You recently started dating what appears to be the perfect woman. She is hot, and you are very attracted to her in every way. You get excited just thinking about her. The sex is fantastic … really steamy and mind-blowing. You find yourself wanting to see her more often than just twice each week. It’s only been a month or so since you first met her … and then she suddenly says that she loves you. Is this a bad thing?
The answer is – maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. The truth is that only YOU know for sure. Sometimes people say “I love you” too soon because they are really emotionally needy … which means they could possibly have codependency issues. “Codependency” essentially refers to being addicted to someone … and it is usually reciprocated by the other person in the relationship. In other words, the two individuals are addicted to one another … and the relationship may or may not be healthy. If she is a codependent type, then know that she is going to want a lot of your time and attention as the relationship progresses … much much more of your time than any average woman.
When a person exhibits signs of being emotionally needy very early in a relationship – that is definitely a big red flag.
The reason is that people are typically on their best behavior early in a relationship – and any behaviors that surface in the first several months are likely to become more pronounced over time as they become more comfortable with you. I have seen this time and time again – with women that I have dated … along with women that friends of mine have dated. Whatever your “gut feel” tells you about a person in the first several months of the relationship – that gut feel has almost always proven to be accurate for me … so be cognizant of those gut feels, and take mental notes.
Anytime you notice any extreme behavior early in any relationship – it could very well be a sign of her being psycho (see Types of Women – Psycho in the 14 Types of Women). [The reverse also applies if you are a woman reading this – men can be psycho, too.] Your best bet is to keep your thinking cap on at all times, and try to assess all the behaviors you notice … and consider what the longer-term implications are of those behaviors. In other words, if something bothers you a little right now … it might just bother you a lot later on!
If the sex is really, really, really good – be especially careful because great sex hides the truth. We men especially tend to forget about or overlook pretty much everything if we are having mind-blowing sex. You cannot let that hot sex cloud your vision – you have to keep your eyes open, and make sure you are taking note of everything about this new woman in your life. There is a short section on this site called Be Careful Right Out of the Starting Gate and Great Sex Hides the Truth under Midlife Dating Advice … which discusses this sort of thing in greater depth.
Back to the original issue – she said “I love you” too soon. Assuming you want to keep her around, then you have to manage the politics of the situation very carefully. Know that if someone says they love you in the first month or so of dating you – they are desperately wanting you to say it back to them … and if you do not, then they will feel horrible about themselves. You don’t want to say “I love you” back unless you mean it … so don’t be a hypocrite just to keep the peace (or piece, ha ha) – no. Instead the best thing you can do is to tell her something positive … like you are absolutely crazy about her, and that you think about her all the time … but that you are afraid to say it back to her just yet. If she is a reasonable person, then this will make perfect sense to her. If she starts crying and yelling at you, then you know she is a psycho. If she says nothing, and simply starts doing naughty things to you – then you know you have succeeded with the politics of the situation.
If someone says “I love you” too soon to you in a relationship – be gentle, and positive, and whatever you do – do not say something like “thank you”. Do not say, “No, you don’t”. Keep the karma good, and treat her the way you would like to be treated. You might love her, and just not know it yet … or you might not be sure of it yet. So be careful with your words … think the strategy of your response through very carefully.
This short article was inspired by a post on our Midlife Forum – the exact thread is called New Girlfriend Too Anxious for LTR. Be sure to check out the forum, and consider participating yourself!