TIME TO CUT BOOZER BOYFRIEND LOOSE
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I'm currently living in a different city from my home town for my job. I've been here over a year and about 6 months ago got to know this guy (47, me 41) through friends. We started dating and he told me he was looking for a proper relationship, hopefully kids if possible, and he'd liked and fancied me from when he first saw me and thought I looked like someone who would be potentially good in a relationship.
We dated a couple of times then had sex, which was brilliant (both of us on same level in what we like, chemistry and experience). He also likes to cook and has good things going for him - works hard (bit of a type A but with aspirations to escape to the country) grows vegetables, owns his own house. He's been in several long term relationships, the longest for 13 years, so all in all
seemed a definite prospect. On top of all that, we get along really well, loads of laughs and we both like to chat about people and listen to and sing along to music (many of our friends are musicians).
But (of course there's a but) he also drinks heavily, and can be unreliable about dates. I cooled off a few times from him because of this. I don't mind the drinking too much, I like a drink too much myself and he's not one of your angry ranty drunks, it just makes him more inclined to chat and listen to music. It's more that it makes him sporadic and unreliable.
Me and this guy have been off and on (we actually didn't meet up for nearly two months because he let me down on my birthday and I "psycho-ed" out on him (sent about ten nasty texts and an email totally taking the piss out of him and referring him to a website for help if you're a sociopath) but after a few days he stayed in touch almost every day by text, then phone and it was like we were building some kind of trust again).
The problem occurs when he says he'll meet up, and sometimes things go wrong, he gets really drunk, sends increasingly incoherent texts leading up to the meet up, and ends up going home, texting to apologise that he's "too mashed to see you" or words to that effect. I get understandably pissed off and paranoid and wonder if he's met someone else, or basically why is it hard for him to meet with me - if he wanted to see me he would. He swithers between full on and then skittish and unreliable. I end it and tell him he's not a relationship prospect, then he gets in touch and is sorry. By this time, for example - I'll have sent about two texts and an email saying he's f****ing useless, a wanker etc, and he'll say it's a bit mad considering it was just a cancelled drink and that he's really sorry he got pissed and is useless and he's not with anyone else, and he sends it first thing in the morning. However, if someone wants to cancel they ideally do it in a way that's respectful. I've said this to him, and I said it never works for me with either friends or romantic relationships in the long run if someone is unreliable (I'm someone who turns up on time and makes an effort unless I hate a person or situation and don't want it at all).
But he'll say that he's really sorry and the main thing is we like each other, and let's be kind to each other and accept our foibles (he thinks I overreact "psycho" and I think he's unreliable) and because I enjoy his company so much, I'll just say fair enough, that's true, and so it goes on.
I think it's got to the time where I have to encourage a talk about why these issues arise, as it is I have a few abandonment issues and find it hard to trust. I don't really know why he goes up and down like this, he's said he's a bit of a fock up, and wants to sort it all out and that he hopes he's not broken and he tends to mess up relationships and extricate himself in the end, so that's clearly not good news. Yet, when you meet someone you really get on with more than anyone else, it's hard to put it in the past and have no contact.
What do you think? Any views would be very welcome.
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Thanks for writing in. This is actually a pretty easy one to answer. The man has a drinking problem - and it has nothing to do with you. I'd say you either need to accept his behavior (including standing you up because he got too hammered), or let him go. He is not going to change - so do not expect him to. My suggestion is that you give him the boot, and find yourself someone who does not have such a major drinking problem. You don't deserve to be stood up repeatedly because he is too drunk to come over. That is just plain ridiculous. Maybe once or twice - but having this happen regularly is clearly a bad sign. He is not going to change. Better for you to move on, and leave him to his first love (drinking).
The other thing I should mention is that I suggest you do not waste any more energy on him ... not get mad at him or go psycho on him - or anyone else for that matter. It is just wasted energy ... so conserve that energy, and use it for better purposes ... such as in the bedroom. I know, this is easier said than done ... but it is my best suggestion to you. Name-calling also is not nice ... calling someone "useless" is pretty harsh ... even if you are angry. So my suggestion is to for you to try to be nice ;o) And I mean that in the nicest possible way!!!
I hope this was helpful. You might consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com ... where we talk about a lot of things, including dating issues. We'd be happy to have you as a member of our community. Here is a link to it: Midlife Forum