How Much Sex is Normal at Midlife?

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I am a 45-year-old Southeast Asian woman, in a wonderful relationship with a 41-year old American man. I just love, admire, trust, and respect him to pieces. He is truly a Jackpot, to use your classification system, in every way. He is handsome, smart, stable, successful, honest, super-fit and healthy, kind, considerate, gallant … I could go on and on. I swear, he does exist! Note that I didn’t call him Mr. Perfect – no one is. He has his warts, and so do I! But he is truly my favorite non-blood-related person on the planet. I love doing everything, and nothing, with him – you know what I mean? He is easy to be with, and I have a
low libido man

peaceful, happy feeling just knowing he’s in my life.

So what is my problem? Well it’s this: I want to make love with him much more often than we actually do! Oh sorry, I didn’t introduce myself properly: Hi, Midlife Bachelor, I am now the horniest person you know! (Seriously, I am. It runs in our family. Enough said. The only times I am ever not in the mood are … jeez Louise I can’t think of any. I firmly believe that if we all had one orgasm a day, like a vitamin – whether self-administered or with your loved one – there would be World Peace.

At the moment we average only two times a week, and only on weekends. Why? Well, here what I believe are the main reasons:

1) We don’t live together – I do not believe in cohabitation without being at minimum engaged, and by engaged I mean with a ring AND a wedding date. We do however live literally 10 minutes away from each other, and in a pinch it’s walkable. We spend weekends and holidays together, either at his place or my place or traveling. Our weekends are usually relaxing, clothing-optional days when we work out, watch movies, cook, eat, veg, watch NFL Total Access, get massages … yep, it’s a pretty nice life where we are! (Somewhere in Southeast Asia.)

2) He has a typical 9-to-5, five days a week job, combined with a fitness schedule after work and on weekends that he is somewhat inflexible about. Don’t get me wrong – when we have social events and dates, he does his best to be available, but he will make up the missed workout time elsewhere in his week. I myself am about to start working at a great new job but which has a demanding 6-day schedule … so we are going to have to get very creative about finding time together.

At the beginning of our relationship – going on 20 months now – we were both working full-time and yet managed to spontaneously make whoopee at least 4 or more times a week. Now I’m sorry but twice a week and only on weekends (and the occasional weekday holiday) just isn’t cutting it for me. So I’m sad and a bit worried about the future. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. How can I close the gap in our libidos without crushing his ego and spirit, or making him feel inadequate? He’s not! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the quality of our lovemaking – only the frequency. (Think: that famous line from “Oliver” …!) Are there any medical solutions you can recommend? Maybe it’s me? No, he does not need the little blue pill – he does NOT have E.D. Any advice you have for me would be appreciated.

BTW – I love your site! It tells the unvarnished truth about us midlife men and women who have lived through what I call our beautiful-but-dumb-twenties and our doh!-thirties. Now here we are generally in our oh-I-finally-get-it forties and up, and it is really encouraging to see so many of us still out there trying to have the best kinds of relationships we can have.


Hi – let me first say that you are very articulate, and I’m extremely impressed with your grammar and writing abilities. You are obviously a great catch for this man – he is very lucky to have you! Now please remember to include a photo of yourself the next time you write in, okay??? ha ha

Okay – to address your issue … here are my thoughts. First of all – twice a week is GREAT!!! I don’t think there is anything worrisome about ONLY fooling around twice a week. [Hell – I’m lucky if I get to fool around twice in one week … because I’m gone all of the time … have a high stress job, work huge hours, etc. And I’m “midlife bachelor”!! ha ha] So I’m not sure you should be overly concerned.

Now – you could simply have a nice, very friendly discussion with your boyfriend and see if he might be interested in trying to step the frequency up in the bedroom. I’d be really careful about how you word things though – you don’t want him to think that there is anything WRONG … more like you want to fine-tune the machine just a bit. He may say “no” because he is too busy or over-stressed, etc. – and if that’s the case, I wouldn’t worry.

If you think he may be exhibiting signs of a hormone deficiency (low testosterone), then that is something that can be easily checked by a urologist doing some blood work. There is a synthetic testosterone prescription called “Androgel” which will raise his hormone levels. Elevated hormone levels = increased libido … which is what you are seeking for him.

If all of that fails, I guess you could purchase some kind of toy or vibrator, right?

What do YOU think – do you have a better answer for this woman?  Use our COMMENT SECTION below, or you can feel free to discuss this in our Midlife Forum.

Avatar of Greg Smith
About the Author

Midlife Bachelor chronicles lifestyle, dating, and relationship experiences and advice to avoid a midlife crisis. Readers like you are often beyond young adulthood in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s that want to understand how dating, sex, relationships, and love fit in with our lifestyles.