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WTH does this mean when my ex says this? need the women to chime in here please!!!

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  • #16
    I think I can see her perspective. By walking away from you and her son she is helping both of you ease into accepting her end. She believes she is going to die and is preparing for it by separating from everyone. She also probably doesn't want to expose both of you to her suffering after watching her mother go through it.

    It's only a thought, not reality.

    So freaking sorry your going through this - cr@p

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Vienna View Post
      I think I can see her perspective. By walking away from you and her son she is helping both of you ease into accepting her end. She believes she is going to die and is preparing for it by separating from everyone. She also probably doesn't want to expose both of you to her suffering after watching her mother go through it.

      It's only a thought, not reality.

      So freaking sorry your going through this - cr@p
      Knowing that she is the one going thru cancer, I'm now thinking the same way as Vienna. I have a good friend that is going thru this and she is also pushing away people who are close to her..and every so often you see the pre-cancer person emerge. Its very tough on everyone.

      Real sorry that you and your son have to go thru this.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by A OK View Post
        Mike, Who labelled it midlife crisis? I never buy that excuse. My guess is that she didn't feel supported, or there would be no need to split and it goes along with you primary question in this thread. Maybe she could have put some energy into trying to get it across to you, or did she. Nothing personal- behaivor not the person but you did ask. I don't get the impression that you listen very well from the way you fire off posts here- off on a tangent enjoying a joke with yourself. Example is your lamp photo. Sure make a joke about it but not acknowledge my sincere request. Shrug.

        You don't seem like you have much to hide, maybe that's why she will open up to you. I've known overbearing guys who say they're an open book when subtlety would offer a more receptive front. I think her message is that she can't be herself around you.

        Nothin personal but you asked and glad I'M perfect ;-)

        In short, avatar removed. I typed out a decent reply but I lost it when trying to post. Her therapist is who labeled it a mid-life crisis. I have never been over bearing towards her at all. I have never raised my voice or even stood in a threating manner towards her and I never could. She WAS my best friend, and she said this about two months ago and last week we were talking and she was saying how she is going to lose her job and that she was thinking of moving down here from out of state and possibly us going to counseling together. My problem with this is if I DON'T do it then I look like the A-Hole to everyone including my son. I do not want her to move down here. I want her to move back to her parents who I get a long with really well and they said they would take care of her. I jsut want to focus on my son and providing a stable warm home for him.

        Originally posted by Jenna View Post
        I'll offer up a completely different spin - but, Mike, it'll just be speculation as I - like everyone else here - have not met your ex. As you spent such a significant amount of time with her, I'd imagine you should be the best one qualified to try and read into her behavior. Here it goes, anyhow:

        I feel really nervous around my ex. It is not because I have daddy issues or that I'm even remotely attracted to him any longer. I even get so internally upset in his very presence that I declined attending our divorce proceedings. The why is because being near him brings forth all of the disgust I feel towards him - haven't reached that space of apathy yet. I've never before been as challenged by such negative feelings towards another person & it throws me when they get conjured as I don't settle quite comfortably with feelings like that - where the very sight of a person makes you feel so ill you become unsteady/nervous.

        So, I wouldn't feel quite convinced that she may still be "hot" for you - she may be like me & unable to process disgust. Just sayin'...whether that is a possibly or not, only you would really know.
        Jenna, I hear what you are saying but it wasn't like that with her and I. We litteraly would hug, hold hands, and joke all the time. people couldn't believe that we were together as long as we were and still acted like we just started dating. There has never been yelling or arguing between us even now.

        Originally posted by Vienna View Post
        I think I can see her perspective. By walking away from you and her son she is helping both of you ease into accepting her end. She believes she is going to die and is preparing for it by separating from everyone. She also probably doesn't want to expose both of you to her suffering after watching her mother go through it.

        It's only a thought, not reality.

        So freaking sorry your going through this - cr@p
        According to her she was told she has two years because the cancer spread to a non-operable area and all they can do is radiation treatments, so far it is not doing what the doctors hoped.

