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REASONS HE CAN'T STAY HARD
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR::
I'm gonna try to be clear ;)  This is my first forum for men, so here it goes.  My guy, 49 year old business owner, mid level success; separated for 2 years now.  His wife cheated on him after 8 years together (no children together, step fathered 2 boys currently 21 and 18).  She ran off with boyfriend to a trailer park in Florida.  She does not speak to my guy and has been sure that the boys cut off their relationship with him, as well.  He mostly seems over her.  He was trying to date before me and said that he wasn't meeting anyone he connected with until me.  When we met, we could not stop talking to each other.  Within 4 months I was having family holidays with his family, and he helped me open my own business.  We live in a small town and EVERYONE knows us; so socially, it's a blast as well.  He used to come to my house every weekend, now
I go to his since he moved into a great little house.

By our 3rd date, we were getting busy after a drunken evening.  He was rock hard and stopped before much happened and said he just wasn't ready.  Next day he said, "Sure, we could have had sex and I probably wouldn't call, but I don't want to do that to you."  Each weekend we fell into each others arms, he'd get me off, and then either couldn't stay hard or couldn't complete even if I was blowing him like crazy.  He always said I was doing the right thing but he tells me he is way into his head and just doesn't know what is going on with him.  After 6 months or so of trying and talking, he was feeling so pressured and knew I had to back off.  Seven months in, he had a talk with me and said that he'd like me to lose weight.  That he's not sure but he's always been attracted to skinny women and maybe its part of the sex problem.  He doesn't expect me to be skinny but lose some weight.  I took it like a man's dream ... I didn't react like you would think I would.  I actually thanked him for his honesty.  He said he didn't want to stop seeing me and it would be something we are just working on for our relationship.  I see him often, daily at work because our stores are 50 feet from each other.  When we see each other, we kiss; I get beautiful gifts on Valentine's Day (roses), Christmas, and birthdays.  We've now been together for a year and 7 months.  He spent most of his life on stage in bands, gorgeous and very lanky, 6' 2" 180 pounds ... women loved him.  He's put on about 60lbs, all grey now but I think he is still gorgeous; and, yes he says he feels bad about how he looks.  He has an AWESOME personality and everyone loves him.  He drinks a bit, more than most. If he's an alcoholic, we can call him a functioning one.  He truly treats me with great respect.

Me - I'm 47 years old, 5' 2" and currently 200 pounds.  I'm awesome, dated lots before him, everyone loves me and I am quite attractive (except for the weight).  I've had a bad run with illness (I'm well now) and meds ballooned me up from an athletic 140.  Before I met him, I lost 20 and recently lost another 20. He has noticed and made it a point to tell me how great I am looking.  I am a strong woman, not as insecure as most, but I have my moments.  We don't fight, if we do tiff, we have this great ability to address it and tweak it.  I enjoy his company so much, I love the person he is.  I am very sexual and trust me when I say, I'm shocked that I'm still with him because we don't have sex.

I know he is sad his boys cut him out of their lives.  I know he was really hurt by her cheating.  He says he won't file for divorce because he doesn't want to put the money out.  All assets have been dealt with in the settlement agreement.  They own nothing together.  The drinking could be a factor with our sex life and maybe it was an issue with their marriage.  He says it was not.  I have mentioned the drinking could be an issue; from his perspective, he says he's just not that interested in sex anymore ... upon me pushing the issue a bit regarding my needs his reply was, "If you want to have sex, then go have sex, I'm not going to stop you." my reply was of course, but I want to have sex with you!  Ugh, it's frustrating.  I don't like arguing so when I see him shut down, I stop.  I really don't know what I'm asking.  Any feedback?  I'm happy to answer any questions.  I know if this doesn't change I will need to leave him.  In the mean time, I'm still working on my life and losing weight.  I just feel like, if it was really about my weight, he wouldn't be with me and basically treat me like his girlfriend.  And yes, we go to parties together, I've met all of his friends ... trying not to leave any info out.

Thanks for any input you may have.  Love your website.

MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:
First of all - thanks for telling me you love my website.  I work very hard here, and I would like to think that midlifebachelor.com helps people ... so your comment is definitely appreciated.

I am very sorry to hear this is happening to you.  I think you deserve more - and you will (most likely) need to leave this guy ... even though you do like him.

Based on everything you said, I believe that it could be one or more of the following:

  1. He still loves his wife, and he's not ready to fool around with anyone because the end of his relationship with his wife is not resolved within his own head.  He has not yet even filed for divorce - which tells me he has not "moved on".  My guess is this is at least part of the issue.

  2. It could be that your weight is simply unattractive to him.  This doesn't mean he doesn't like you - it could just mean he cannot be hard around you.  I bet a Viagra would cure things, if this is an issue - but he will need to want to take one.  He did ask you to lose weight, and he did say that prior to you he has only been with skinny women ... so it sounds like this could at least part of the problem.  Again - I'm not at all criticizing YOU, I'm trying to diagnose what could be causing your boyfriend's flaccidity.

  3. He might have a hormone problem - a lack of testosterone.  This is a medical issue that he can clear up by seeing his doctor ... and getting a referral to a urologist.  They take a blood sample, and a week or so later he would find out if he has low or diminished levels of testosterone.

  4. Booze and/or drugs - they can definitely interfere with a man's erection.  If he is a heavy drinker, then that is certainly at least part of the problem.  I've also read that smoking can interfere, too.

  5. A combination of two of more of the above.
I know you have feelings for this man but trust me when I say if your relationship with him is truly meant to be romantic in nature, then this would not still be going on.  It could be that the two of you were meant to be very good friends - so you might consider that, since you care so deeply about him.

You do sound like a very nice woman, and I know that you will find happiness ... with or without this guy.  You will be fine.  But you may have to make a difficult decision, and cut him loose.  Remember - life is short :)

Here are some other resources, Q&As, etc. that you might find helpful:

  1. ASK MLB Q&A - I Could Not Sleep with the Fat Woman

  2. ASK MLB Q&A - New Midlife Boyfriend is Flaccid

  3. You could also go the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX page, and click on the "Sex" tab to see what other issues people have been having.

  4. You should consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com - where we discuss many issues affecting men and women between the ages of 35 to 60. We'd be happy to have you as a contributing member of our discussion group!
What do YOU think - do you have a better answer or a comment?  Use our COMMENT SECTION below, or you can feel free to discuss this in our Midlife Forum.

COMMENTS?
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