People write in to ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR with questions. An index of all Q&As is located on the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX page. Email your question in complete confidence to [email protected].
|YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU|
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: My partner and I have a 2 year old together. He left around 6 weeks ago because he felt unwanted and unloved. I understand how he feels like this but it was never ever my intention to let him feel like that. I had so much going on and took him for granted. I made him feel like I didn’t love him and he wasn’t good enough as I snapped at him and put him down for stupid trivial things. I feel so gutted that I made the man I love most in the world, the most important person in the world to me feel like that. Why did I make someone I love with all of my heart and soul feel so horrible and unloved? I want to do anything and everything I can to show him how much I love him and appreciate him and want him in my life. He says he loves me and cares about me but doesn’t feel in love anymore and doesn’t know how to get that back. Please what do I do to change things and make him fall in love again
so he comes home to his beautiful family? please help
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER: Thanks for writing in. I can definitely feel the pain in what you wrote, and I’m very sorry that this is happening to you.
First of all – there is nothing you can do to MAKE another person feel a certain way … you cannot DO SOMETHING to or MAKE him fall in love with you again. Feelings just don’t work that way, unfortunately. Pretty much all you can do is recognize where you may have went wrong in the past, and do everything in your power to not repeat the behaviors that put you into this situation. Sounds like you have a good grasp of what drove him away … and recognizing the problem is fifty percent of the solution.
So there is no easy answer. If you embrace this website – you’ll find that I tend to promote the idea of “spreading good karma” … which can mean a lot of things – but in terms of relationships, it means treating others the way you, yourself, want to be treated. It is a great thing to keep in mind – with respect to ALL of your relationships (personal, work-related, family, etc.). Another thing I promote is the idea of learning from one’s mistakes … and doing one’s best not to repeat them. And finally … this one might be a little painful unfortunately … I often suggest to people that they leave bad relationships behind (in their “rearview mirror”), and move forward and onward … learning from their pasts to make their future that much brighter.
In your case – you may or may not be able to repair the damage that has been done. That really is up to your husband, and the way he feels. Just be your best towards him … and try not to project what you want onto him (because that would be controlling or manipulative behavior on your part), and that could be one thing that pushes him further away.
The only other thing I can suggest is that the two of you get professional counseling AND keep your dialog with him extremely open. I assume you have told him what you told me – maybe he will be willing to give your relationship some time … so he can see the changes you are making? Remember – when you speak to him, suggest things – don’t insist on them … and always remember to say something nice, and in a kind context. Those last two pieces of advice will help you in all aspects of your life – not just with him. Good luck … please let me know how things go, okay?
You also might consider joining our Midlife Forum here on midlifebachelor.com. We have a lot of good women and men there who can give you additional feedback:
The Midlife Forum – Discuss Anything. Regret Nothing.