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DO NOT MARRY A PREGNANT CHEATING GIRLFRIEND
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR::
The last couple of months, we have been fighting a lot … so much so that we talked about ending it a few times. One day, she came to my job and showed me a positive pregnancy test. I cried with so much happiness. I promised her that I would love her forever and forget all the recent bad times – which are now in the past since we’re about to have a family. After a few days, I noticed she was still not very excited about the baby. I investigated, and I found out she was cheating on me. She thought she would try and move in with another man, and now we do not know who the father is. She is just pure begging for forgiveness. She is staying at her aunt’s house 3 hours from me. I love her very much, and I know she is very sorry. We will get a DNA test done when she is nine weeks. I’ve been praying so much that the baby is mine so I can bring my family home.
I am afraid that I can never forgive her if it is not mine. She even suggested if it’s not mine, abort it and do some serious therapy. I know she loves me very much. She wants to do anything to make this happen. I am also petrified that if it’s mine and I bring my family home, I will never trust her again. I can never get the image of him and her together out of my mind. We were a perfect couple minus some b.s. I’m so scared; I’m afraid that if I bring her back and put another two years invested and all she does is do it again. Has anyone ever had a similar story, and what were the results?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:
You are a younger man – most likely in your early or mid-20s … and you have written here seeking the advice of someone older … which is a good move on your part.
The advice I have for you is very cut-and-dry. Do not marry her – even if the child is yours … because if she cheated on you once, she would cheat on you again, guaranteed. If the child is yours, be the best father you can be. You do not HAVE to be involved in a romantic relationship with the mother … but you should support the child financially and emotionally by being an active part of their life and by being a positive role model.
Now I know you love your girlfriend, but know that love is a terrible reason to get married, all by itself. The fact that she’s cheated on you previously means that you must expect her to cheat again if you get back together with her. Can you handle that? Maybe you want to give her “one more chance” before you pull the plug on your relationship for good? I guarantee you that she will cheat on you again, so be ready for that if you do get back together with her.
I know you said that your girlfriend loves you very much. But think about it – she cheated on you, got pregnant by either you or the other guy, the other guy dumped her. She cannot support herself, which is why she’s living with her aunt … and you are the only guy left in the picture. So she has to try to make things work with you, else she has no one to support her … at least no one she’s met yet, and she won’t meet anyone new because she’s currently pregnant. So it makes perfect sense that she is all over you to get back together and make it work – because she has no better options now.
Concerning whether she should keep the baby or not – I would never recommend that. The same issue exists whether she keeps the baby or not – she cheated on you, and she will do it again if you stay with her … baby or no baby.
Trust me when I say that the last thing you EVER want is to be married to someone who cheats on you. I know that firsthand – because my ex-wife (who I loved with all of my heart) did precisely that to me. And your girlfriend already has a proven history of cheating on you. Past behavior is an excellent predictor of the future – please remember that!
So to sum it all up, my recommendation is that you NOT marry your girlfriend (regardless of whether the baby is yours or not, irrespective of whether she keeps the baby or not). If she has the baby, and it is proven to be yours through a DNA test, then be the best father you can be … by supporting the child financially and being a role model and an active part of their life.
To get the perspective of a number of my midlife peers, I also tossed this question out on our Midlife Forum … so you can read what others (men and women) had to say about this particular issue. Here is the thread entitled, Fatherhood Question Related to Cheating – Need the Forum’s Input, Please
Good luck – let us know how things work out either way, okay?
What do YOU think – do you have a better answer or a comment? Use our COMMENT SECTION below, or you can feel free to discuss this in our Midlife Forum.