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  1. #1
    kjmudd is offline Midlife Bachelor Hall of Fame Award Recipient
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    Default Do Most Midlife Single Women Just Want Sex?

    Gladius wrote something REALLY interesting in his posting Link which suggested that many midlife women may not be looking for a long term relationship and that I should maybe date younger women.

    I must admit I have a guilty pleasure and watch dating shows like Tough Love and Frank the Entertainer a Basement Affair (my favorite) on VH1.
    All the women on those shows are presumably looking for "love" and mostly all way younger than the women I date.

    Even though I have had wayyyyy too much fun in my midlife dating adventures I am a romantic and like everything about the "falling in love" experience.

    The midlife chick I just finished dating definitely wasn't looking long-term or maybe even for a boyfriend, but neither of us realized it until things got "serious." If she decides she wants to be in a relationship there is a good chance she will try to come back.

    Now I am now back to dating a former GF (the freaky girl....we both became available at the same time ha ha). She is 37 and definitely looking long-term and for a boyfriend, but outside of our obvious sexual attraction we are not sure what else there is.....but are trying to find out.

    I may have been operating under the misconception that most midlife women are looking for "love" or long term deals.

    So are midlife women in general just looking for sex and fun compared to younger women?


    KJM
    Last edited by kjmudd; 02-02-2010 at 06:17 PM.

  2. #2

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    I dated several women over the past year and a half or so. I found that most that were in my age category, late 30's through mid 40's, were often right at the point where their kids were grown and out of the house, or near to it. Great majority of them just wanted to travel, party, etc, and were really not into becoming part of an exclusive relationship, and def. not into being a "mommy" again, not so good for the father of a 7 y/o kid like I am. I did, indeed, start finding that if I was looking for someone to fit the mommy role I need and had the mindset I was after, I had to look in the late 20's to early 30's range.

    That being said, I have been very fortunate to have found my current girlfriend of over 5 mos who, at 43 years old, is the mother of 2 younger aged girls and very much a LTR kinda girl. There are some...just gotta look.

  3. #3
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    Not so much based on personal experience, but more so, anecdotal evidence…here’s my theory (just making it up as I go, so I’m sure it will be flawed). It’s seems very logical that many mid-life women are indeed less interested in committed relationships than younger women. Think through the differences...

    Mid-life women (for sake of this post let’s say mid-life means between 35 and 50) who are single are that way most times for one of several reasons, here are a few:

    1) Divorced. I haven’t researched this, but I’m pretty sure that’s got to be the most common for midlife women. At this age most divorced women’s kids are grown at least to an age where the mom isn’t looking hard for a father-figure. Plus these women have already learned to gain and significantly value their independence. Let’s not forget that they also probably are a bit jaded toward men. They have outgrown the “biological instinct” to find a provider and mate that many people say exists for younger women that haven’t been married or had children. (This of course a huge generalization based on my own made up theory…I’m sure there are plenty of women in this category that don’t fit this description at all, but like I said, it’s just an un-scientific theory…well really not even that since it is untested and I can’t even call it a hypothesis since it isn’t even an educated guess, so rather, it’s just a guess.)

    2) Never married-single mom. There are probably a fair amount of these out there who got pregnant young by flaky guys who didn’t take care of their responsibilities. During their younger years, many of the eligible bachelors their age shied away because they didn’t want the baggage of their child. Now their kid(s) is grown and they have more freedom to date, but figure they’ve made it this far on their own, what do they need a man for now (the younger women in this category are probably much more interested in a LTR or marriage, because they want the support system and father figure…the mid-life women have already gotten past all that). On the other hand women in this category, might also be very ready for a LTR…it’s been missing for them for a long time and now that they have raised their child(ren), they’re now free to think of themselves and to try to do it differently this time.

    3) Never-married-no-kids. Since theirs always someone for everyone, let’s just assume that the women we’re talking about here are the real strong career-minded who always put their career ahead of family. These are probably very desirable women in many ways, but simply don’t want a man who’s gonna slow them down. For these women, even the most confident and independent men are gonna appear needy to them and it may not be that they don’t want a LTR or marriage, simply that no man fits the bill.

    4) Widowed. We know there are several of us who post here that are dating widows. From that very, very small sample size it appears that this group may actually one of the groups who are most inclined to be interested in a LTR. My theory/guess would have actually been the opposite, but since the only evidence we have among us suggests otherwise, let’s just go with that.

    5) Developmentally and/or physically disabled. Although I said above that there’s someone for everyone out there, that may not be so for this group. There are some in this category who are simply incapable of relationships, depending on the severity of the disability. Age has nothing to do with it for these women.

    6) Still married. I’m not talking about the “divorce isn’t final yet” women, but the “living a double life” women. It’s obvious why these women can’t get into the long-term committed relationships we’re talking about here.

    7) Closet lesbians. With the growing acceptance of gays and lesbians in American society, this is probably a shrinking group, but I’m sure there are still some out there who come from conservative families and such that just don’t want to admit it their friends family or themselves. They go through the motions of dating, but can’t go through with full relationship when it comes time because it just doesn’t feel right for them.

    8) Others. I can’t think of what I’ve missed, but I’m sure there are some.


    So, the bottom line is that because of the reasons that lead women to be single at mid-life in the first place, there are lots of logical reasons why there are fewer of them ready for exclusive and committed relationships at that point than their younger counter-parts.