        Her older sister has been doing research and she found a study done on the the area where her cancer has spread and how people nd their personality will change over night. This would explain her to a T because we were looking at buying a retirement house in Florida on a Sunday, Monday she said she missed me and could wait for me to come back home (out for business) and Tuesday...."Mike, I'm done". No other guy involved at all.
        Come on in.....the water's fine

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        • #19
          Originally posted by cjp View Post
          Knowing that she is the one going thru cancer, I'm now thinking the same way as Vienna. I have a good friend that is going thru this and she is also pushing away people who are close to her..and every so often you see the pre-cancer person emerge. Its very tough on everyone.

          Real sorry that you and your son have to go thru this.
          Yes, this is her too. Every now and again we get the old her back.
          Come on in.....the water's fine

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          • #20
            Originally posted by AeroMike View Post
            Yes. SHe was diagnosed with it about 6 years ago. HAd it removed and survived it but, we (her family and I) recently found out that back when she walked away from me, our son and her family is when she found out her cancer has spread and right now she is going through radiation.

            She said that she is running from everyone so that it will be less painful for us when she passes but I do not buy that. It is perplexing to see her treat our son like this whne she was so protective over him growing up. That is what I cannot understand.

            For everyone else, we were together 18 years (married 16) and we never had a fight. Even now we still have not had a fight. She nows I would never hurt her, I have never raised my voice to her. But in honestity there were times I would not talk to her. One thing she would do is call me when she is driving and I didn't like talking to her while she was driving because I seen how distracted she gets.


            A OK, I removed my avatar so now you can access these treads without fear of seeing it.
            Okay - well, in light of all that backstory, it doesn't sound like it would be disgust. It sounds like she is having an incredibly challenging time processing all of her own feeling with regard to her illness. I don't doubt it is a huge head trip for her to be on, but man - how is it affecting your son? Being pushed away (or so it sounds to me)by his ill mum? Is your ex receiving any therapy/counseling for dealing with all of this? This stuff sounds pretty huge and complex. I hope you all have support.

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            • #21
              Mike - I'm sitting at my desk literally fighting back tears.

              I think you are understanding, it's the cancer talking, not her.

              F@ck.... :'(

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Jenna View Post
                Okay - well, in light of all that backstory, it doesn't sound like it would be disgust. It sounds like she is having an incredibly challenging time processing all of her own feeling with regard to her illness. I don't doubt it is a huge head trip for her to be on, but man - how is it affecting your son? Being pushed away (or so it sounds to me)by his ill mum? Is your ex receiving any therapy/counseling for dealing with all of this? This stuff sounds pretty huge and complex. I hope you all have support.
                Well, for him is has been very hard and for me.......I haven't had a full nights sleep in over a year. For a long time I feared he would try hanging himself. I got him into counseling and it has helped but he said as long as I am there for him that he will be alright. I find myself checking in on him in his room and for a while there prayed every time I got close to his door that I would not find him hanging.

                I do not think she will ever understand all the pain she has put upon our son and yes, I know she is running scared from the cancer and wouldn't do this but it has happened and I am left to deal with it. His grades have not suffered at all and I have already spoken to the school conselor about the whole situation so his teachers are aware to look out for any disruptive and changing behavior in him. So far, so good.

                I know she still goes to counseling and we do talk every couple of days on the phone. Like I said, she told me that she was told she has no more than two years. Her and I have discussed her wishes but that was back when we were still married. Her reply now is "Mike, you no longer have to worry about it since we are not married".
                Come on in.....the water's fine

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                • #23
                  Mike, How old is your son?

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                  • #24
                    Really sorry to her about the cancer and your son losing his mom already. It is grieving all around- which pops up at the most inoppurtune times :-( Thanks for sharing this with us, Mike! I really hope you have gotten some counselling too, there is so much in play here... IMHO It would be absolutely worth attending a few sessions with her because it sounds like you have questions for her.... Like, have you asked her what she meant by feeling nervous around you?

