40 YEARS OLD & CANNOT GET A DATE
This next question appeared in the June 13, 2007 newspaper in the “Annie’s Mailbox” column (which used to be Ann Landers). I thought I would address it here because it is a perfect topic for MidlifeBachelor.com.
Dear Annie: Please tell me how a short, bald man with below-average looks can get a date? I am nearly 40 years old and have tried everything. All the girls I ask out tell me I am the nicest guy, but “not their type”. Other than being lonely, I am happy with myself and with my life. I have a great family and lots of money. I am told I am a great dancer. I am athletic, in good shape, and don’t drink, smoke or take drugs. I also volunteer at a hospice and a soup kitchen. I keep myself neat, clean and well-dressed, and I am a good listener. I am out with friends every night to fill the void. They do not understand why I can’t get a date. My faith in God has kept me going, but now I’m ready to give up. Are some people just meant to be single? -Lonely in Connecticut
MLB ANSWER: I’ll give you my best shot at an answer here, but the person you should really be asking is one of your close female friends who is not religious, and who does not care about your money … probably someone you have known a very long time. If everything you state is accurate, then you are probably going after the wrong type of woman. Based on what I see, you need to be chasing a very Christian woman – so I would recommend you focus on church-related classes, functions, and singles groups. If that doesn’t work at your current church, then you may need to explore other churches. If you are already doing what I suggest, then you are probably chasing women who are “out of your league”, and you may need to consider dating women who are perhaps a little bit less good-looking. To be clear, I am suggesting that you lower your standards. You will likely need to stick with religious women as your focus because frankly you sound a bit too perfect for other types of women … as it would appear to me that no one else would be able to measure up to your standards. There are many other things that I could suggest to you – but instead I’ll simply advocate that you read the Dating Advice section of this site, and focus on the Midlife Bachelor Personal Makeover and also the Develop a Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success sections. Good luck, my brother!
DON’T STALK THE WAITRESS!
DEAR MIDLIFEBACHELOR: I am recently separated after being married for twelve years, and am uncomfortable about re-entering the dating world. Three times I’ve asked out a waitress from a local restaurant that I go to once a week or so – but each time she managed to dodge my request for a date by saying she was “pretty busy” or similar. I know she likes me – so how can I get her to go out with me? Brian, age 37, Austin, TX
MLB ANSWER: She probably doesn’t want to go out with you, or she is already seeing someone. She may “like” you, but liking you and being interested in you are really two different things. Since you are a new midlife bachelor, you should be first concerned about being happy and comfortable with yourself, and not appearing overly eager – which is common for guys who are recently single again. [See Fundamental Truth #1 – Be Happy & Comfortable with Yourself First and Foremost, and also read the section on being Too Eager.] Also – if this waitress rejects you, don’t take it personally [See Fundamental Truth #2 – Don’t Take Things too Personally] And finally, please check out Fundamental Truth #5 – Don’t Confuse NICE with INTERESTED … as it contains a similar waitress example. In other words, this waitress might just be a good waitress (and not someone who is interested in dating you).
You might also want to read up on my discussion in the Midlife Bachelor Personal Makeover section on managing your insecurities (Attitude Adjustment – The Dangers of Insecurity). You will ultimately need to contemplate a midlife dating strategy (see Develop a Strategy for Midlife Bachelor Success). Be especially mindful of what constitutes a REBOUND scenario – because that just might be where you are at. BOTTOM LINE – if you ask that waitress out a fourth time, you are borderline stalking her … so forget about her, and instead spend your energy finding someone else to ask out. What you are going through is fairly normal – so don’t stress … you will find your center in the dating world, my brother.
GIRLFRIEND JUMPS OUT OF CAR AT STOPLIGHT – GOOD OR BAD?
DEAR MIDLIFEBACHELOR: My girlfriend loves to ruin my day. Last Sunday, we had just left my house on our way to pick up some friends to take them to an Angel’s baseball game. We were arguing, and when we stopped at a stoplight, she got out of the car and refused to get back in. I tried and tried to talk her back into the car – and people were honking at me. I wound up leaving her there on the side of the road, about four miles from home. I am in the doghouse right now big time. Should I have skipped the ballgame, or did I do the right thing by leaving her there? Tim, age 42, West Covina, CA.
MLB ANSWER: It sounds like you are leaving a lot out of the story, my brother. First of all – whenever a woman is acting crazy, you have to concentrate on saying and doing things to diffuse the situation. From your comments, it sounds like this is not the first time your girlfriend has done something like this (act out in public) – so my guess is that your woman is very likely psycho (see Types of Women – Psycho), a Showgirl (see Types of Women – Showgirl), and possibly either High Maintenance or The Boss. It is very difficult to change a woman who acts out the way you describe. I’d suggest either psychotherapy or a good psychiatrist for her. You also have to examine yourself – you allow this woman to act this way around you. My guess is that she is either really good looking, and/or great in bed – and that is how you rationalize why you continue to put up with it. Did you do the right thing by leaving her at the stoplight, and going to the ballgame? Probably not – but nice work!