what is really pushing my buttons though is what happened last Saturday night. I went out to dinner with some friends, and when I came home at around 10 p.m., I opened the door to my house and he was in the living room having sex with some tramp he just met via the internet. He has the nerve to ask me right there and then (while they were buck naked in the middle of doing what they were doing) if I wanted to "party" with them, and I don't even want to know what he meant. I just backtracked my steps, and went right out the front door I came in - and returned two hours later to an empty house, thank goodness. I talked to him that Sunday afternoon about what happened the night before and told him I did not think it was cool that he was doing that in the living room, and he just laughed and told me I should loosen up and go with the flow, that I would have a better time in life if I did that.
So I guess my question is - what do you think about all of this? I am too uptight? Is what this guy does what being a midlife bachelor is all about? Should I reset him, or reset myself?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:No - what your roommate is doing is NOT what constitutes regular or typical "midlife bachelorhood". I mean - I don't live like that, and I own midlifebachelor.com!
Here's what I think. Sometimes people you've known for a long period of time make GREAT FRIENDS but TERRIBLE ROOMMATES - and that is exactly what you have going on in your life, and in your home right now. You need to "reset" both yourself and your roommate. You should "reset yourself" in the sense that it is time for you to realize that it is YOUR HOUSE, and you make the rules - and if he cannot live according to how you set the standards, then he should move out ASAP.
People only get away with what you allow them to get away with. You allow him to leave dirty dishes in the sink ... you allow him to binge drink in your living room (and maybe mess up your furniture). And if you don't reset him with respect to having women over (fooling around in the family room), then he will continue to do that. You are the homeowner - it is YOUR CHOICE what to allow, what not to allow ... so get assertive, and let him know what the boundaries are.
Now you've been friends with this guy for 20+ years, it sounds like. So I'd personally probably give him one more chance, and then evict him. But you should definitely talk to him immediately, and explain how serious you feel the situation is ... as you probably do not want to suddenly blindside him with an eviction.
The only other advice I have for you is - take control of situations as they arise. What I mean here is - don't be too preoccupied with being nice if your roommate is doing something jacked up. For example, if it were my house, and I walked in on an inconsiderate roommate fooling around in the living room - instead of me leaving, I would have tossed them both out the front door. But that is just me. Oh - and the next day, I would have made him clean whatever stains he left behind on the couch - and then I would have kicked his ass.
Good luck with this situation, and be sure to let us know how it turns out. You might consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com ... where men and women our age discuss all sorts of midlife, dating- and relationship-related issues. Here is a URL to it:
The Midlife Forum on midlifebachelor.com - Discuss Anything, Regret Nothing!