                    Also there's all kinds of 'overbearing' it doesn't mean you are physically intimidating. I have known plenty of women who do not mature emotionally because they are in a marriage that is dominated by the guys intensity. My mom is one, but friends also. That's due to the women not learning how to be assertive and stand up for themselves. It may get misdirected into anger or drugs but is always a loss. Sounds like she is interested in reuniting and you are not- is that what is going on now?

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                    • #25
                      IMHO It would be absolutely worth attending a few sessions with her because it sounds like you have questions for her.... Like, have you asked her what she meant by feeling nervous around you?
                      I agree it's sounds like there is so much unsaid that needs to be heard while you have the chance. I am so so sorry for your pain and confusion, I understand the fears you have for your son you sound like a wonderful father xx

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Vienna View Post
                        Mike, How old is your son?
                        He will be 15 in a couple of months. He did ask what he did wrong to make his mom not love him anymore. I explained that she is really sick and sometimes people do strange things when they are sick that she loves him more than anything in this world and that will never change. I tried to explain what she is going through. He is seeing a counselor and for the most part I think he just goes to make me feel better. He is a good boy and he knows he has me and all of her family for support.

                        Originally posted by A OK View Post
                        Really sorry to her about the cancer and your son losing his mom already. It is grieving all around- which pops up at the most inoppurtune times :-( Thanks for sharing this with us, Mike! I really hope you have gotten some counselling too, there is so much in play here... IMHO It would be absolutely worth attending a few sessions with her because it sounds like you have questions for her.... Like, have you asked her what she meant by feeling nervous around you?

                        Also there's all kinds of 'overbearing' it doesn't mean you are physically intimidating. I have known plenty of women who do not mature emotionally because they are in a marriage that is dominated by the guys intensity. My mom is one, but friends also. That's due to the women not learning how to be assertive and stand up for themselves. It may get misdirected into anger or drugs but is always a loss. Sounds like she is interested in reuniting and you are not- is that what is going on now?
                        I know what you are saying A OK and she did have a self esteem issue and we worked long and hard on it. Trust me, she has no problem now telling someone like it is and that would be me included. I have always been there to support her in her choices and we pushed each other to be better, but in the end, without going into it, she simply burned bridges that cannot be repaired so no matter what, I cannot get back with her in a relationship.
                        Come on in.....the water's fine

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by AeroMike View Post
                          Well, we broke up because she went into a mid life crisis due to her mom being diagnosed with cancer, plus her cancer too has come back and spreading. One day out of the blue after 16 years of marriage she said she was done being a wife and mother. So she wanted a divorce and said there was nothing that can be done to change her mind. Said that if I gave her an uncontested divorce, that I could have everything including full custody of our son.

                          I am only 3 months older then her to the day.


                          BTW, A OK, my avatar is a pic of a floor lamp, seriously, go and look at it again......where is your mind at???? LOL
                          We all deal with potenitally terminal illness in different ways.

                          I did a similar thing when my health took a turn for the worst. The first thing you think of are your children. If you aren't through raising them you have to hope you survive or your spouse's next partner is a great choice.

                          Sometimes you don't need a husband that is strong. You want a man that will cry with you and tell you how much he wants to grow old with you.

                          I figured I'd let my ex off the hook. I loved him enough to protect him. In my view I protected his limited assets from potential medical bills. (If you are married you have to spend down in order to get medicaid.)

                          (Luckily I have bounced back.)
                          Last edited by Cyn; 03-18-2013, 03:52 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Another perspective: She panicked and tried to escape the myriad of intense emotions. Once the dust settled, she needed her family ( after 16 years, your her closest family member). Its tough to keep it all together especially around someone that knows her as well as you do. She probably needs you to tell her it's okay. Just hug her ( platonically) and allow her to express whatever she needs to. Give her time and support to find her footing again. I know it's hard for you. She destroyed your life as well as her own. I just do not think she could help it

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