You recently started dating what appears to be the perfect woman. She is hot, and you are very attracted to her. You get excited just thinking about her. The sex is fantastic … really steamy, and mind-blowing. You want to see her more often than just twice each week. It’s only been a month since you first met her … and then she suddenly says that she loves you. Is this a bad thing?
The answer is – maybe it is, perhaps it isn’t. The truth is that only YOU know for sure. Sometimes people say “I love you” too soon because they are emotionally needy … which means they could have codependency issues. “Codependency” essentially refers to being addicted to someone … and the other person in the relationship usually reciprocates it. In other words, the two individuals are addicted to one another … and the relationship may or may not be healthy. If she is a codependent type, then know that she will want a lot of your time and attention as the relationship progresses … much, much more of your time than an average woman.
That is a big red flag when a person exhibits signs of being emotionally needy very early in a relationship.
The reason is that people are typically on their best behavior early in a relationship – and any behaviors that surface in the first several months are likely to become more pronounced over time as they become more comfortable with you. I have seen this time and time again – with women that I have dated … along with women that friends of mine have dated. Whatever your “gut feel” tells you about a person in the first several months of the relationship – that gut feeling has almost always proven to be accurate for me … so be aware of those gut feelings, and take mental notes.
Anytime you notice any extreme behavior early in any relationship, it could be a sign of her being psycho (see Types of Women – Psycho in the 14 Types of Women). [The reverse also applies if you are a woman reading this – men can be psycho, too.] Your best bet is to keep your thinking cap on and try to assess all the behaviors you notice … and consider the longer-term implications of those behaviors. In other words, if something bothers you a little right now … it might just bother you a lot later on!
If the sex is perfect – be especially careful because great sex hides the truth. We men especially tend to forget about or overlook everything if we are having mind-blowing sex. You cannot let that hot sex cloud your vision – you have to keep your eyes open and make sure you are taking note of everything about this new woman in your life. A short section on this site called Be Careful Right Out of the Starting Gate and Great Sex Hides the Truth under Midlife Dating Advice … discusses this sort of thing in greater depth.
She said, “I love you,” too soon, back to the original issue. Assuming you want to keep her around, you have to manage the politics of the situation very carefully. If someone says they love you in the first month or so of dating you, they desperately want you to say it back to them … and if you do not, they will feel horrible about themselves. You don’t want to say “I love you” back unless you mean it … so don’t be a hypocrite to keep the peace (or peace, haha) – no. Instead, the best thing you can do is to tell her something positive … like you are crazy about her and that you think about her all the time … but that you are afraid to say it back to her just yet. If she is a reasonable person, this will make perfect sense to her. If she starts crying and yelling at you, you know she is a psycho. If she says nothing and starts doing naughty things to you, you know you have succeeded with the politics of the situation.
If someone says “I love you” too soon to you in a relationship – be gentle and positive, and whatever you do – do not say something like “thank you.” Do not say, “No, you don’t.” Keep the karma reasonable, and treat her the way you would like to be treated. You might love her and not know it yet … or you might not be sure of it yet. So be careful with your words … think about your response strategy very carefully.
This short article was inspired by a post on our Midlife Forum – the same thread is called New Girlfriend Too Anxious for LTR. Be sure to check out the forum, and consider participating yourself!