MIDLIFE CRISIS AFFAIR ENDS IN UNHAPPINESS
April 13, 2014
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR::
I am so unhappy after having had a midlife crisis affair on my wife of 30 years, and having her find out and divorce me. I really thought I was in love with my affair partner, but later realized it was only lust. I also realized that this woman was not a good person at all, and really neither was I for cheating on my spouse. I left my wife for this other woman, and it was a huge mistake. I wish I could turn back the clock, and do everything over a different way.
It took me almost three years to wake up to reality. My wife was a good woman. Sure, we had marital problems, but my wife was my best friend and she
took care of me. My affair partner turned out to be very different - she is selfish and self-absorbed. Her selfishness also made me see that I was engaging in many of the same selfish behaviors with my (now ex-) wife, as my affair partner is now engaging in with me. The whole experience opened my eyes, but it's far too late to reconcile with my wife, whom I now see as a beautiful person, both inside and out. She was loyal to me, too, and now she is engaged and loyal to someone else. She won't even give me a chance to meet with her to reconcile. She said it would not be fair to her fiance. She said it would be like cheating on him. I am crushed. Do you have any advice for me? Maybe you can warn others who are thinking about having an affair to not do it?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:I'm glad you wrote in. I run into midlife crisis affair situations all the time here on midlifebachelor.com, and it would be difficult to find any such situation that did not involve unhappiness on at least one person's part.
Seems like you were a willing victim of what we call the &grass is greener syndrome" (sometimes referred to as "GIGS"). You were having some problems with your wife, and you met this other person ... who seemed to have all of the right answers ... and who seemed perfect at the time for you ... and so you jumped into bed with her, and then made the formal switch ... only to later discover that this new woman has a different set of faults which are actually WORSE than what you were experiencing with your (now ex-) wife. And so you now yearn for your ex-wife - who happens to be engaged to someone else.
There's pretty much nothing you can do now except try to move forward with your life, without your ex-wife. It sounds doubtful that she would ever forgive you - or return to you. And you really cannot blame her for that. I think the best thing you can do for her is to not interfere in her life anymore - and allow her the freedom to be happy on her own. That should be the gift you focus on giving her - the gift of no contact.
Like I said, I think your best bet is to put yourself on a trajectory to move forward with your life. This means putting your affair partner completely out of your life (if you haven't already), and finding some new hobbies and new friends to hang out with. I, personally, started playing tennis again roughly two and half years ago - and I've found that to be amazingly rewarding. You could also get your feet wet with dating again - maybe try some of the online dating sites. We have discounts available for some of the online dating sites – see our Online Dating Discounts page for those.
If you are the victim of a Midlife Crisis Affair, and want some good ideas on how to move forward with your life, then you might try reading our article here,
How to Deal with a Midlife Crisis Affair and Divorce
You also might consider joining our Midlife Dating Forum – where we often discuss all types of dating issues – including those which are extremely uncomfortable.
Good luck! Oh - and anyone who wishes can also add a COMMENT to this article directly below, in the COMMENT section.