|You’ve been married for many years – and one day, your husband (or wife) comes home and tells you that he doesn’t love you anymore … that he is seeing someone else … and that he is moving out. What about you? What about the children … the house … the insurance … the cars? What about all the things that you’ve worked for together all these years? What do you do?
Here at midlifebachelor.- com, I get an email every other week or so from
someone in this exact situation … being on the opposing side of a spouse who is likely going through a midlife crisis. The majority of these emails are from women in their forties and fifties … but sometimes I get one from a husband whose wife is leaving him. They all want to know what to do … and so since my advice in cases like this is pretty similar across-the-board, I thought it would be a good idea to create an article dedicated to this topic. First, there are some things you should recognize.
THINGS TO RECOGNIZE
- This is not your fault. The person who has the affair and/or decides to leave the marriage is the person responsible. We can always tell ourselves that we could have done this or that better or differently, and sure maybe that would have made some minor difference. You could drive yourself crazy contemplating the “what if’s” – when they don’t matter now.
- You cannot change someone else’s feelings. You can want or pray or beg for someone to change their feelings toward you, but in the end – it is completely up to them (not you). You cannot control anyone’s actions or feelings other than your own. The best thing to do is to conserve your energy and your dignity as you move forward through the process in front of you.
- Try not to take this midlife crisis affair too personally. This I, myself, struggled a lot with during my own divorce – my marriage ended when my wife cheated on me. I took everything extremely personally, and it ripped my heart and soul apart at the time. I later decided (after seeing similar things happen to many others) that things like this simply happen … often to very good people … and I’ve concluded that the faster you divorce yourself from taking this personally, the faster you will recover both mentally and emotionally.
- You are in for an emotional roller coaster. Regardless of anything anyone says (including me here), the fact is that you are in for one hell of an emotional roller coaster as you navigate through the consequences of what is going on your life right now. My advice is that you accept this drama as a necessary part of your recovery – and know that this drama and emotional turmoil is only temporary. You will be a better, stronger person when all the dust settles.
- Keep the best interests of your children in mind at all times. Divorce affects young children much more profoundly than it does adult children. Now I could write pages about my views concerning how best to deal with your kids during a divorce – but since this is a “short article”, let me simply say that all parties are typically better off if they examine how every decision being made can be optimized for the well-being of the children involved. This also means not badmouthing your husband or wife in front of the children – as exactly nothing positive can be accomplished by the spread of negative energy. And this is still true even if your spouse is saying bad things about you … best to always be the bigger person.
- Keep the karma good. In all cases, the best thing you can ever do is to keep the energy you generate positive. When you live your life this way, good things will happen and gravitate toward you. By the same token, bad or rude things that either of you do will ultimately boomerang back. Keep this in mind at all times … and I promise you will be better off.
- Know that better times await you. No matter what – you are in for a rough ride for some number of months, or even a few years. But after you successfully navigate through this uncomfortable process of dealing with the midlife crisis (and divorce), I guarantee you that a happier, more fulfilling life awaits you. It is just a question of time. How quickly you can leave the past behind (in your rearview mirror, as I like to say) is entirely up to you.