    Now, the question in your subject line, KJ, was, “Do Most Midlife Single Women Just Want Sex?” But your post discusses an observed lack of interest in long-term relationships. Thus, you’re suggesting that dating is about either about one or the other with no in-between. But I think that’s where us men get off-track sometimes. We often see sex and relationships as two mutually exclusive things, when women don’t. It is possible that for whatever reason women at midlife may not be looking for love or long-term deals doesn’t necessarily they just want sex. Perhaps many of the women in the above categories (or others) want the enjoyment of someone to spend time with, share some meals, good conversation, a movie, a few laughs and yes, some sex too…but for many of the reasons above and others, just may not feel the need for that relationship to lead to marriage and a joint household and life, etc.

    That being said, there are plenty out there that do. The key for us midlife bachelors is knowing what we want and if that is a committed long-term relationship or even marriage, then it’s important to find a woman who wants the same thing. If you’re dating a women who doesn’t want that, no matter how good you are and how much she likes you, it’s not going to happen, simply because that’s not what she wants (perhaps another flaw in men’s thinking is that we think if we work hard enough and do a good enough job, she will eventually want what we want…any man who loves golf and has tried to get his wife or gf to take it up knows that this just doesn’t work.)

    Well…that was fun…and to all the women readers…I know it might be offensive to be generalized and categorized like this, but that’s really not my point…trust me I could do the same with midlife single men, but there would only be two categories…idiots and…well, ok, one category would pretty much cover it.

  4. #4
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    I like what I see in the posts above. What I'll add is that I think there are women and men of all ages in all phases of looking for different things in terms of a relationship ... and often what we attract when we are out looking for love is a mirror image of what we ourselves project.

    So if you are out looking for short-term fun, that is often what you'll draw. And if you are not really looking for anything at all, or have no expectations - that is often when someone serious will show up (because you are not throwing out those "I WANT TO GET LAID" vibes).

  5. #5
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    Good topic!

    I have had the... uh... pleasure of dating a good number of women after my divorce. Once I recovered, I went through what my friend called "the slut stage" meaning that I had something to prove to myself and the world. I dated quite a large range of women and found that almost all women have something unique to offer that makes them attractive. As simple as I can put it without getting too winded, there are three groups that usually become apparent and they are age related.

    The younger group includes women below the age of about 35. Many of the women in this group that are still single are still "looking". They still have the wide eyed little girl dream of finding that perfec Mr. Right. If you are a midlife man, these women will approach you as spoiled or tainted and usually be guarded around you because they suspect your midlife situation. Why didn't he marry? Why did he divorce? What did the others see in him that I don't see yet? These women were great for a couple of dates and some really good short term sex, but there was always something hanging in their thoughts that just couldn't be shook. They eventually let their eye wander to what they would refer to as something more promising.

    The next group is the early 30 to 45 group. Many of the women in this group are uually freshly divorced or have given up on the idea of a long term relationship. There are wounds that need healing. There can be anger and bitterness. This is alot to overcome for a midlife bachelor looking for long or short term companionship. I learned early to avoid this age group. It was a virtual minefield of emotion.

    The group that I really loved was the over 45 and sometimes it can be narrowed to over 50. At the time, I was in my late 30's but I found that this group was the most fun. These women didn't have anything to prove to anyone and they were completely self confident with their emotions and their bodies. There was almost no inhibitions. They all loved sex and they all wanted sex. It was almost like being 17 again and just discovering it. From what I experienced, these women had the most sex and even better, had the most freedom with their sexuality. Many more of them were interrested in "just" sex than a ltr at that point.

    Now for the disclamer... This by no means was a case study. I had a great time for about 7 years while I discovered women from a whole new perspective. I even made some lasting friendships along the way. I'm sure that there are a great many wonderful women of all ages with plenty to offer and maybe I even missed out based on my perceptions. But this was what I experienced and I have absolutely no regrets.

    So, in simple terms, would that be a "YES"???

  6. #6
    kjmudd is offline Midlife Bachelor Hall of Fame Award Recipient
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    Quote Originally Posted by misunderstood View Post
    Good topic!
    ...............
    The group that I really loved was the over 45 and sometimes it can be narrowed to over 50. At the time, I was in my late 30's but I found that this group was the most fun. These women didn't have anything to prove to anyone and they were completely self confident with their emotions and their bodies. There was almost no inhibitions. They all loved sex and they all wanted sex. It was almost like being 17 again and just discovering it. From what I experienced, these women had the most sex and even better, had the most freedom with their sexuality. Many more of them were interrested in "just" sex than a ltr at that point.

    .................................

    So, in simple terms, would that be a "YES"???
    Well hell that is what I was thinking! Great post misunderstood!

    To and point, I don't have any problem with dating a girl who wants "just sex".....where I run into problems is if they say they are looking for LTR but want "just sex." My last GF annoyed me because she said she was looking for a LTR but when we broke off it was evident she was not.

    I am pretty certain she is going to want to date me again in a few weeks. If I am available I may want to date her again but it will be difficult to take her seriously for anything other than "just sex." (the sex was awesome byw).

    As long as they are honest about it and we like each other "just sex" fine by me.....not my ideal situation but something I can tolerate until I find what I want.

    KJM
    Last edited by kjmudd; 02-04-2010 at 07:56 AM.

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