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DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:  Is there a polite way to tell a guy to get lost? I went to a bar tonight and was sitting by myself and there is this one guy who is always there on the night that I like to go, when this particular band is playing, and I know he knows I like to dance. But I don’t like him at all and I hate dancing with him.
So when he asked me to dance I feigned fatigue and said I was resting up after a dance lesson I had just taken. I hoped he would take that hint. Then, I felt like I had to avoid eye contact with him because I knew if I looked at him he would ask me again, but it’s hard to avoid him because he is standing

right by the band. I was hoping some other people would show up and that’s why I was sitting by myself. Well, time passes and I’m still very busy avoiding this guy when he walks over to me and tells me, “I’m sorry your evening isn’t working out,” and I wanted to yell, “It’s not working out because you’re ruining it for me!” I basically ignore him and don’t say anything, hoping again he’ll take the hint, but he doesn’t. “I’m just a nice guy,” he says. “Ask anyone.” And I still ignore him because I really don’t want to engage him in conversation. I guess the reason I’m concerned about being rude is because I know I will see him around town for the rest of my life because he likes the same venues I do. What should I have said to him?  So…what is your advice for a middle-aged gal getting out there again? Thank you!  lulux

MLB RESPONSE: Well, you’ve already fired the warning shot across his bow, and he missed it. Whether he is a nice guy or not, he needs to be cognizant of signals … that not everyone is going to want to be his pal. So my suggestion is that you be fairly direct with him … but definitely not in a bitchy way (because you see him everywhere and karma follows you). The next time he engages you, I’d probably say something like, “You know – I really just want to sit here by myself.” Or “I’m sorry, I really don’t want to dance with you.” I’d say these or similar things with a smile on my face, and speak really nicely. If he still doesn’t get it, then he’s probably f*cking retarded (ha ha) … and I’d then suggest taking it up one notch in rudeness, and saying something like, “Dude – I just want to be left alone.” … but not smiling this time. So in any of the above cases, if he tries to engage you in a “why?” dialog – then I, personally, would just look at him and not respond and have a blank stare on my face. So my suggested approach is (in this order):

1) Be nice and give the signals (you’ve already done this)
2) Be nice and much more direct
3) Be extremely direct and less nice, but not super rude

Good luck!

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About the Author

Midlife Bachelor chronicles lifestyle, dating, and relationship experiences and advice to avoid a midlife crisis. Readers like you are often beyond young adulthood in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s that want to understand how dating, sex, relationships, and love fit in with our lifestyles.